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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say “no” and mean it

66 replies

Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 07:28

Quick backstory, my ex DH is a scout leader. My DD (14) is a scout. She is in his troop. Their is a court order in place, specifying that she goes to scouts on Tuesdays with him. However, she has started doing the gold scouts badge, which involves lots of hiking and other activities. Many of these fall on weekends that she is with me. She enjoys them, and I’ve never tried to interfere or prevent her participating. However, he says that it’s my responsibility to cover the costs which I’ve always done. And to get her to where she needs to be - again, which I’ve always done, even when it’s a couple of hours away.
I have tried saying no before, but he guilt trips me with “if you don’t, she can’t go” and I always give in, because I don’t want her to miss out
This time, there are two events coming up. One in Jan, one in Feb. I haven’t had a holiday in 3 years, and have only had one week off work in a year. I work three jobs currently (all low paid, including day times, evenings and weekends) whereas he has a high paid office job (ie 9-5 mostly WFH) Ive booked to go away for a break, due to my main job closing down for a couple of weeks, giving me the opportunity to book a couple of days off my other 2 part time jobs to get a proper break. I’ve arranged for my dog to stay with a friend, a couple of hours drive away (somewhere where she will be happy and safe).
These two events for my daughter. happen to be on the only days that I can drop off and collect my dog, as I will need to be working at both ends of my holiday. My friend is unwell, and unable to drive, or he’d bring her back for me.
The plan had been that my DD would come with me to take and pick up the dog, so I wouldn’t have been leaving her on her own, but I’m unable to accommodate doing both the dog and getting her to her activity.
So AIBU to say that if he can’t take her, then she won’t be able to go?

OP posts:
GhostBridezilla · 12/12/2022 07:31

Sometimes your daughter will have to miss things. It’s not the end of the world.

EVHead · 12/12/2022 07:31

What’s the financial arrangement between you and ex-DH?

XmasElf10 · 12/12/2022 07:33

Totally reasonable of you. Sometimes you have to do something for you that means your DD can’t do what she wants. I am a single parent of a 12yr old and sometimes we can’t do whatever she wants on the weekend because I need or want to do something else.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 07:50

EVHead · 12/12/2022 07:31

What’s the financial arrangement between you and ex-DH?

He pays the minimum child maintenance he could, based on the temporary pay cut he took during the divorce proceedings. He’s now changed his job but not what he contributes. Tbh, I’m not sure what that has to do with this question though, other than to show that he does the bare minimum that he has to to comply with the law/ court order.

OP posts:
00100001 · 12/12/2022 07:52

Why can't he get her to and from the places? Or is he just refusing to do it?

Thatiswild · 12/12/2022 07:56

The answer ultimately is if he doesn’t take her she can’t go, he’s used that line several times on you and you’ve given in. It’s his turn. If he doesn’t do it then your daughter will understand who he is.

amiold · 12/12/2022 07:59

@Flutterbybudget I'm assuming his child maintenance was agreed through court?

It only stands for 12 month. Go back to cms and get it updated on his new figures.

Beamur · 12/12/2022 08:00

Can another Scout parent take her? Surely other kids are going at the same time. My DD is in Guides and parents often share lifts.

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2022 08:03

Your right say no and mean it its not possible on this occasion

fortheloveofflowers · 12/12/2022 08:03

Just go through CMS and his pay will be reviewed every year.

Stop being bullied and say if he wants her to go then he has to take her.

Sparkletastic · 12/12/2022 08:05

She's old enough to take responsibility for asking other scout friends if their parents can give her a lift. She can tell them that her dad will cover the petrol contributions too.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 08:06

00100001 · 12/12/2022 07:52

Why can't he get her to and from the places? Or is he just refusing to do it?

As far as I am aware, there is no reason why he “can’t “ he just refuses to help out with childcare/ accommodating any requests for help in “my time” with her - that’s my problem to work out. Even if she’s sick on days that she should be with him, he won’t look after her.

OP posts:
UnsolicitedOpinions · 12/12/2022 08:08

I mean, he sounds like an absolute arsehole. It’s so important she goes to scouts with him that he gets a court order about it, but he won’t take her or pay for it??

