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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel left out and taken for granted. Need to get a grip!

58 replies

TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 17:06

We wanted to see close friends (3 couples) before Christmas as we have presents for them. We found out they were seeing each other at a restaurant (over 2 hours drive away) but we were not invited. We would have gone as driving isn’t a big deal for us. I phoned one friend to say we were sorry not to be joining them as it was Christmas snd we could have brought the presents. He said not to worry. When were we free after Christmas? They would all come and stay with us.

i always have them! I always do the New Year dinner! I always put them up! Whenever they come to this area we put them up and I cook! We do have space but I now feel taken for granted and excluded. DH isn’t happy either. We want to stay friends with people we have known for 45 years but it just seems that we are expected to entertain them but they book a restaurant without asking us to join them. Not sure there’s an answer but should I continue to welcome them when they want to stay? Or be a bit more unavailable?

OP posts:
Candleinajar · 12/12/2022 18:01

Did they have presents for you too op?

Ladyofthelake53 · 12/12/2022 18:18

They shouldnt assume you wouldnt drive the 2 hours they should have invited you and hiven you the choice.

Id tell them you cant do New Year this time

Original poster
TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 18:18

Yes. We always exchange presents. We feel we will go cold on New Year this year. We are actually going somewhere the next day so that’s the excuse.

I guess I just feel disappointed not to be asked before Christmas and no conversation about it. Yes, I know one couple were quite near the other two but it feels like an opportunity missed. I think we are feeling this way because we have hosted so much over the years. BBQs, parties, NY and just a bed for the night. I can see we were not in the area but there does seem to be an assumption that we host all these events and they don’t. Oh well!

OP posts:
HeleneLagonelle · 12/12/2022 18:29

It’s clearly not much of a friendship if you’re this petty and reactive about four people having a distant meal without inviting you — it’s a bit teenage to think that friends can’t ever seeing one another in varying combinations, surely. If you generally don’t enjoy having guests over NY, than by all means stop doing it, but if you generally like hosting, and are only doing this to ‘punish’ your friends for what you see as a slight, I think that’s cutting off your nose to spite your face — if you really wanted to see the other people so badly you’d have thought nothing of driving two hours for lunch, you’re surely cutting yourself off still further from the other four by refusing to host them.

Candleinajar · 12/12/2022 18:32

Next time NY comes up, just say that you actually feel a bit miffed about not being invited, it’s not a great feeling. Maybe it’s someone elses turn to host.

Sounds like you host nice parties though, they keep coming back every year.

SomeBeings · 12/12/2022 18:34

You need to speak to them and ask. Is there a reason you can't simply ask to stay with them?

Might you have been giving out the message that you like hosting.

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2022 18:35

So two live near the restaurant and one couple was in the same area. Sorry but it wouldn't have occurred for me to ring someone who lived 2 hours away to come up for the meal.

If you don't want to host then don't host. Perhaps suggest a hotel meet up.

ComfortablyDazed · 12/12/2022 18:38

Might you have been giving out the message that you like hosting.

Everyone who enjoys hosting and is good at it ‘gives out the message they like hosting’.

How does that justify - no-one else ever stepping up and reciprocating…..?

It’s unmitigated CF territory to always yes to invites, and never inviting back. No ifs, no buts. And no, having a small house isn’t good enough. Find another way to give back.

gamerchick · 12/12/2022 18:39

Just make the change OP. Tell them you would like a break from hosting for the next year and what dates would suit them for you to visit them in the new year. It's got too comfortable for them and they're taking you for granted.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/12/2022 18:45

Time to tell them how you feel. Not sure if it’s deliberate or not but I would still say something along the lines of being s bit upset at not being invited as it’s Christmas and a perfect opportunity to get together. By the way this year could we all meet at xxx( the ones near you) as we won’t be able to host

Cruisebabe1 · 12/12/2022 18:47

StickyCricket · 12/12/2022 17:16

“We’ll come to you for a change, give us some dates that suit”.

Absolutely this!!

latetothefisting · 12/12/2022 18:55

There are 2 separate issues. The restaurant thing is just miscommunication - they (reasonably) assumed you wouldn't come that far, you would have liked to have been asked. Neither party is wrong.

If you live close to one set of friends, do you ever just go out with just them, or do you always invite all 3 sets to everything?

The other issue that you are always the one to host is far enough to mention - just don't invite them this year, and next time anyone says 'are we all meeting up at any point?' say something like 'Yes, that would be great. I think we've more than covered our fair share of hosting over the last x years so who is volunteering?'

