How do people think this is ok?

[Oneeyedreindeer]

My baby has a bad squint which requires surgery and will have some lasting implications (eg no depth perception).

now that he’s sitting up and awake more, people KEEP COMMENTING ON IT. On what planet is this ok? Every single day! “Oh your baby has a lazy eye”. “What’s wrong with his eye?” “Can you fix that” Etc etc etc

even worse people telling me he just needs glasses to fix it/giving me unsolicited medical advice because so and so has a totally different squint that required different treatment.

surely this is just rude? I just want people to be positive about my baby it’s starting to really get me down - I am worried enough about his eyesight as it is (he currently has no peripheral vision either).

Not said

In short OP… you’ll find your stock phrases before you know it. Sometimes I’ve just rolled my eyes and ignored them

I think they might do it out out of concern for the child as some parents are oblivious. Sometimes it's reassure you by sharing stories and remedies. Sometimes it's curiosity and making idle chitchat. Some people like to talk about their ailments and concerns so they are being friendly and showing warmth (in their mind).

I got asked that a lot and found it bizarre.
My answer is no I didn’t - yes I had 5 scans but they missed it - it’s a missing limb. Makes people extremely uncomfortable if you say that though.
On a positive lots of people genuinely don’t notice and are just looking at the cute baby.

I’d say, ‘I know, isn’t he gorgeous?!’
I bet he is too.

OP, I see little girl waiting at the bus stop with her parents, on my way to work every morning. She has the most beautiful, happy smile ever, and after a couple of days of me smiling at her and her mum and dad, I said ‘Morning, gorgeous, what a beautiful smile you have!’ I meant it too. Her mum stopped me and said thank you, all people seem to notice is her eyes, her glasses, or her legs.

Some people only look for what is ‘wrong’, rather that what is beautiful. 💐

Say what you think. They are.

Say "How rude" or "But it would be rude for a stranger to comment", etc.

Sorry op, it's so insensitive.

I think I'd just deadpan stare and say, "do you realise that's a really rude thing to say"?

I just don’t see why I should have to tell people it can be “fixed” or his personal medical history. On one hand I can see how it’s good to educate people who are ignorant but on the other it’s just so shit sometimes and I don’t want to engage with people/it’s literally none of their business

I'd reply - yes, it's just a 40 dioptre exotropia (if it's an outwards turning squint) or esotropia (if it's near). They'll go errr.......and that will end that conversation.

Great believer in go with your natural reaction. If yours is that’s a very personal question or that’s none of your business go with that.
I very much empathise with the I just want to get on and not engage.

I was judged and commented upon constantly when I was pregnant, and my baby was called fat repeatedly when he was 3-9 months old. I didn’t let any of the comments lie, and would do my damndest to embarrass the person that had said them. It became a blood sport, frankly. People are just so awful sometimes.

It’s not that much less offensive to suggest I’m just a feckless parent who hasn’t realised about a glaringly obvious issue! Anyone who knows me would know how responsible I am with medical issues and anyone who doesn’t know me shouldn’t ask.

"How odd to say something like that to a baby you have never met".

"I find those comments really intrusive and insensitive. He is a perfect baby"

If you really lose your temper (I would) I would attack back "oh dear, your tummy! My aunt is obese too and she has had plenty of support, have you seen your gp"

I just can’t believe people would comment on this sort of thing! DH keeps saying he thinks it’s because they think a “lazy eye” isn’t a big deal so it’s fair game. But I think these thoughtless people would equally comment on anything, no matter how “serious” or “unfixable”

I have astigmatism. Three lots of corrective surgery (the first before my third birthday, the last at 15) were only partly effective in making it a bit straighter, but I have never had depth perception. People still comment now (I’m old). Nothing you can say or do will make any difference. I just say, ‘yeah, it’s astigmatism. It’s quite common’ and move on.

It does honestly get easier or maybe we develop a thicker skin.
I can vividly remember just wanting to be able to go to the baby activity, go shopping without having to comment on it. Especially in early days when you are worried and getting to grips with it.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your beautiful baby.

Much like MN, I find people turn into armchair experts when they spot something that needs "correcting". It is because your child is very young that people don't see it as offensive because they know the child will grow up and out of their current looks.

Personally I would - politely obv ;) - make a comment back that puts them on the backfoot...

"Thank you for noticing, I noticed that your dress isn't all that flattering, it clings on the butt too much"

"I am SO glad you told me! I didn't even notice! That is new information!"

"Didn't you get the memo that its rude to point out the flaws in other people?" [absolutely marvellous in a group, it is an instant "ouch" moment, use with extreme caution though! Only on people you aren't all that close with]

"Finally I have someone who can perform surgery on my poor baby's eye. When can you slot us in!"

"Well at least he can look at you and for you at the same time!"

"Yes we call him the mince pie (lazy-eye)"

Anything like that will almost always shut people up or at least create that wonderful "oh this is awkward" moment. I use this type of approach to people who I am less bothered about (offending) or when I know someone so well that they think "okay, yeah I was a bit out of order there". The key is to approach it with such sincerity, a big smile, open posture and real interest. It should feel like it comes from a place of compassion, not sarcasm. You want to give them the message in such a way where they notice the absurdity of their comment. I am an extremely irreverent person at the best of times, so I can get away with it a bit more. Maybe try it, though don't go too hard early on as people tend to get a tad discomforted.

As an aside, I have to admit I am extremely self-deprecating and I have a tendency to speak my mind. I once made a comment to a stranger about their child looking like "hay-fever Gollum". An extremely ugly, red eyed, bloated faced baby - the Dad actually chuckled along whilst his partner looked at me as if to say "yes, we know!"

Just say 'wow! Look at your face you total ballbag'

Have you ever said anything without thinking and then regretted it Op? I know I have.
My baby had a strawberry naevus on her face and everyone commented. I just had to think they were just commenting as it’s out of the ordinary and they were making an opening conversation gambit.
Try not to take it personally. People comment or stare at most things that are different, even height, weight or hair colour.

Yes of course I have and certainly now I will be a LOT more thoughtful with what comes out of my mouth. I like to think I’ve never send anything quite as clearly thoughtless/hurtful as some of the things I’ve heard - but who knows. Didn’t it bother you when people commented?

I would love to say some of those. It’s a lot easier to be OTT in a response if it’s a stranger. Less so if it’s someone at the school gate but I am sure I will get bolder as time goes on…

the first time I cried. Now I just think for fucks sake again?!”

Doesn’t it bother you? Or does it become totally emotionless when you’ve heard it so often?

I keep being told similar - apparently, laser eye surgery will cure my condition. It won't help me at all

It’s utterly maddening when someone says things to you as if they somehow know better than you and the experts! “Think positive it will fix itself” 😵‍💫