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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say “no” and mean it

66 replies

Flutterbybudget · 12/12/2022 07:28

Quick backstory, my ex DH is a scout leader. My DD (14) is a scout. She is in his troop. Their is a court order in place, specifying that she goes to scouts on Tuesdays with him. However, she has started doing the gold scouts badge, which involves lots of hiking and other activities. Many of these fall on weekends that she is with me. She enjoys them, and I’ve never tried to interfere or prevent her participating. However, he says that it’s my responsibility to cover the costs which I’ve always done. And to get her to where she needs to be - again, which I’ve always done, even when it’s a couple of hours away.
I have tried saying no before, but he guilt trips me with “if you don’t, she can’t go” and I always give in, because I don’t want her to miss out
This time, there are two events coming up. One in Jan, one in Feb. I haven’t had a holiday in 3 years, and have only had one week off work in a year. I work three jobs currently (all low paid, including day times, evenings and weekends) whereas he has a high paid office job (ie 9-5 mostly WFH) Ive booked to go away for a break, due to my main job closing down for a couple of weeks, giving me the opportunity to book a couple of days off my other 2 part time jobs to get a proper break. I’ve arranged for my dog to stay with a friend, a couple of hours drive away (somewhere where she will be happy and safe).
These two events for my daughter. happen to be on the only days that I can drop off and collect my dog, as I will need to be working at both ends of my holiday. My friend is unwell, and unable to drive, or he’d bring her back for me.
The plan had been that my DD would come with me to take and pick up the dog, so I wouldn’t have been leaving her on her own, but I’m unable to accommodate doing both the dog and getting her to her activity.
So AIBU to say that if he can’t take her, then she won’t be able to go?

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 12/12/2022 18:36

I am sure your daughter is old enough to understand that you need this wee holiday.
I am also sure she is old enough to understand that her father is refusing to accommodate her transport for this one occasion.
Maybe it is time she saw him for what he is.
And honestly.... go thru cms... every time he changes a job....
Because one day she will see that for what it is too.
Another disappointing father....

petalsandstars · 12/12/2022 18:46

I imagine you’re reluctant to ask another scout parent for help because exH will hit the roof about being “shown up” as not taking his own daughter.

KnickerlessParsons · 13/12/2022 11:07

Ignore your useless exDH - he is who he is, and you know he's not going to change. It's not fair, but life isn't fair. You need to get on with your life and plan as if he wasn't around at all in situations like the one you describe.

Separately, you can take measures to try to stop this type of ridiculousness from him by going back to court or mediation in other ways. But until you've managed to sort out a new agreement, you need to make plans around being the only responsible adult in DD's life.

Christmasnero · 13/12/2022 11:12

Scouts is part of his time and his request
so I’d view everything that comes along with that to be his job too
hes lucky you’ve done this much

poetryandwine · 13/12/2022 11:58

OP,

I get that your ex is an utter arse and you are understandably stressed. I will come back to that.

But I do think that this has got you overly invested in the idea that you can’t ask anyone else for the small favour of giving her a ride. TBH you remind me of my own mum when I was your DD’s age. DF was travelling a lot for work and it is obvious in retrospect that my parents’ marriage was stressed. When home alone with her DC, my mother would sometimes refuse me permission to go out with my friends of an evening because, she claimed, she could not give her share of rides.

(Never mind that IMO there were ways she could have).

My friends’ parents absolutely did not care and were happy to give me rides under the circs. This was the beginning of a lifelong complicated relationship with my mother.

You have told us how much your DD loves Scouts. Do you want to be that parent?

As far as your arse of an ex is concerned, I also doubt he will take a lower paying job just to keep his CMS low. Especially now he us partnered. And given that you have a court imposed schedule, how is he refusing to have your DD when it does not suit him for trivial reasons? Does that not require your agreement? If he won’t cooperate with you, you are a mug to cooperate with him. I know there is always a worry that if you don’t the DC will suffer, but in practice the ex is often trying it on and this does not happen. As PP have said, if he treats your DD badly she is now old enough to tell the court she wants less time with him, and why. Which means more CM for you.

Best wishes

pictish · 13/12/2022 12:11

No useful advice to impart but just wanted to chip in and say what an absolute fucking arsehole he is. A poor excuse for a father, a selfish, peevish, small man.
You must want to slap him silly.

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2022 12:15

Your poor daughter what an arsehole he Is. I know it's petty and unfair but I would pass all scout things over to her dad and he gets to decide.

OhamIreally · 13/12/2022 16:22

Can I clarify whether the court order specified that you had to do all the drop offs and pick ups for scouts or merely that you "facilitate it" ie make her available?

