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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel left out and taken for granted. Need to get a grip!

58 replies

TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 17:06

We wanted to see close friends (3 couples) before Christmas as we have presents for them. We found out they were seeing each other at a restaurant (over 2 hours drive away) but we were not invited. We would have gone as driving isn’t a big deal for us. I phoned one friend to say we were sorry not to be joining them as it was Christmas snd we could have brought the presents. He said not to worry. When were we free after Christmas? They would all come and stay with us.

i always have them! I always do the New Year dinner! I always put them up! Whenever they come to this area we put them up and I cook! We do have space but I now feel taken for granted and excluded. DH isn’t happy either. We want to stay friends with people we have known for 45 years but it just seems that we are expected to entertain them but they book a restaurant without asking us to join them. Not sure there’s an answer but should I continue to welcome them when they want to stay? Or be a bit more unavailable?

OP posts:
Facecream · 12/12/2022 17:10

Personally I’d reply and say “that doesn’t work for us this year”.
I wouldn’t say any more than that and let them do the chasing.
And only one replied?
What about the other two co?

SimonaSimms · 12/12/2022 17:11

Sounds like it's almost become a tradition to come to yours. We do the same and we love it. Nobody has ever asked of we should do it somewhere else because it's just the done thing. Wouldn't read too much into that unless you've suggested it and they've said no.

They probably just presumed you didn't want to go as it was 2 hours away. Think you are being a big unreasonable.

SimonaSimms · 12/12/2022 17:11

*bit

fatsinglereadytomingle · 12/12/2022 17:11

Did they say anything when. You mentioned not being invited?
Do you live in a picturesque/hotspot/desirable location for new year celebrations that they keep you on standby for?

I'd be less available but appreciate that may end a long-standing friendship which you don't want to do. Failing that I'd have to bring up how disappointing it was to be missed when arranging this night out

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2022 17:12

Do the others live near each other?

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 12/12/2022 17:13

Do you also live 2 hours away from them all?
If you are the only one who lives away they probably didn’t think to invite you. Maybe it’s an event at the restaurant that is fully booked and not just a sit down meal? Or they might just think 2 hours is too far for you to drive if it is just for a meal.
I think I would respond like your friend. They still want to see you, it’s not as if they said ‘oh well’.
I can see how you might feel taken advantage of though. Maybe you could suggest meeting them somewhere on a different date so that they don’t pile onto you at New Year.

stuntbubbles · 12/12/2022 17:15

i always have them! I always do the New Year dinner! I always put them up! Whenever they come to this area we put them up and I cook!
This sounds like it might be the tradition and they’re under the impression you like it - presumably you’ve always given the impression you’re happy with this? Or have you frequently said “this was great, who’s hosting next year?”

It is a bit shit they didn’t invite you to the restaurant but I’m not sure I’d invite someone two hours away out to dinner?

StickyCricket · 12/12/2022 17:16

“We’ll come to you for a change, give us some dates that suit”.

Greenfinch7 · 12/12/2022 17:17

Do they all live close to the restaurant? And you are relatively far away? They might assume it's pretty far to go for a meal: a 4 hour roundtrip...

When you told your friend you were sorry not to be joining them, did you make it completely clear that you weren't coming because you weren't invited? They might not realise that you want to come but feel unwelcome. They might assume you are sorry not to be joining them because it is so far away.

I am just saying this because I would not think to invite a friend to a restaurant that was a 2 hour drive away if they also had to drive back that night.

ComfortablyDazed · 12/12/2022 17:21

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed.

But - an over two hour drive to a restaurant for dinner?? That’s boggling. Of course they didn’t think you’d be up for that.

We need a bit more info. Do they all live closer to each other, and so that’s why they travel to see you?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/12/2022 17:25

Even if everyone else here thinks it's too far to go for a meal, OP was happy to go if they'd bothered asking.

