To think mothers are the most judgemental of other mothers?

[antelopevalley]

And to feel sad this is the case, Most (I am not naive I know not all), mothers are doing a good enough job and their children are fine. So why do so many mothers criticise what are fairly minor things over a childhood?

Who cares if you do baby-led weaning or spoon-feeding. Or if you toilet train using chocolate buttons (my top toilet training tip). Or if you dress young kids in fashionable clothes or more classic clothes.

There are so many things that mothers judge each other on that really do not matter. Do what works for you and your child. Save judgement for neglect and abuse and report it. Not for simply making different decisions about everyday things.

And my title is because I find other people don't care about these things at all or very much. It is other mothers who do and who judge.

Some women do but many don't. You really do have to find your tribe. I took dd1 to groups and then ds too until he was mobile. At that point she would run in one direction and he another, at one group I went to there were a group of mums tutting at me. I never went back there. Now I have dd2 and we go to lots of groups. I do not care what people think and largely everyone I have met has been nice. Dd2 is a clingy baby but smiles at everyone so that helps with interactions. Plus I'm not a nervous first time mum, she's my third kid and I'm confident in my parenting (at least at this stage) so even if we don't make any friends it's about getting out of the house and having some fun together.

There's more than one way to parent and each kid is different. I've tailored my approach to meet the needs of each of my kids. I recognise most parents are just trying to do their best so I but out. I don't give advice unless asked and if my kids haven't been through something I'll be honest and say so. I've made friends with women on a birth group and mumsnet and we have a group on Facebook . It's full of women from all over the world and a very non judgementa space.

In fairness I was probably describing this in a slightly harsh way....I actually only learned this when we were having a conversation about what we look at on the beach. Basically I asked if she tended to look at other men on the beach (acknowledging that I may from time to time look at other women, although i try to be subtle about it)....I was actually expecting a 'yes a bit, but only the fit ones' (and this would have been just fine) what I got was something in a way much more interesting.....she tends to keep it to herself unless I specifically ask what she's doing. She also couldn't really explain why she does this, but at the same time she's also not particularly proud of this behaviour.

Maybe first time mums but by the time you get to your second you don't really care and realise it doesn't matter what others do, or at least that's how it was for me! Everyone fed, no one dead.

Yeah I would have judged the cage.

I think some women do. However, since I’ve moved to a more remote area the mothers around me all seem to really help each other out and are very supportive of everything

It's true but only in early years, you find your true supportive friends and then ditch the rest of them. I felt very judged for going back to work after having my two then within a few years everyone was envious I had a career. Real friends will out,

I think sometimes it’s not a matter of judging someone, but as there are so many parts of parenting where there’s no one right way of doing something, it can seem like judgement where someone talks about doing something in a different way.

If you’re secure in how you’re bringing your child up then it probably won’t bother you, but if you are a bit wobbly or unsure then hearing that your friend is doing baby led weaning and is confident in doing so but you’ve chosen spoon feeding and have your reasons for that, then it may feel like you’re being judged
Agree with this.
If you're not feeling confident in why you're doing what you're doing as a parent it's easy to feel that anyone doing it differently or having a different perspective is judgement.

Yes definitely there are some mothers who love to judge. I remember the frazzled mum who scraped my car in a car park yelling at me that I was a bad mother 🤔 because my car door was open while I put my baby in her car seat. Some mums think they are amazing so judge and others are struggling so judge to feel better. Never let it get to you. Being a parent is so difficult and no one is perfect.

I probably seemed quite judgemental when I had my first baby. I was suffering with PND and I felt like such a shit mother. I was really insecure at that time.

After having my second, my mental health has improved massively, and I no longer make negative comments about other people's choices, because I simply don't give a shit what everyone else is doing. I'm busy and happy.

I wonder if a lot of these "judgemental" mothers are actually just terrified that they're getting it all wrong. There's an awful lot of pressure on mums. You have to be thick skinned.

I agree. I’m genuinely unbothered by anyone else’s parenting. I tend to assume people are doing their best, apart from cases of obvious neglect or mistreatment.

The only time I have a reaction is when someone is doing something where there's a lot of evidence against it, or I've personally experienced the negative effects of. It's more of a helpless or sad feeling for them suffering. Witnessing a distressed child is difficult and combined with years of higher education and experience it can be a little jarring, but I've never shared an unsolicited opinion nor have I known others to give or receive them.

I can only think of one example of being judged and I'm at the teen stage now, it was by a woman running a craft activity at a cafe and garden. She was annoyed that I didn't make my toddler sit down at a table in the garden and do intricate crafts that weren't age appropriate for my toddler. The next closest thing was a childless friend telling me that their mum did CIO, in response to me having to get off the phone to soothe my baby, but I didn't take it as a judgement so much as them trying to be helpful.

I don’t experience too much (obvious) judgement, but there is a lot of competitiveness…mostly subtle, and also, if this doesn’t sound weird competitive uncompetitiveness…an example, oh, I heard x saying in the playground how her DD is soooo good at reading, I mean, why would you do that, why does it matter? So vulgar etc etc (I have to admit I’ve been guilty of this but only in my head!)

I've noticed something similar wonderingpondering, mums going out of their way to brag about not caring about XYZ. I've noticed mums talking about needing to drink alcohol to get through parenting, and acting as though it's cool to call your kids little wankers and similar. There's a lot on SM about this sort of thing, a sort of backlash to being a 'perfect' parent.

@tensmumm yes! Have to admit I did a post on Xmas day to a WhatsApp group I’m in about needing prosecco to cope 🙈. But I mean, it was a joke, and Xmas day. I know what you mean about social media, I feel awful saying this in RL as I know people do struggle with parenting and it can be hard, but there are a lot of those oh woe is me posts and poems etc, almost competing about who finds it hardest, like a race to the bottom, when really, like most things in life parenting has good bits, bad bits and mainly just in the middle! Same as life without kids..