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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendship Group

72 replies

Lostforwords7 · 10/12/2022 17:58

My DH and I are part of a group of 8, but feel 2 of the group, husband and wife and cutting us out of things and using another group chat to make arrangements with the others without us. We also have another set of friends, who are mutual friends of the 2, and they recently told us that they were asked not to invite us etc to things. We are so hurt and atm angry by this, that so far, we haven’t confronted them. DH wants to just walk away, but then it would mean not doing things with the others. I think I ‘know’ what I should do, but it hurts so much.

OP posts:
WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 11/12/2022 19:05

I would confront the husband and wife and find out what their problem is, has there been any conflict or upset? Have you heard from any of the others?
I don’t know why but some people randomly change, it’s shit.

MrsMyfanwy · 11/12/2022 19:11

God I hate people who do this, they completely ruin things and make everyone feel awkward
It's like a slow burn
, you don't notice at first, then you can't unsee it
I hope you and your husband are OK though, shitty behaviour from them

chopc · 11/12/2022 19:28

If the others follow suit you will find out what kind of friends they were in the first place. However, I think I would confront them as you would need to find out what they are saying about you to others. Did you ask the couple who told you?

XanaduKira · 11/12/2022 19:51

I agree with @chopc

Newbaby1234 · 11/12/2022 19:53

I'd ask the person / couple who told you, why these other people have said to exclude you?

StickyCricket · 11/12/2022 19:55

This couple who told you about them, did they elaborate on why they were asked to cut you out? Did they tell this couple that no, they won’t exclude you?

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 11/12/2022 23:16

Thanks all. I did ask those involved and was told to ‘speak to them’, feel there is a very weird dynamic going on. I can honestly say, we have done nothing, so not sure what is going on.

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Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 11/12/2022 23:18

And no, they didn’t say no, they did exclude us and only recently decided to apologise for doing so.

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MoaningMyrtle202 · 11/12/2022 23:18

If I tried to do this shit my friends would rightly tell me to F off and stop being so spiteful. Why aren’t your friends doing the same?

JoyBeorge · 11/12/2022 23:31

So clearly something is going on if the mutual friends told you to ask them yourself. I think I'd be doing that because the dynamic has obviously changed and the friendship group will never be the same ever again now anyway. You don't really have anything to lose by asking them what their problem is before walking away from the group. At least that way you won't be left forever wondering.

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 12/12/2022 11:13

This couple have two friendship groups that we get along with and we’re being invited out to things with both groups, three years ago, we moved house and invited two friends to pop in to see our new house, the husband and wife were away at the time, so would of course included them. I then received a very rude message from the wife saying that she hopes we enjoyed our ‘do’ the other day, as she had tracked our other friend via Find My Phone. I responded that it wasn’t a ‘do’ they had merely popped in for a nose, and had they been around, they would have been included, as that is not my style to exclude people, more the merrier I say. This is the only thing I can think of, as since then, they have been really shady with us, booking holidays together, on dates they know we cannot go and ‘inviting’ us last minute to things. Feel all the others allow them to control the narrative, ie they arrange things, book etc and just go along with it.

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Igglepiggleslittletoe · 12/12/2022 11:16

If shes tracking friends on find my phone she is a bit addled in the head quite frankly. That is so so strange. Stalkery.

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 12/12/2022 11:30

Glad it isn’t just me thinking that 💁‍♀️ One of our mutual friends was out with us last week and was worrying that she would track her and asked if she tracks me, which she doesn’t, but edge was still worried that they would find out. I said to her ‘you know this isn’t right’ and she agreed, but continues to want to be part of it. I suppose nothing has been said or done to her, but she is fully aware how they operate. I just feel so sad, as we have known them all years, and we get on really well with everyone else, well, we got in with this couple until we realised what they were doing.

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SomeUnspokenThing · 12/12/2022 11:31

Why the heck do they share their location with her and allow the tracking??? (I confess I don't know how this works......)

NotSorry · 12/12/2022 11:45

They sound unhinged - tracking your friends WTAF? 😱

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 12/12/2022 12:04

It is honestly a control thing, and for whatever reason, they are allowing themselves to be controlled for fear of falling out with them

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girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 12:07

It sounds like you're better off away from this batshit dynamic.

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 12/12/2022 12:20

Agree! Such a shame, as have such good fun with all the others 🥲

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Mary46 · 12/12/2022 12:29

You best away from this crap op but I agree not nice behaviour from her. It is teen behaviour isnt it!!

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 12/12/2022 12:42

I wouldn’t mind, but she classes herself as ‘kind’ and has ‘never fallen out with anyone’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ Her husband is even worse, a complete control freak who cannot take onboard anyone else’s opinion or way of doing things. When we all go out she has the kitty purse and then sends message the next day as to how much we all owe, done to the last penny. I just feel she has changed so much, and always try and see the best in people, and think that it could be menopause etc, but no, think we have just seen their true colours. If it wasn’t so close to home, it would be a psychologists dream, a big group of professional adults, following like sheep to stay in a click.

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XanaduKira · 12/12/2022 13:35

That's rotten Op, but sounds like you're best out of it. Tracking your friends is not normal behaviour at all!

I know you don't want to lose your other friends, but I'd either be looking for new friends altogether or calling these ones out publicly on their behaviour as it's not going to get better, so you may as well address it.

This can't be good for your mental health!

Mamette · 12/12/2022 13:48

I’d have to ask them in front of everyone else in the group why they were telling people to exclude you.

Probably more just to see them squirm than with a view to resolving things.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who tracks people’s phones, absolutely bonkers behaviour.

If you bring it all out into the open and ask in front of everyone then maybe you can salvage some sort of relationships with the more reasonable group members 🤷‍♀️

I would imagine they have told the others some BS reason that they won’t be able to defend if it’s all out in the open.

girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 13:52

If you bring it all out into the open and ask in front of everyone then maybe you can salvage some sort of relationships with the more reasonable group members

The other group members were happy to drop OP and her husband. They're not friends.

Pheasantplucker2 · 12/12/2022 13:58

Make your own arrangements with the mutual friends that you do get on with - if you want to still see them. Do not invite the batshit couple.

If they have the temerity to ask you why just tell them that you thought they didn't like you anymore as you'd heard from x and y that they had been told to exclude you. You don't want to play games and certainly don't want to thrust yourselves where you're not welcome.

And branch out with your social group - find new friends!

It's hard when someone you thought was a friend turns out not to be, but best to move on rather than flogging a dead horse. There's no nice way forward for you as friends and rather than them being in control of when and how you get faded out, take control yourselves.

Original poster
Lostforwords7 · 12/12/2022 14:06

Agree with you all and so glad you all think they are weird. I have been gaslighting myself over it all, as really couldn’t believe that grown adults would act this way. We are all supposed to be going out on Monday, but DH flatly refuses to go now, which I completely understand. However, that is probably what they want to achieve, and will happily spend the evening with the others, whilst we miss out. Admittedly, we are hardly missing out, but you get what I mean. The next time we are supposed to be seeing them all is NYE, and not sure that would be an appropriate time to raise it in front of everyone.

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