Friend ruining nights out - Christmas party coming up

[Kylerd]

I'm friends with a group of eight others. Sometimes we go out as a group, sometimes we invite all of our partners. Everyone is lovely and on nights out, we're all out to have fun... but there's one that takes it too far. She can be flirty with men (married or not) while sober but her behaviour on nights out is getting worse each time. No-one else in our group has mentioned it but I can see their reactions and sometimes they've left to go home straight after she has behaved a certain way. None of us are prudes but it's getting a bit much.

To give some examples, she said to one of the married men (she's also married) that he doesn't know what she can do in bed and how she's wild. This was at a party at his home while his wife was nearby. Another time she kept talking out of nowhere about how she had had breast implants years ago, stood up and started touching her boobs and running her hands all over while making sure everyone was looking.

Do I say something or just do my best to ignore? She's an adult and can do what she likes obviously but it's making me dread our Christmas night out. It's slightly less bad when her husband is there but he's usually too drunk to notice.

You use the word friend but it sounds like she's more of an associate.

If she's a friend, this sounds like attention seeking escalating behaviour. I'd be concerned everything isn't okay. People act out for all sorts of reasons but if this is newish behaviour maybe you could give her some attention, have a coffee, say quietly shes changed and you're concerned and dig a little to see if other stuff is going on that she needs support with.

If she's more of an associate then I'd go for the more direct call her out on the behaviour when it actually affects me/ my partner (or get him to call out if it is in his direction)

Yep exactly.

Video her. Send it the next day.

Not the best answer, but I'd be more intrigued with what activities she got upto.

Still at work so will be able to respond better later tonight.

I probably should have added that one of our group is her best friend. They've been friends for about thirty years. I've been friends with everyone for nine years so there's not as much history there. Her best friend doesn't really react to the behaviour, it's almost as if it isn't happening.

No-one else has said anything but without going into a load of detail, we had a situation before with someone who is now no longer part of the group and no-one said anything. It was nothing like this thankfully but it showed me that people in our group just aren't the type to speak up. It wasn't my place to speak up that time but I think it will be this time!

I don't think she has a problem as such with alcohol, more thinking that she's God's gift and that everyone thinks so.

When she behaves like this, I've done various things to either remove myself from the situation temporarily or ignore. So if we're at a house party, I've got up and walked past her (as if she didn't exist) and got myself a drink. Or if we're at the pub etc, I've gone to the loo or started chatting with whoever is beside me.

Thanks everyone for making me not feel like a total prude!

Another vote for this. I suspect she drinks too much because of nerves or such like.

I wouldn’t tell her, it won’t end well. She’s not your responsibility, just ignore her or make a joke of it. It’s her partner’s job .

Lots of things, so either implying (or saying outright tbh) how good she is in bed, or inappropriate touching. She also sometimes works away and tells us, while not that drunk might I add, how she dreads waking up after work drinks and turning around in case she's got a strange man in her bed 🙄

I feel like if I say something, then I'll be the only one and it will be me that's left out.

Honestly OP, your update makes it even more the case that you should say nothing. It sounds as though the rest of the group don't feel the way you do and I'd be surprised if a 30 year friendship doesn't trump a 9 year one, so you could end up the loser here.
If it were me I'd keep well out if it. One woman making a fool of herself shouldn't mean your night is ruined, and if she thinks she's Gods gift, who cares? But if it bothers you that much, you may need to opt out yourself as the others hardly seemed fussed.

If it bothers all of you, have you discussed it? I don't understand why people don't just stop inviting her and her husband to the couples' things.

I don’t know why word prude has to be used here, it’s such a horrible misogynystic word.
That being said, there isin’t anything to be ’prude’ about here.
This woman is some seriously sad, insecure and trashy person!
I wouldn’t want to spend anytime with someone like her.

If anything I may egg her on… Could be funny to see and may push the others to have enough. If her husband is there he may see what she does while she is away ie the comments of being worries she is waking with a stranger! Wow

If she says anything like this to you or in your company, I'd point blank tell her you're not interested in the private side of her life, and carry one as if she isn't there.

I’d be filming her, and posting on social media with laughing emojis and a “and here we go again” tag
But maybe that’s just me

Or if your partner is there play a non-existent bingo card if she touches her boob, you cross off a box or even make it into a drinking game. Have fun with it so it doesn’t ruin your night.

I'd stop including her in nights out.

When she asks why, be brutally honest.

I think if you discuss it with the others then when they are agtreeing then tell her.

What shes'like when drink and behaviour is bad when drunk as she needs to sort herself out.

I suggest you do it this way so you know your friends will back you up when you need them too.

Next time she tells how good she is, turn to her husband ask if that’s true.
(My money would bet she is indeed not)
I’m rolling my eyes so hard at this woman.
Do you know anything about her history?
This behaviour isin’t normal.
Maybe she has sexual abuse in her past and that’s why she wraps her worth around sexuality.
Or husband cheats/ doesn’t fuck her…

Not your job. It sounds like its not the drink but a problem with self esteem and fading attention.

Do I say something or just do my best to ignore?

Of course you say something! It's beyond me how all 7 of you grown women have managed not to.

Don't say anything upfront - it will do nothing to prevent her usual behaviours, & all you will get is denial & bad feeling.
Just call it out in the moment: - "Sandra - you're being inappropriate again" "Sandra, grow up & stop sexually harrassing John" - "Sandra - you're making John uncomfortable, cut it out" - "Sandra, you're pissing me right off, can you manage to stop behaving like a horny teenage boy?"

(Apologies to all Sandras everywhere!)

You will get pushback, sulking, denials & maybe even a row.
So what?
How can that be any more uncomfortable that what she's putting you through already?
With luck she'll be so "upset" she'll flounce. None of your mates will blame you - they're likely to back you up, but as usual - nobody wants to be the first to call it.

I loathe displays of toxic femininity like these. Lets the bloody side down, & embarrassing for all concerned. Especially the poor men.

Yup.

She sounds sad and with low self esteem.

I would happily ignore her, or if I felt she was actually a friend, reach out and see if she was ok.

TulipCat · Today 18:37
Take some video footage of her and show it to her once she's sobered up.

squidgybits · Today 18:40
Film her next cringey behaviour, then show it to her next day

Fucksake do NOT do this OP.
Way to instantly lose the moral high ground.
And how mean. And cowardly. Like school bullies.

Just call it out in the moment. PP who told you it's none of your business is barking - of course it is - it's embarrassing YOU. It's also very probably leaving your male friends wishing the ground would swallow them up - they don't have the same "meh, different day, same shit" level of experience women are forced to have when dealing with opposite-sex harrassment.

As to the PP who said you have to leave it to the men to sort out - way to promote allyship, huh? I bet she'd want her male friends to step up for her if another bloke was sexually harrassing her. How come she thinks it doesn't apply the other way round?

No it isn't.

Any more than it's a female partner's job to police her sleazy inappropriate male partner.

Even if it were - OP's already said her partner's usually too pissed to notice.

I feel like if I say something, then I'll be the only one and it will be me that's left out.

If you did, & were then ostracised for it - this group of friends are not the people you thought they were. Why should you continue putting up with it, just because of some assumed GroupThink?

plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/