To ask my sister if she’d got something that is missing

[BellaVida101]

I live with my mother who is very ill. In the last few years a lot of things have gone missing from the house. One of them is an ornament of mine that I have literally since seen on my sister’s bookcase. She also took a number of our late father’s ornaments which my mother wasn’t too pleased about. Neither of us have asked for these back; seemed easier to let it go.

Today I went looking for a wooden stool that I’ve had since childhood. My mother wanted it. I said it wasn’t where I thought it was and my mother suggested I email my sister to ask (context: my mother did previously ask my sister to return some family photos which she did).

I sent a fairly balanced email asking if she’d by any chance it, and if she had, could I have it back? (I know I probably should have just asked if she’d seen it but tbh I thought she’d see that as passive aggressive). A friend has reviewed the email and said it was polite and reasonable.

Her response - “as you feel so confident in accusing me of theft, why don’t you call the police? I expect an unreserved apology from you”

I wrote back and apologised and said I wasn’t intending to accuse her of theft. In all honesty I wouldn’t have viewed it as “theft” - it was a family-owned item that she might have had and I wouldn’t have viewed it as stealing. And I’d already written off some of my other things that were in her house, as had our mother.

AIBU? What can I do to smooth it over? She, obviously, matters more to me than stuff does, and I wish I hadn’t said anything .

She's a thief and doesn't like being called out.

Don't apologise. Get the stuff back.

She's the one who should be apologising, not you.

She sounds like she constantly manipulates you and your mother.

Do. Not. Apologise.

You’ve got nothing to apologise for and no need to “smooth over” such a ridiculous overreaction on her part.

Attack is the best form of defence. She's taken it and made you apologise!

This is a weird dynamic OP

She has stolen stuff
She has blown up over a polite email

And you're worried about upsetting her?

Ignore the thief aspersion.

mask politely for the stool to be returned, along with the other items that you knows he has.

dear sister
the stool and lots of my childhood things have gone missing such as this, this and this. Please return them as soon as possible. They are sentimental items and you might not have realised this - but given that you are the only other person with access you must have removed them. I don’t want to fall out with you but the situation is upsetting for me - so please just return them

if she refused call her bluff and call the police

Now that she knows you have noticed it will probably stop so don't use a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Given the reaction to a very simple question from me, I don’t think there’s much point pursuing that line of request. She has a hell of a temper and am scared.

Why are you scared? What do you think she will do?

I'd open up a conversation about you still living at home while she has moved out. I suppose with your Dad gone and your Mum ill, your sister probably expects that you will appropriate the family home as your own home when your mum goes (no idea if this is a long term illness or just a cold, so apologies if it's something she'll bounce back from)
But from your sister's pov, are you going to be the proprietor of all of your joint childhood family possessions. Is that something that you'd be really insouciant about if it were the othe way around? honestly?

"AIBU? What can I do to smooth it over? She, obviously, matters more to me than stuff does, and I wish I hadn’t said anything ."

FFS, grow a spine, woman! This handwringing attitude of yours is why she keeps taking your and your mother's belongings. She'll keep upping the stakes until you stop being her doormat. Tell her you want all the items back pronto.

Not convinced it will stop! I just don’t want to deal with more anger.

Spare key? Go round and retrieve all stolen items.

Then post her key.

This wasn’t a joint possession. We each had a stool, and one was mine. I know she knows what am referring to, as she has hers - I’ve seen her one in her house. But it’s more the reaction I’m upset about. I don’t need the damned stool.

My mother’s possessions are her concern - she made the decision to turn a blind eye. If someone asked me if I had something and I didn’t I’d probably write back and say “no, sorry, not seen it”.

My mother is terminally ill. She has offered me the the family home several times and I have repeatedly refused. It will be divided equally. I wouldn’t dream of appropriating .

If I were you I'd be taking home anything that was/is mine before it disappears.

Your sister definitely has it, I’d just go over unannounced and look, she’s not exactly going to let this go and you’ve got nothing to apologise for or lose at this point, so why not?

Why is your mother offering you the family home when you have a sister. Would it be fair to say there might be a history of some favoritism, and perhaps your sister feels she will be left out of any inheritance?

I honestly don’t need the stool

@BellaVida101 No you don’t need the stool but neither does she and it’s not hers!

Guilty conscience.

Well dont ask her for it then. Its you that started the thread.

It’s really quite annoying isn’t it when it’s something so small and probably worthless to anyone other than the person who loves it

I have an older sister and all of my childhood toys were stored in my parents loft. Because of the age difference when she had children - I was still in my teens - she took all of my toys for her children. I can remember her doing it and I was a bit on the fence back then too, as I knew that I wanted them for my future children. I had looked after all of them, anything that was a set was complete. All perfect condition - I was such a careful child. When I asked for them back when I had children she completely denied having them and stated she has no idea where they went, claims that my mother must have thrown them out.

Both me and my mother know took them - there is literally nowhere else they could have gone. My mother only moved house a few years ago, around 15 years after she had taken the toys. My sister is an absolute hoarder, her loft is totally stacked out and I’ve absolutely no doubt she still has them. One in particular she claims she has but that it’s not mine, that she bought the same one from a selling site because she can remember mine from when I was younger

Lots of them now are quite valuable - think 80s vintage stuff - but it’s not the value - I’d literally never part with them. I would have loved to have seen my daughter play with mummy’s old toys. My sisters children are now all adults.

Accept the house next time your mother asks. Your sister sounds like my siblings. Grabby, spiteful and selfish. You don't need her.

Has your mother a legal will OP? If not, you need to sort this out ASAP.

My sister kept doing the same thing....when asked where things had gone she said she had taken them for safe keeping.
Other family members commented (behind her back)that it wasnt her place to take stuff without discussing it first.

After our mothers death I enquired about sharing the items equally between all siblings.Sit together and see who would like what.
Sister ignored my message and drove round family members houses with a boot full of stuff to say take what you like...(some not close family)

Only when she had finished did she message me and say already done.
I was sent a picture of a couple of items that were fit for the bin.
She likes a power trip,I told her what I thought of her and havent spoken since.

What hurts me most is all those that were offered actually took...instead of saying no this isnt the right way to do it.