SENCos response to my concern...

[Eeve]

My DD is 10 and has a diagnosis of ASD. She is really very sensitive to changes in routine and has a lot of sensory issues, particularly around noise. Additionally, she get hugely anxious generally in school and as a result we do have issues getting her in at times. The SENCo is aware of all this.

We got a letter to say that on the last day of term the children will be having a party in each of their classrooms and included a list of food and drinks parents could bring in for them. My DD is in a state as this is obviously a big change to the normal run of things, and additionally she is getting het up about the fact that the other children will be "loud and excited" (as they should be!).

DD really does not want to go to school on Friday, because she is going to be overwhelmed. Knowing this I emailed the SENCo to ask whether she should be able to read in the library, or generally go somewhere that would be more calmed and settled for her. Additionally I asked that if this was to be the plan that she let me know so I could make it clear for my DD what to expect.

Anyway, this was the response I got: "Party is strong word! They are actually watching a movie, having some snacks, no music! If it all gets too
much (Adult availability willing) I am sure DD can have a break. But try and reassure her that it is not going to be a wild party!!".

AIBU to think that this is not a good enough adjustment for her? Adult availability willing means she's going to be stuck and very, very stressed. I'm trying to work with the school to improve her attendance, but I feel they're not meeting me half way.

The SENDCo sounds rubbish. Have you been in touch with SENDIASS? If not you should contact them, they can support you and contact the SENDCO on the child's behalf.

Sounds like you are looking for a reason to take the day off.

1. They have said she can have time out if needed.
2. If this isn't enough write to the head and ask if you can collect her early if she is struggling.

@NameChange30 no, I haven't! Thank you for this, will have a look

I think the issue with this is that it makes it ‘your problem’. By making the school engage with the tension between her attendance and her stress and its school -related causes, you make it a problem to sort together.

Is the Senco also a member of teaching staff? If not are they available to help manage your dd's experience? Are they accepting parent helpers for the "party"? Agree try to establish a timetable to assess what of any of it your dd can cope with, if you can talk it through and create a visual timetable for the afternoon. Headphones, separate table, choosing food first, being asked if she prefers a quieter reading corner, card system to flag any issues may all help,

@cansu no, they haven't. They have said adult-availability dependent! If you look at @cantkeepawayforever's posts you can see that there are barely enough teachers, let alone support staff in school meaning that there wont be anyone available.

DD is meant to be met at the gate every morning by a TA to help the transition into school. It has happened twice in the month that it has been in place. There just aren't enough staff.

@cantkeepawayforever - spot on, again. This is why if I do keep her off I wont be saying she's unwell, for example. I have written an email highlighting how we are desperate to work with school to support DD; it needs us both on the same page, it really does.

Are all the classes having their class party on the same day? In my children’s school they’re all on different days. If that’s the case in your school could she just go sit in another class? Maybe she could help a younger class with reading etc.

contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/local-support/local-advice-services/#sendiass

Yes, I have one of those, too.

We called it the Get Out Of Jail Free card. The school called it a Toilet Pass. Once my dc had proof that it would work, they never again used it. They didn't need to. It became a talisman that gave them the confidence to remain in challenging situations.

SENDIASS are brilliant, they can help with the EHCP application and advocate for your child in meetings with the school.

Once you have the EHCP it’s easier to ensure adjustments and support are consistent as you can involved the LA SEND Lead worker if necessary.

In this instance you could reply saying that their suggestion is not suitable, that your child has a disability and the school are therefore legally obliged to make reasonable adjustments so she can access education. Ask your daughter what she would prefer: library/other classroom/school office etc and tell school that is what it will take to get her in on Friday.

Why is her attendance so low anyway?
Have you asked if you can collect her early?
Would she be happy reading in the library for two hours?
Does she have 1.1support so that she could be in the library or office or wherever?

The second point I made stands. Ask the head if you can collect her early when the party or movie begins. Why would this not work for you?

I used to have problems with my son’s attendance due to regular high temperatures to the point the school said as long as he was well in himself I had to bring him in with 40 plus temps.
What the school is only interested in is she has hit the register. I would take him to school to hit the register at 9am and tell them he had an appt and would need to be collected at 9.15am. School was happy, we were happy.

You could suggest that an unwillingness to make adjustments amounts to an illegal exclusion.

@cansu - thank you for your clear concern. I have indeed made this request and I am awaiting the school's response.

I think you just have to ignore communications about attendance. You know they need to send these letters, nobody is going to make you read them.

Send her in as often as you can, keep her home when they can’t make reasonable adjustments, and ignore the nagging letters.

I think it shows they don't understand you DD's needs. She has no more ability to her reactions in this environment than you or I have jumping at a sudden loud noise! Autism is still so misunderstood. No real advice, my DD is a bit older, but there are times I wish I'd kept her off when she struggled with changes to her routine. She's at secondary now, and I've been surprised at how much better the support has been, days seem more consistent too. I don't think the flippant comment from the TA was great, obviously it's not some rowdy festival, but it's still going to be louder than normal, and that's going to be very uncomfortable for you DD. You wouldn't put an anxious dog in the middle of a group of noisy children and not expected it to bite would you? So why can't they understand what they are doing is bordering on cruel, and setting your dd up to fail?
Sorry OP I just get cross at stuff like this, it's not fair that the expectation is your DD will just have to cope, because that ability to cope is not available to her because she has ASD! Grrrrrr!

