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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SENCos response to my concern...

96 replies

Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:25

My DD is 10 and has a diagnosis of ASD. She is really very sensitive to changes in routine and has a lot of sensory issues, particularly around noise. Additionally, she get hugely anxious generally in school and as a result we do have issues getting her in at times. The SENCo is aware of all this.

We got a letter to say that on the last day of term the children will be having a party in each of their classrooms and included a list of food and drinks parents could bring in for them. My DD is in a state as this is obviously a big change to the normal run of things, and additionally she is getting het up about the fact that the other children will be "loud and excited" (as they should be!).

DD really does not want to go to school on Friday, because she is going to be overwhelmed. Knowing this I emailed the SENCo to ask whether she should be able to read in the library, or generally go somewhere that would be more calmed and settled for her. Additionally I asked that if this was to be the plan that she let me know so I could make it clear for my DD what to expect.

Anyway, this was the response I got: "Party is strong word! They are actually watching a movie, having some snacks, no music! If it all gets too
much (Adult availability willing) I am sure DD can have a break. But try and reassure her that it is not going to be a wild party!!".

AIBU to think that this is not a good enough adjustment for her? Adult availability willing means she's going to be stuck and very, very stressed. I'm trying to work with the school to improve her attendance, but I feel they're not meeting me half way.

OP posts:
millypeggyandpandora · 13/12/2022 12:29

I think the SENCO meant that there wouldn't be any adults available to supervise your daughter in the library or anywhere other than the classroom.

stbrandonsboat · 13/12/2022 12:29

The primary school made autistic ds attend a party as well. It was loud music and flashing lights. He's 18 now and will still recount the tale with some horror.

Try to explain to them how it affects your dd and then approach the Head Teacher if you get nowhere.

sparkellie · 13/12/2022 12:31

It's the last day of term, a week before Christmas and they will be watching a film and having a 'party'. If it was my ds (who also has asd) and he didn't want to go I wouldn't make him.
Obviously they are limited by numbers, what would you like them to do? If you want her in school then maybe come up with some realistic options for her, as 1-1 unless already allocated to her, isn't really an option. I would suggest phoning to speak to the senco though. It's late to be making arrangements now, and they will be busy, so you may find it difficult to get arrangements set in stone so she knows what's happening before going into school on Friday if you go via email.

Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:31

@millypeggyandpandora sure. But that would still mean that DD will be stuck in an environment that will be almost painful for her. If they can't make an adjustment for her then I wont send her in, but I find it upsetting that she will have to miss school because of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:33

To clarify - I"m not upset she wont be in school, I'm annoyed that it will be another day "off" and yet another fall in her attendance, and its not her fault the environment isn't right.

I agree RE it being late - we only got the letter yesterday!

OP posts:
sparkellie · 13/12/2022 12:33

Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:31

@millypeggyandpandora sure. But that would still mean that DD will be stuck in an environment that will be almost painful for her. If they can't make an adjustment for her then I wont send her in, but I find it upsetting that she will have to miss school because of this.

If she's sat in the library reading while everybody else is having a party she's hardly going to be participating is she? What are you upset about her missing? Given how stressful she would find the situation.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 13/12/2022 12:34

YANBU. School need to come up with a Plan B that you can share with her beforehand, so she knows she won’t have to stay if it’s too much for her.

Greensleeves · 13/12/2022 12:36

I would write to the Head, ccing the SENCo, notifying them that, having requested a reasonable adjustment in line with DD's diagnosis and been refused, you will be keeping her off school that day.

Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:36

@millypeggyandpandora sorry, I wasn't clear - I'm not upset about her missing school, I'm upset about the fact that it will negatively impact her attendance (which we will then inevitably be told to improve)

OP posts:
Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:37

Sorry, that was for @sparkellie

OP posts:
upfucked · 13/12/2022 12:39

When is the party? If you collect her after afternoon registration it won’t effect her attendance.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 13/12/2022 12:39

Will they have any lessons first thing in the morning to start the day? Could you drop her at school as usual, but collect her early so that she technically attends but doesn't stay for the loud bit?

