To think mothers are the most judgemental of other mothers?

[antelopevalley]

And to feel sad this is the case, Most (I am not naive I know not all), mothers are doing a good enough job and their children are fine. So why do so many mothers criticise what are fairly minor things over a childhood?

Who cares if you do baby-led weaning or spoon-feeding. Or if you toilet train using chocolate buttons (my top toilet training tip). Or if you dress young kids in fashionable clothes or more classic clothes.

There are so many things that mothers judge each other on that really do not matter. Do what works for you and your child. Save judgement for neglect and abuse and report it. Not for simply making different decisions about everyday things.

And my title is because I find other people don't care about these things at all or very much. It is other mothers who do and who judge.

I agree but I think a lot of the time it is to boost ones own standing.

I read an article years ago about "mum-upmanship" which is a great name for it.

"mum-upmanship" I haven't heard that term before. It is a good one.

There's loads of pressure on mums and everyone is keen to have done the best for their children. That makes people defensive where others have done, or recommend doing, differently. I think it's just human nature, hormones/ tiredness and the pressure that is on mums/ parents.

I can tell you that you care a lot less about what others do as your children get older.

I would agree that it's often other mothers that judge. Judging for weaning techniques and clothing is just daft.
I do admit that i judge lazy parenting though. I can't help it. Naughty kids that aren't disciplined and left to run wild. Bottle propping. Children not dressed appropriately for the weather. That's just a couple of things off the top of my head.

@EndlessRain1 My children are 14 and 16 and the criticism just seems insane now.

My son one winter - he was about 2 - refused to wear trousers. Shorts only. No matter how cold. That does not make me a lazy parent. But GREAT example of judgement for the OP.

I think this is load of guff. Nobody honestly gives a . Stop buying into the concept of judgement and you know, exist? Far too many people way too invested in 'feeling' judged.

Oh really? Mine at 5 and 9 and I feel it's so much better already. Maybe it's just I don't really care if others judge me now I am not sleep deprived and hormonal anymore.

Children not dressed appropriately for the weather.

I don’t judge this because I know how difficult children can be about wearing certain items. All of my children went through a hat hating stage as toddlers and my youngest now detests gloves and mittens so pulls them straight off. I also know someone whose son has SEN and he will not wear a coat, he hates the feel of all coats so she has to deal with endless glares when it’s cold outside.

It was the competition I couldn't stand. I had a couple of mum friends, but all they ever did was go on about how their toddlers knew the complete works of Shakespeare, was potty trained at three months old and could make their own clothing 🙄 it became tedious very fast, particularly when the sly digs started.

Insecurity, I guess. Just like all other ways people judge one another. If someone is happy and confident in themselves and their decisions they accept that everyone is different and has different ways of doing things. In the majority of cases there is no right and wrong but if someone is insecure they will try to pull down anyone doing something ‘different’.

I think a lot of the trouble is parents not feeling confident in their choices and being in online spaces (where people say things they’d never say to your face!)

I definitely notice myself thinking “I wouldn’t do that” or “that’s not great” as a reflex but try to remind myself that I don’t know the full circumstances. Most people love their kids and are trying their best.

eg I saw a friend post a picture of her 6yo with a dummy the other day and my instant reaction was judgement but I have no idea what’s going on in her life and maybe there’s a reason they can’t fight that battle now? Who knows? It’s not my place to say as it isn’t like it’s something dangerous.

People sometimes judge my parenting choices but I’m happy they’re right for our family so I dgaf what they think 🤷‍♀️

I met this type too.

Women tear each other down over anything. Men may be the master of the patriarchy but women do the heavy lifting to enforce it.

🙄

Maybe I'm naive or lucky but I think the amount of judging that goes on is very little. A lot of what we feel is judgment is actually projection - I'm worried I'm not good enough so I imagine those other mums think I'm not good enough. In reality people just aren't that interested. I couldn't give a toss whether someone else dresses their child in X or feeds them Y (as long as we're not talking about neglect) and struggle to believe that many other people care either. Haven't we all got enough going on?

What? You literally admitted to be judgemental?!

One-up-mumship would be better!

I agree with this. I know that when I was a new mum I may have come across as judging, with questions like "why do you do X?", but I was just so anxious that I wasn't doing things "right". It took me a good few years to settle down and realise that there is no "right".

I spend a lot of time thinking "well that says more about you then it does about me/her" when I hear other people being judgemental, which I guess is a bit judgy of me to.

Honestly most people don't give a shit,

I think sometimes it’s not a matter of judging someone, but as there are so many parts of parenting where there’s no one right way of doing something, it can seem like judgement where someone talks about doing something in a different way.

If you’re secure in how you’re bringing your child up then it probably won’t bother you, but if you are a bit wobbly or unsure then hearing that your friend is doing baby led weaning and is confident in doing so but you’ve chosen spoon feeding and have your reasons for that, then it may feel like you’re being judged.

My kids are teen and pre-teen now and recently a friend with a baby and toddler was asking how I dealt with a particular bedtime issue when mine were little. I had to say that it had never been an issue for us. We had dealt with things differently when they were little so I didn’t really have any advice to give. I was aware as I spoke to her it could sound like I was judging her and hopefully that’s not what she thought, but I honestly couldn’t give any advice as it wasn’t an issue I had experience with so didn’t want to pretend I did.

I would also say, there is a judgier category. The not-yet-parents. Whose children will never watch a screen, or eat sugar or go out without gloves.

I think its insecurity in the face of so much pressure that seems to increase with every new generation. Women are bombarded with instructions as to the current absolutely essential thing they need to be doing, and its nigh on impossible to believe you're doing enough and getting it right.
Its a natural human response to look to others in comparison and this can lead to a 'well at least I'm not as bad as her' mentality.
Less charitably, I think there's also a tendancy for some women to approach child rearing with the zeal and competitiveness they previously aplied to their careers. They make a full time job out of going way beyond the necessary and validate it by judging other women who do 'less'.

I don’t judge (too much) but I feel very sorry for my brother and SIL who ‘can’t’ do a bedtime without hours of rocking, soothing, talking, up and down the bloody stairs like yo-yos. The children are 4 and 6. It’s completely mad, and they seem resigned to do it for as long as it takes. Literally every evening they endure this performance and it goes on until 10pm or so. It did make me very mindful of how I wanted bedtimes to look before I had my own.

You are right though OP, I have luckily a group of very supportive laid back mum friends but my original NCT- wow. So much thinly veiled judgement. The worst one was that sadly, I had the least money so my baby was the first to start nursery as I had to work, at ten months. SO much ‘oh my goodness what a long day for him!’ And ‘I could never, they’re only little for such a short time!’

Yeah. I formula fed my girls (who are 8 and 6 now - and perfectly fine and healthy) and my colleague actually rolled her eyes about it. Her kids are in their teens. How on earth do my feeding choices five bloody years ago impact upon her life?