SENCos response to my concern...

[Eeve]

My DD is 10 and has a diagnosis of ASD. She is really very sensitive to changes in routine and has a lot of sensory issues, particularly around noise. Additionally, she get hugely anxious generally in school and as a result we do have issues getting her in at times. The SENCo is aware of all this.

We got a letter to say that on the last day of term the children will be having a party in each of their classrooms and included a list of food and drinks parents could bring in for them. My DD is in a state as this is obviously a big change to the normal run of things, and additionally she is getting het up about the fact that the other children will be "loud and excited" (as they should be!).

DD really does not want to go to school on Friday, because she is going to be overwhelmed. Knowing this I emailed the SENCo to ask whether she should be able to read in the library, or generally go somewhere that would be more calmed and settled for her. Additionally I asked that if this was to be the plan that she let me know so I could make it clear for my DD what to expect.

Anyway, this was the response I got: "Party is strong word! They are actually watching a movie, having some snacks, no music! If it all gets too
much (Adult availability willing) I am sure DD can have a break. But try and reassure her that it is not going to be a wild party!!".

AIBU to think that this is not a good enough adjustment for her? Adult availability willing means she's going to be stuck and very, very stressed. I'm trying to work with the school to improve her attendance, but I feel they're not meeting me half way.

Presumably you're trying to improve her attendance so she's not missing education rather than just improve the percentage, so personally I wouldn't worry about keeping her at home if that's what she needs.

My autistic 11yo is also having attendance problems (secondary) but if she can't go in she can't go in and the school understand that it's because she's finding it really hard, they're not just trying to get us to improve the number with no changes. I'm doing my best to get her in for as many core lessons as possible and worrying less about things she definitely won't be doing for GCSE.

There's two ways of looking at this, one you can remove your dd from anything she's uncomfortable with or two continuously try to introduce her to experiences that are not in her comfort zone but prep in advance... we chose the latter. I would talk through with dd what the change in schedule was, what the activity was, allow her to choose snacks appropriate for her (food issues so won't eat most party food) and she took headphones to dull the noise and had her iPod (showing age here) which she had permission to use if she needed to do her own thing sitting in the corner or sometimes she would go and "help" in the school office.

We still talk through social situations and she's at university, but it is easier now and she self regulates better. AirPods are amazing too as not that obvious

@sparkellie you're right. I'm just dreading another bloody letter about "persistent absence" when I know that if she had more support in school then she would find it easier to attend.

@gogohmm that's a brilliant idea, and something that, with enough notice we can do. I will definitely be asking if we can have a bit more time before so that we can think about how best to tackle. Your daughter sounds like she's doing well!

I can't roll my eyes hard enough for this response. Reading the fucking op, if you are capable.

It sounds as though the school are failing her consistently, and that's more the issue here. Take the day off with her and enjoy it. And give the school hell about making sure allowances are made for her. Does she have an ehcp?

I would keep her at home or pick her up at lunch if it's in the afternoon.
It's supposed to be fun, it's no fun for her, no point.

I think it would be reasonable to respond in a ‘you say it’s only x, but the effect on dd is y’ more detailed way:

a) As you know, we are working with school
to improve dd’s attendance, so I am trying to find the best way to make sure dd can be in school on Friday.

b) You may say it is ‘not really a party’, but dd hears the word ‘party’ and is already stressed. Despite the low key nature of the event, dd’s sensitivity to noise means that what you describe us still likely to be overwhelming . Could school staff discuss the plans with dd to prepare her in detail to see if this addresses her fears successfully?

c) I appreciate that staffing to allow dd to remove herself from the classroom to a different location may be very challenging to arrange. Is there a quiet place eg near Reception or offices where dd can read under the indirect supervision of non class-based staff?

d) Alternative options might be for dd to attend for part if the day or physical noise reduction eg ear defenders? Is there anything that you as SENCo could suggest, to both meet the school’s concern about dd’s attendance and dd’’s known noise sensitivity [reference paperwork where thus is described eg EHCP or MyPlan]

I think the SENCo has gone for general reassurance, and has missed the mark. A more detailed reply from you will hopefully prompt greater engagement from the school.