So it's your ex that wants her there but because it's on your time you have to do it according to him.

I think you need to drop the rope frankly. I know you don't want to because you're doing it for your DD not him and that's what this absolute arsehole is counting on.

Finally get thee to the CMS they will check his earnings with HMRC and it will update what he has to pay. Do you think her mother working herself into an early grave is what your daughter needs? NO.

If you can't put yourself first consider how all this impacts on your daughter- much more than missing a few hikes in the long term.

Original poster

Flutterbybudget · 13/12/2022 19:34

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2022 12:15

Your poor daughter what an arsehole he Is. I know it's petty and unfair but I would pass all scout things over to her dad and he gets to decide.

That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I’ve repeatedly told him that my involvement ends with deciding whether she will be available when she is with me, but everything else is over to him to work out. He just ignores me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flutterbybudget · 13/12/2022 19:42

OhamIreally · 13/12/2022 16:22

Can I clarify whether the court order specified that you had to do all the drop offs and pick ups for scouts or merely that you "facilitate it" ie make her available?

So it's your ex that wants her there but because it's on your time you have to do it according to him.

I think you need to drop the rope frankly. I know you don't want to because you're doing it for your DD not him and that's what this absolute arsehole is counting on.

Finally get thee to the CMS they will check his earnings with HMRC and it will update what he has to pay. Do you think her mother working herself into an early grave is what your daughter needs? NO.

If you can't put yourself first consider how all this impacts on your daughter- much more than missing a few hikes in the long term.

I know that that’s what he’s counting on. He keeps saying things like “you (that’s me) need to accept that it’s DDs activity, not mine (his) and therefore you (me) need to pay for it/ get her there, or she will miss out”.
And the fact is, that I’m a doormat when it comes to any of my kids. They come first, rightly or wrongly, in everything I do.

The court order simply states the days that she is to be with her dad, eg
Tuesday from 7-9.30 for scouts
Thursday after school until 7.30
Alternate weekends in term time
School holidays to be split 50/50

in reality. That equates to 4 weeks of the year in school holidays.
Tuesdays when scouts is on and he’s going (tonight he’s not going, so not taking her - she decided that she didn’t want to go to the Carol service, so I’m not forcing her)
Thursdays to the dot, only during term time, as she can’t go”after school” unless she’s in school, can she? 🙄

I was really hoping that things would get easier as she got older, but they just don’t. I wanted to change the time she came back, to reflect her age (she was 8 when it was written, and her bedtime was 7.30) but he won’t hear of it, so she still comes back at 7.30 despite not going to bed until a couple of hours later.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2022 19:46

You might need to let her miss out I know that is unfair but at 14 she is old enough to contact her dad about all things scout.

I bet your ex is one of those "good bloke" types that everyone loves.

limoncello23 · 13/12/2022 19:53

The bland, doesn't give a shit any more approach would be to ask another parent to take her as a favour. If they ask why your exDH can't take her, just say that he said he couldn't. You can offer to return the favour at a future date. If there's no one, then she can't go.

The real question here is are you being unreasonable to think that your exDH is a poor excuse for a parent, and the answer is no, not at all unreasonable.

Original poster

Flutterbybudget · 13/12/2022 19:55

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2022 19:46

You might need to let her miss out I know that is unfair but at 14 she is old enough to contact her dad about all things scout.

I bet your ex is one of those "good bloke" types that everyone loves.

That would be the one
The one who was the rugby team manager, and football team manager, because he liked football and rugby. But wouldn’t go to ever watch his other kids at tennis or whatever they were doing, because those activities didn’t interest him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flutterbybudget · 13/12/2022 19:57

limoncello23 · 13/12/2022 19:53

The real question here is are you being unreasonable to think that your exDH is a poor excuse for a parent, and the answer is no, not at all unreasonable.

I think I’ve been gaslighted for so long, I need constant reassurance that it’s not me, and that I’m not being unreasonable, when for 20+ years, everything was always my fault. It’s draining, questioning myself all the time.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2022 19:58

Bet he winds you right up bet even his face bother you !

Original poster

Flutterbybudget · 13/12/2022 22:02

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2022 19:58

Bet he winds you right up bet even his face bother you !

It does actually
Not been in a room with him since final court hearing a few years ago. Walked past him twice since then, and I had a panic attack 😞
I’m dreading the future when we will have to meet up for “special” occasions.
I genuinely don’t think I can do it
Not even for my kids
And I’d literally die for th

OP posts:

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