Callipygion · 12/12/2022 19:21

I don’t know why, in situations like this, people don’t just say “How come we weren’t invited? We’d have liked to have come to that!”

purpleypinkwitch · 12/12/2022 19:23

How did you find out they were meeting up? If they were trying to keep it from you that's one thing but if it was mentioned openly it was probably because they assumed it was too far. I would still feel hurt though although it's probably not personal - just circumstances. And always doing the hosting is a pain and so much hard work - I would try to avoid it this year if you can.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/12/2022 19:28

How did you find out they were all going out to dinner? I would have said at that point-‘ooh, lovely-we don’t mind driving, can we come?!’

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2022 19:30

I have to say OP if I travelled for a couple of hours to a city where friends were staying, and arranged to have lunch when I was there, absolutely no way would it occur to me to invite the other friend from my hometown that I can see any time. Most people wouldn't travel that far for a lunch. I dont think they left you out I think it's just the way things have worked out. Invite yourself along if you fancy it and see what they say

dcadmamagain · 12/12/2022 19:46

Surely one of the couples near the restaurant could have offered to put you up for the night as they are happy to be hosted by you.

I think you’re right to feel used

HeleneLagonelle · 12/12/2022 20:13

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2022 19:30

I have to say OP if I travelled for a couple of hours to a city where friends were staying, and arranged to have lunch when I was there, absolutely no way would it occur to me to invite the other friend from my hometown that I can see any time. Most people wouldn't travel that far for a lunch. I dont think they left you out I think it's just the way things have worked out. Invite yourself along if you fancy it and see what they say

Yes, exactly.

poefaced · 12/12/2022 20:15

I can see we were not in the area but there does seem to be an assumption that we host all these events and they don’t. Oh well!

Please tell me ‘Oh well’ means you will stop inviting these selfish users and not oh well, you’ll just keep being used?

Original poster
TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 23:35

Not sure what we will do.The lunch has happened. We have just been brooding about it. I just don’t think they thought about us. I do think they expect to come here. The “oh well” really means I do want to keep them as friends and we suck it up. NYE won’t be happening here though.. We’ve made that decision. Maybe we are overreacting!

We were told by one couple they were seeing the others: but they didn’t make the arrangements. They then invited themselves here. Preferably between Christmas and NY. We said we were busy. We did feel annoyed at this point. DH is a crowd pleaser. He wouldn’t ask anyone direct. He had the chance as he took the call but backed out as they were not the organizers. I guess I just wanted to see our friends before Christmas. Yes they do meet up without us. Never usually before Christmas though. Throughout the year occasionally. I suppose they saw it as no different.

We are probably going to have a measured approach to hosting things from now on. I don’t know why they won’t celebrate anything or make an effort in their homes. It’s always been a mystery. We feel that we should because we have a bigger house snd garden but maybe not so much now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TizerorFizz · 12/12/2022 23:35

Thanks for input everyone. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
SugarNspices · 13/12/2022 00:03

I think they assume you like doing the hosting. It's cheeky never to be the one to volunteer to host back though. It's all take which isn't fair. I know it's different but I feel like this with kids parties myself and a close friend always organise our kids parties and always get yes thank you we will come. Nobody in my friendship group every bothers to do their kids one all the years I've known them.

Tollumi · 13/12/2022 02:00

HeleneLagonelle · 12/12/2022 18:29

It’s clearly not much of a friendship if you’re this petty and reactive about four people having a distant meal without inviting you — it’s a bit teenage to think that friends can’t ever seeing one another in varying combinations, surely. If you generally don’t enjoy having guests over NY, than by all means stop doing it, but if you generally like hosting, and are only doing this to ‘punish’ your friends for what you see as a slight, I think that’s cutting off your nose to spite your face — if you really wanted to see the other people so badly you’d have thought nothing of driving two hours for lunch, you’re surely cutting yourself off still further from the other four by refusing to host them.

I think I agree with most of this. Hope you can work it out OP.

KSAM · 13/12/2022 02:12

So they've all popped out for lunch whilst couple 3 are in the area? I think you're being unreasonable, given they are 2 hours from you they probably didn't even think to invite you for lunch. If you were in the area I'm sure you would have been invited.

autienotnaughty · 13/12/2022 03:38

I wouldn't travel 2 hours for a meal unless it's a special occasion so wouldn't invite others either. If they were literally close by I can see how meet up occurred. Do you ever meet with the couple close to you without the others?

With regards to you hosting, if you don't enjoy it suggest someone else takes a turn. It's probably become a habit and they assume you want to.