Lindy2 · 13/12/2022 12:40

Perhaps take her in and see how it goes. If she can't manage being in the classroom and no one can be with her in the library ask them to phone you to collect her. You could also request that she sits somewhere else like the school office if the library isn't an option.

You have my sympathy though OP. My child is diagnosed ADHD and ASD and we are also struggling with school attendance right now caused by the school doing a late notice change to routine without letting anyone know. 2 weeks later we're still picking up the pieces to try and get back in track.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 13/12/2022 12:40

Can dd wear ear defenders?

goldfishcracker · 13/12/2022 12:40

What do you want them to do? Cancel her classes 'party' because a child has autism? Just don't send her in. Ask if she can sit and read in the library.

Ell95 · 13/12/2022 12:41

Don't send her in- eff the school's views. If it will make her uncomfortable don't send her In

Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:41

@goldfishcracker you really didn't read the OP, did you.

OP posts:
UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 13/12/2022 12:43

goldfishcracker · 13/12/2022 12:40

What do you want them to do? Cancel her classes 'party' because a child has autism? Just don't send her in. Ask if she can sit and read in the library.

Pay attention at the back! That exactly what the OP asked to do!

goldfishcracker · 13/12/2022 12:43

@Eeve yes I did. And I read your other posts too saying you're upset she's going to have to attend the 'party' which is just a film and some snacks. Yes they need to make reasonable adjustments but to cancel the entire thing be use your child won't cope is an extreme example.

Just don't send her in if she won't coke with a film and some snacks.

goldfishcracker · 13/12/2022 12:44

Cope*

Yes but then you said you were upset she would be missing school if she's sat alone in the library. She's not going to be missing learning, probably just watching frozen !

Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:45

@goldfishcracker why on earth do you think I want them to cancel it???

I want her to sit in the library or read a book in the office or something?

OP posts:
sparkellie · 13/12/2022 12:46

Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:37

Sorry, that was for @sparkellie

Why are you concerned about her attendance? The way I look at it, if you aren't worried that the day off will impact on her work or cause her social difficulties then it's not an issue. Schools are worried about attendance numbers either because a pupil is falling behind due to missed work, is struggling socially as the aren't in school often, or because it impacts their ofsted figures. And quite frankly I don't care about ofsted.
I always weigh the situation based on what is best for my son, and his mental wellbeing. As long as it wouldn't have an impact on his learning I would keep him off and have a nice day with him rather than isolate him in another room just to have him in school. Obviously this is presuming you don't have to be in work or elsewhere!

millypeggyandpandora · 13/12/2022 12:46

I think a previous poster was right in saying send an email, saying you believe the school will be unable to make suitable adjustments due to staffing issues. Say you will keep her at home and you wish allowances to be made for this absence.
Christmas is so tough for neurodiverse people … you have my sympathy 💐

Original poster
Eeve · 13/12/2022 12:47

@goldfishcracker this is why you READ THE THREAD!

She will categorically NOT be upset at missing school. I will be pissed off that her attendance - which is already awful, will be further decreased for something she can't help.

Bloody hell, you're hard work.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 13/12/2022 12:47

goldfishcracker · 13/12/2022 12:43

@Eeve yes I did. And I read your other posts too saying you're upset she's going to have to attend the 'party' which is just a film and some snacks. Yes they need to make reasonable adjustments but to cancel the entire thing be use your child won't cope is an extreme example.

Just don't send her in if she won't coke with a film and some snacks.

Read it again, you giant numpty. OP isn't suggesting anything be cancelled. The school are refusing to let her daughter sit in the library.

One wonders why the idea of an autistic child having adjustments made for them incensed you so irrationally that you were unable to take in the basic facts before making your contribution Hmm