If they are telling you that they can't meet her needs on that day, surely that means your child is not attending due to their staffing problem. Which means it has to be an excused absence and not count towards any absentee data. Ask for it in writing?

I have a daughter also who has an ASD diagnosis. Her ILP (IEP) has changed over the years but for some years it included the need for them to provide a social story with notice for planned special days. So at least a week beforehand we'd get a couple of pages stapled together with a timetable for the day, info about which movie or music there would be. With enough notice we could work through her list of concerns in advance to make the day run more smoothly. So we might watch the film at home to ensure familiarity. Confirm where she'd sit. Who she'd sit near. Have the option to wear headphones/ear defenders. Pre plan her snacks.

It's important that sometimes we face up to a challenge and often with enough extra supports in place our children are not only capable of participation, they can enjoy previously impossible situations.

All that said - if your child needs to leave the room to decompress at any time the school must be able to make that happen.

This sounds stressful but have you actually considered what the SENCO said? When children watch a film where I teach, they're not allowed to talk. It's actually very calm. Same with eating their party food - they'd be expected to sit quietly, chatting to the couple of children next to them. The school has explained it all badly and been dismissive of your concerns, but the actual afternoon might not be too bad - in my school it would be calmer than a normal lunchtime for example. We certainly don't have spare adults doing jobs like 'tidying the library' (as per a pp) but would find another space for your daughter if she needed, even if it was in the reading corner with ear defenders (because as I've described the classroom would be pretty quiet anyway).

It might be helpful to.speak to the class teacher as the frontline worker before you decide whether or not to send her. SENDCos are sometimes a bit removed from the actual classroom. We have a film / snacks afternoon, but lots of children of this age in my class with different needs so I do a colouring / Lego table at the back for those who don't care for the film; space in class for a few children to have ear defenders and face away from the screen to read a book or draw and a rest break halfway through for those who have to get outside and do a few laps of the playground. They get little paper bags with the snacks in but they don't have to eat them. You may have already checked it out with the teacher, but if not, it's worth a try before you make your decision.

I think part of the issue here is that the problem is not as visible or obvious to the school, due to the fact the OP’s dd masks at school and lets out her stress at home, including by refusing to go into school.

So the school don’t see the urgency or extent of need that the parent does. The school may believe that they are meeting the need, or that the need doesn’t exist on thus occasion because of the limited nature of the party.

This is why communication is absolutely key - OP needs to be very clear and detailed about how her dd is presenting at home and why, and how the school can help, and the school needs to listen fully and with an open mind, understanding masking.

If the school says ‘yes, we know the problem exists and its full extent, but we are refusing to do anything about it’ that’s very different. What, however, they may be saying is ‘We don’t see this in school and aren’t really aware of the full extent so we think this level of reassurance is ok’ - which needs OP to push back with ‘well, actually…..’.

This is such a sad thread that is unfortunately all too common at the moment and some of the replies have pointed out why.

I am very sorry that you are in this impossible situation. I totally agree with you that the best outcome would be for her to be in a quiet space like the library. Unfortunately as many PPs have pointed out, there may simply not be enough warm bodies to facilitate this. It sounds dramatic, but it really isn’t. It is the harsh reality of many many schools at the minute. For context, I’m a head of department in a secondary school and despite being one of the best schools in the authority, I have been unable to fill the last two teaching vacancies we have had. In addition to this, one of my classes has 22/30 pupils with SEN. I have no TA with me because there simply aren’t enough and there are children in other classes whose needs are greater. I try my best for them, I really really do but I simply cannot ADEQUATELY provide everything they need. Previously with a group like that, even if there was no TA, a member of staff such as a cover supervisor would have been provided so that there was some form of extra adult capacity but even that can’t happen anymore due to lack of staff.
With work I have done with pupils with similar needs in the past, as a PP pointed out, talking to you DD about the event and preparing them as much as you can is sometimes a valuable coping mechanism for them and can increase their ability to overcome such upset with such events. I appreciate though that it might be a little late for you to do that this time but it could be something to try in the long term moving forward.

It’s really not good but in this instance you may need to remove her from situation if there can be be no guarantee of an alternative place for her to go. If the party is in the afternoon, could you pick her up after the afternoon registration mark so that it doesn’t actually attend her attendance figures. If this isn’t possible and ends up with an absent mark for the afternoon then I think you need to address this in writing with the school highlighting that with no alternative provision, you have had to provide it yourself.

That said, as rubbish as it is, please don’t give the school merry hell as someone suggested earlier because I can guarantee that the vast majority of staff are doing their absolute best to do what they can with the severely limited resources that are currently at their disposal. The staff that remain in schools
are desperately trying to pick up the slack of the unfilled positions, but there is only
so much that one person can do, especially when their own job and responsibilities take them massively over the hours they should be working. Many of them, like me, will already be thinking about leaving the profession for good and whilst you absolutely should be angry that your daughter cannot have the provision she needs, the anger needs to be directed to your MP and the government so that they get the message that the education system needs drastic help asap or things are going to get even worse, much worse before they get better. 😟

👏👏👏

@MrsR87, thank you for that lovely, thoughtful comment. I would not give school merry hell; not only would it be unhelpful but might actually be harmful. My DH is an assistant head (though not of a Primary) and I know how tough things are.

(@MrsR87 and, if no one has told you recently, thank you for all of the work you do for the kids in your classes. I for one am extremely grateful!).