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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do people think this is ok?

64 replies

Oneeyedreindeer · 13/12/2022 12:40

My baby has a bad squint which requires surgery and will have some lasting implications (eg no depth perception).

now that he’s sitting up and awake more, people KEEP COMMENTING ON IT. On what planet is this ok? Every single day! “Oh your baby has a lazy eye”. “What’s wrong with his eye?” “Can you fix that” Etc etc etc

even worse people telling me he just needs glasses to fix it/giving me unsolicited medical advice because so and so has a totally different squint that required different treatment.

surely this is just rude? I just want people to be positive about my baby it’s starting to really get me down - I am worried enough about his eyesight as it is (he currently has no peripheral vision either).

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 13/12/2022 12:55

People turn in to know it alls about anything medical. Because their Auntie Jean's cousins dogs groomer once had it that is automatically the only experience anyone can have and now they are more knowledgeable than your consultant who specialises in the field.
Best thing you can do is come up with some stock responses you can shut them down with.

WednesdayFridayAddams · 13/12/2022 12:56

They may be unsure if you are aware of it, unbelievably some parents just don’t notice.
I used to work in an opticians and we had a primary aged child come in after teachers said they needed to be seen. Sadly, as it had been left so long, the optician said it was unlikely anything could be done, and they will be unlikely be able to do anything to correct sight at all now, but did refer them on to the eye clinic.
People aren’t meaning to be rude or cruel and the unsolicited (& incorrect!) advice is likely in an attempt to reassure you that he will be fine. They just don’t understand.
I hope all goes smoothly when he has the op, I know how worrying it is Flowers

LlamaLlamaDramaDrama · 13/12/2022 12:57

Agree it's rude, they likely don't know it and are just trying to engage.
Best of luck with the op and everything going forward Flowers

NuffSaidSam · 13/12/2022 12:59

I think generally people mean well. Come up with some stock responses and ignore them the best you can.

Or if you're feeling brave, tell them it's not an appropriate question, you might save someone else being upset in the same way.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 13/12/2022 13:01

I'm amazed at the comments people make. My friend's son has a noticeable physical disability which affects his walking and randoms would comment that he 'looks drunk' or laugh at him. Unbelievable. People offering advice as if you wouldn't have consulted a doctor is also annoying.

Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 13/12/2022 13:03

Someone told me their child had said my baby was “making a funny face”. How is that anything other than hurtful?

i think people are just nosy most of the time.

any ideas for good stock responses?

OP posts:
ItsNotReallyChaos · 13/12/2022 13:05

For some reason, people think it's ok to comment on babies' appearance/medical things.

People seemed to delight in pointing out that DD was very small for her age as though I might not have realised. I even had people telling me she was underfed!

Sorry that you've been on the receiving end of this crap too. I developed a filter and just let comments like this go past me. You know that you're getting the medical attention your child needs so just ignore everyone else.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 13:10

People can be awful. Mine has a noticeable physical disability.
Over time you sort of become immune to stares. You don’t think you will but you will.
I think you also develop a don’t ask me vibe.
It’s hard as babies as people like babies, come over and feel need to say something.
Sometimes you just want to shop, do whatever and not be show and tell discussing medical stuff.
Upside you can meet some nice people.
It will get easier.
Mine is16 and has a good stare back now.

username8888 · 13/12/2022 13:10

Thank you for your concern. It's fixable.

Mariposista · 13/12/2022 13:11

a simple, 'yes he can have surgery when he's older' will suffice and change the subject.

Candlesoftime · 13/12/2022 13:12

I feel for you. People are just so rude, especially when it comes to children and pregnancy - having a baby has really opened my eyes.

When I was pregnant I wondered if I should politely repeat the insult back to them - but in an absent minded way as if unintentional...

  • Hi how are you? Wow you're looking tired!
  • Hey! Yeah you too (nice smile)
  • What, why would I be looking tired?
  • Oh sorry, did I say you were looking tired? That would've been quite rude wouldn't it? Silly me (same polite smile...)

Could you do this with your situation...? Maybe being passive aggressive like this isn't the way, but I'd like to try it just once

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 13:12

I went with she was born this way but is fine it doesn’t hurt her (little kids used to worry she’d hurt herself) We are all different I’ve got glasses, you’ve got blond hair etc - deflect onto them.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 13:13

If there’s a support organisation or charity for condition well with joining. It’s sort of thing people discuss on our Facebook group and we reassure new parents.