@sparkellie you're spot on, I think. We are just in the process of gathering evidence for an EHCP, having to get a lot of reports done privately as school just aren't really pulling their finger out. I have been waiting for the SENCo to meet with me to think about the process for 4 months. They can be quite "gaslighting", essentially telling me everything is fine, meanwhile I have a child melting down continually about how much they hate school and would rather die than go.

She didn't ask them to cancel anything. She's concerned about her attendance record. All in her posts if you read them.

@cantkeepawayforever that's incredibly helpful. Thank you!

I imagine the key issue is resources, I doubt if a child can be left unsupervised in the library. Ideally there would be an alternative event/chill zone for children who struggle with the party/non routine activities. I think the suggestion by@cantkeepawayforever is the way forward.

Be aware that dd may ‘mask’ in school so school staff may not be as aware of her challenges as you are. Videoing / recording a typical at home scene can be helpful.

@Marblessolveeverything agreed! Like I said, I'd be delighted to keep her at home! Its only the attendance issue that gets on my wick. I will be following @cantkeepawayforever's really thoughtful advice.

@cantkeepawayforever absolutely - last conversation I had with the class teacher revealed that she didn't know what masking was. She was shocked to discover just how much DD hates school. She happens to be exceptionally bright which further prevents her from getting the social and emotional support she needs because its easy to think that she's fine. Poor child walks around the playground by herself every break and lunch time.

Just knowing that you have an escape route can be hugely reassuring for an autistic person.

There may not be anyone available to sit with your dd and hold her hand during the film, but she may not want that, either. However there will be adults available. Staff will be using this time to get as much work done as possible before the next term. If someone is tidying the library, for example, would you dd find it soothing to help, or even to just sit there with her book, loosely supervised?

@GazeboLantern that would be her dream scenario!

DD would never, in a million years ask someone if she needed to leave etc, however, because she lives in fear of doing the wrong thing or getting in trouble (she has never been in trouble in her whole life). I am thinking of asking if she can use some simple communication cards so that she doesn't have to make the request verbally. I'm not confident about the school's response, though

You'd think schools these days would know to provide some quiet spaces for kids especially on days like this - it's like we've gone back to the 70s.

That's incredibly difficult. We were very lucky and my son got his ehcp before starting secondary. It was hell on earth trying to get it approved and they refused it to start with, and that was despite a very strongly worded letter from his primary school head (also the senco).
If it were me I would be looking for an alternative school, preferably with good sn provision. It doesn't sound as though they will be all that supportive even if she gets the ehcp (and that takes time), and will do the bare minimum. My son's school always went over and above to make sure he had every support in place, even before funding was in place.
I'm sorry they're so shit. For you and for your dd.

Communication cards are a very normal tool used in schools for those who are ND. Secondary, especially, where there are normally staffed SEN quiet areas. Harder in a primary school, but if your DD could use a card to sit outside the office etc, might she be more confidant in asking? It's a fine balance between needing a quiet space to decompress and avoiding lessons, though.

Gazebo - yes, in the past. Illness, huge real terms budget cuts, difficulty in recruitment mean that at the moment, schools are really struggling in terms of ‘warm bodies in front of each class’, let alone others to be doing any sorting out elsewhere. Class TAs have largely disappeared, and there are no supply teachers and no budget for them, so the idea that there will be anyone anywhere else in the building (except key office staff) is sadly now unrealistic. ‘Sorting’ will be done by teachers in the holidays or their own time.

I think that it is important to work through what accommodations are reasonable eg ear defenders seem reasonable, a timetable of the afternoon activities available in advance that your daughter can refer to seems reasonable.

To remove her from the activity either to another class or stay at home, seems unreasonable.

Part of schooling is helping your daughter to find ways through change rather than avoid it. Unless, she is going to a special school for secondary- it is important to practise this now.

Staffed by who?

You have my sympathy @Eeve. My DD struggles similarly and the run up to Christmas at primary was always such a nightmare. Routines go out the window and everyone is supposed to enjoy it.

I agree with going back to the Senco and requesting a proper plan. There was always somewhere my DD could go in her school. Often the library (the librarian loved her), but sometimes even just sitting in the school office. Especially at that age because they don't need the close attention that a Y1 would. Quite often if there was a film thing she'd stay in the classroom but be reading in the book corner with her ear defenders on. Or they'd have set up a colouring table for the kids who didn't want to watch the film, there were always a few who didn't want to.

Just keep her home if she is OK with that idea.