The only thing that I think YABU about is the fact that you’ve put up with this for all this time but the only time you’re being firm and saying no is when it’s because of your dog!

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 08:09

amiold · 12/12/2022 07:59

@Flutterbybudget I'm assuming his child maintenance was agreed through court?

It only stands for 12 month. Go back to cms and get it updated on his new figures.

Child maintenance was put in the court order, at my instigation, just to get “closure” on it. It doesn’t feel right to revisit it, however tempting it might be. I suspect that he’d just change his job on a temporary basis again anyway, possibly to one where he’d have to pay less than he does currently (his new partner has a decent wage as well)

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/12/2022 08:10

YANBU if he really wants her to go he can take her on those dates can't he? He's just purposely trying to be awkward. stick to your guns.

amiold · 12/12/2022 08:10

It's up to you. Depends how much more he earns, is he likely to just take a pay cut that will drop his cms

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 08:10

Sparkletastic · 12/12/2022 08:05

She's old enough to take responsibility for asking other scout friends if their parents can give her a lift. She can tell them that her dad will cover the petrol contributions too.

Yes, I can ask other parents, (or even my brother or other relative, who would help out if necessary - but live further away) but as far as I’m concerned, my DD isn’t THEIR responsibility - she’s mine - and officially my exDHs.

OP posts:
panko · 12/12/2022 08:10

Yeah say sorry you have plans ask your dad?

piedbeauty · 12/12/2022 08:11

Sometimes kids just have to miss out on things. You sound like a great mum. Your ex, however, sounds like a right twat. And he's a scout leader?! Wonderful.

You carry on with your plans. You should come first for once.

What happens if dd wants to give up scouts? If she's 14, her wishes will be taken into consideration.

2pinkginsplease · 12/12/2022 08:13

So the court order states she goes to scouts with her dad but you have to do the running about and fund everything?

surely if he wants her to go then that’s his duty to do the running about and the paying?

id just say no.

Morechocmorechoc · 12/12/2022 08:14

I'm sorry but why are you working 3 jobs but won't bother to get him to pay his share. He won't lose a decent job to avoid CMS. Just get it done along with stop being bullied on the scout stuff. You're doing this to yourself by letting him manipulate you and extort you

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 08:15

UnsolicitedOpinions · 12/12/2022 08:08

I mean, he sounds like an absolute arsehole. It’s so important she goes to scouts with him that he gets a court order about it, but he won’t take her or pay for it??

The only thing that I think YABU about is the fact that you’ve put up with this for all this time but the only time you’re being firm and saying no is when it’s because of your dog!

The court order works when he wants it to - the days he asked for (and were given) are the days that I wasn’t working late at the time, I had to change my job to accommodate them, or I would have not had any time with my DD (she was 8 at the time). He refused point blank to make his days the ones that worked around my job, and the court said that he couldn’t be forced top have her if he didn’t want to. 😞
Ie he takes no responsibility when she’s not with him, but is equally likely to change it when it suits, such as if he decides that he’s going away, or his partner has a headache, or my DD is unwell or they have better plans - in which case I’m expected to drop everything to work things out. It’s one of the things that is really getting me down, and why I need this break so badly.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2022 08:16

Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 08:10

Yes, I can ask other parents, (or even my brother or other relative, who would help out if necessary - but live further away) but as far as I’m concerned, my DD isn’t THEIR responsibility - she’s mine - and officially my exDHs.

Show quote history

Ignoring the fact your ex-H is clearly an arsehole. Plenty of parents lift share or ask for favours, it's not a bad thing. Yes, our children are our responsibility but it's ok to ask for help now and again. It takes a village etc.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 08:16

2pinkginsplease · 12/12/2022 08:13

So the court order states she goes to scouts with her dad but you have to do the running about and fund everything?

surely if he wants her to go then that’s his duty to do the running about and the paying?

id just say no.

That’s my argument, but she loves going, and it’s been either “I” pay and do the running, or she can’t do it.
I know I need to put my foot down, but he makes it seem like it’s my fault
ffs, I’m crying again now

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2022 08:18

Also, why are you not taking holiday time? You don't have to be going away anywhere to take a couple of days off, and you're entitled to holiday pay even if you're on a zero hour contract (you don't say what kind of employment you have, unless I missed that).