Poor form from them OP, I'd definitely not follow up on the invitation to yours and I'd let it slide, see how long it takes them to contact you

Original poster
TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 17:26

Two couples live fairly close to the restaurant. One couple was in the area seeing a relative but live near us. Yes. We are in a great area. We don’t see 2 hours as an issue. We feel we would have liked to have been asked. It feels like they have hived themselves off.

I guess we don’t like to disappoint people by saying no. It’s not just new year. It’s other weekends too. Nearby friends don’t have anyone to stay. Ever. They ask us to do it. There’s a fine line between feeling we are taken advantage of and naturally wanting to see old friends. I guess we thought before Christmas and a chance to exchange presents would have been “Christmassy”. Plus I wouldn’t be making beds, getting bathrooms ready, getting in food etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 17:28

I regularly drive over 2 hours to see relatives. It was also lunch. I should have said that,

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/12/2022 17:31

I'd definitely take a step back OP. Do they ever offer you anything for your hospitality when they stay at yours?

Retrievemysanity · 12/12/2022 17:31

Your NY thing sounds like it’s become an expected thing so I don’t think it’s particularly unreasonable for them to assume that’s going ahead as normal.

The meal, well, that depends I suppose. Do the others live near each other? Do they meet up without you normally? How did you find out about this meal? Two hours there and back is a lot just for a meal especially if they think you’re seeing them in the new year anyway. I wouldn’t be getting too upset I don’t think. I’m sure it’s not a case of leaving you out to be mean.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 12/12/2022 17:32

Could you tell them honestly and undramatically about how you feel? 'I was hurt not to be invited to the restaurant, especially as we always host you at New Year'

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2022 17:33

Ask them how the restaurant was, and if they liked it suggest it for the new year meet up?

I hate being told "not to worry" when I'm absolutely not worrying but questioning their behaviour!

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 12/12/2022 17:36

If they're good friends can you talk to them and explain how you feel? That you feel taken for granted that they assume you'll put them up and entertain them every year but don't invite you to other events like the restaurant?

Fleabigg · 12/12/2022 17:37

I have a friend who lives about 90 minutes away from the rest of the group (she moved away). We don’t generally invite her when we’re going out where the rest of us live because we assume she wouldn’t want to come that far. She lets us know when she’s coming up and we try to get together then.

You might need to be more clear with your friends that you and your DH do want to be invited and you’re happy to travel to them. As for the New Year thing, suggest an alternative and that’ll soon show if they’re taking you for granted or if they actually want to get together.

OnlyFannys · 12/12/2022 17:38

It sounds like they were probably trying to take advantage of the fact the other couple were in the area rather than trying to exclude you but I can see why you might feel left out

MrsCarson · 12/12/2022 17:38

I'd be really annoyed. They didn't even bother to ask if you wanted to drive over for the meal. Then they want to just come to yours and stay over taking advantage of your hospitality. Seems like they don't really appreciate you as a friend.
I would not host the next get together no matter if you like to do it. Say you aren't really up for it and will come to them instead. You'll soon see if you are being used or not.

ComfortablyDazed · 12/12/2022 17:44

I think you need to somehow raise it with them, OP.

I know having an utter horror of phone conversations is the way of the world these days, but a phone convo is the best way to resolve this - it can be dealt with calmly, sensitively and quickly. You don’t need to get angry with people, but just say that you’re struggling a bit with expectation that everyone always comes to you each year, and would people be open to spreading the load?

Is there one of the group you can speak with?

pigonalipstick · 12/12/2022 17:50

I think if you're two hours away and they were entertaining a couple visiting the area, I can see how you weren't invited. Doesn't read malicious

forrestgreen · 12/12/2022 17:51

A- they thought you wouldn't invite them for new years if you'd already just seen them??

B-they've excluded you for some reason

You won't know unless you discuss it with someone

pictish · 12/12/2022 17:59

I don't think it's a slight. Thoughtless at worst.