Candlesoftime · 13/12/2022 13:14

Ps I bet your baby is perfectly scrummy and I hope the surgery is helpful xxxxx

Pelo22 · 13/12/2022 13:18

I would be so tempted to be "OH MY GOD, his eye?! I've never noticed!"

Purplechicken207 · 13/12/2022 13:18

Yes we're aware of that, he's under medical care and will have surgery soon. Or similar.

And if its someone incredibly annoying or rude, just glare and ask them how they'd feel if you commented on the looks of them or their children. Honestly some people need a kick up the arse with things like this. It isn't OK to comment on someone's looks (unless you know them well!)

Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 13/12/2022 13:21

Pelo22 · 13/12/2022 13:18

I would be so tempted to be "OH MY GOD, his eye?! I've never noticed!"

LOL I am going to do this

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 13/12/2022 13:21

I’m sorry for everyone else who has experienced insensitive comments.

OP posts:
onceina · 13/12/2022 13:21

I also have a lazy eye, have had multiple surgeries and wore glasses from 2 months old.

Yes. Some people are f**ing rude.

Personally I would just call them out.

Why are you focusing on his eye? Why not comment on something else?
Do you think it's appropriate to comment on a medical condition?
He's a baby. Why are you so concerned about a slight misalignment in his eye?
Are you asking for any specific reason?
I'm sure you don't mean to be, but it's quite rude to make a comment like that about an infant. Why are you so focused on appearances?

His eyes are perfect thanks.
Why do you feel the need to ask?

Or just give them an odd look and say, Thats an odd thing to ask/ say about a little baby.

I don't think 'meaning well' is an excuse. It's rude and if they are so ignorant then they need to be informed of that.

Purplechicken207 · 13/12/2022 13:23

Also, my baby has just recently had an orthotic which people stare at too. Its only been a few days and no one has said anything yet....

I saw a baby in a hip brace a few years ago. Gave the mum a smile as our eyes met and that's that. I felt sorry that she has to go through the worry and extra appointments from having a baby with some sort of medical need, but did not feel the need to comment or ask, it is not my business. And you never know if it could be the straw that broke the camels back for holding her emotions in that day (I had a baby a similar age at the time and was exhausted). It's a hard time in anyone's life, the last we need is strangers pissing us off

Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 13/12/2022 13:23

onceina · 13/12/2022 13:21

I also have a lazy eye, have had multiple surgeries and wore glasses from 2 months old.

Yes. Some people are f**ing rude.

Personally I would just call them out.

Why are you focusing on his eye? Why not comment on something else?
Do you think it's appropriate to comment on a medical condition?
He's a baby. Why are you so concerned about a slight misalignment in his eye?
Are you asking for any specific reason?
I'm sure you don't mean to be, but it's quite rude to make a comment like that about an infant. Why are you so focused on appearances?

His eyes are perfect thanks.
Why do you feel the need to ask?

Or just give them an odd look and say, Thats an odd thing to ask/ say about a little baby.

I don't think 'meaning well' is an excuse. It's rude and if they are so ignorant then they need to be informed of that.

Thank you for this - a very good list of responses! I wouldn’t dream of commenting on an adult’s lazy eye and I can’t believe people think it’s ok!

OP posts:
OtleyRunning · 13/12/2022 13:23

My child had/has a different eye condition and no surgical options and yet people would be ADAMANT it could be fixed by the same surgery as for a squint.

There was no telling them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 13:27

Medical jargon is one way to go.
Just say yes he was born with ‘correct but complicated sounding medical term’ and is under care of a consultant and will have surgery when he’s older. It sort of kills off the my hairdresser had had a squint and did x as you’ve said he’s got a squint you’ve said a Latin name they’ve not heard of.

onceina · 13/12/2022 13:28

@OtleyRunning I hope you smile and say, great! I'll put them on the waiting list. Hey, while I'm there I'll put you down for a personality transplant too!

Facecream · 13/12/2022 13:30

I too have a very obviously disabled DD - she uses a wheelchair as she can’t walk. I have no problems with children who ask “why is she using a pram?”, “what’s wrong with her?” Etc.
But I do have lots of problems with adults who are objectionable.. I’ve had people ask if I knew she’d be disabled before she was born.
My response was “yes. Why?”.
I know why they are asking and I don’t intend to enlighten noisy c@nts who think they can judge people based on an outsiders perspective