Friendship Group

[Lostforwords7]

My DH and I are part of a group of 8, but feel 2 of the group, husband and wife and cutting us out of things and using another group chat to make arrangements with the others without us. We also have another set of friends, who are mutual friends of the 2, and they recently told us that they were asked not to invite us etc to things. We are so hurt and atm angry by this, that so far, we haven’t confronted them. DH wants to just walk away, but then it would mean not doing things with the others. I think I ‘know’ what I should do, but it hurts so much.

Yeah thanks @girlmom21 , my post was directed to the OP and took into account some of the OP’s concerns which you can also read if you scroll to their posts.

@Mamette yeah because the OP is still willing to let the others treat her like crap because she hasn't found her anger and doesn't want to lose her friends. That doesn't mean we need to encourage her to put up with it.

I'm not sure this is a salvageable situation,in my experience. These behaviours come from a place of deep-seated insecurity and that includes the followers not just the self appointed leaders in the group.

The couple manipulating everyone else are probably highly threatened by you in some way which is ironic in that being excluded from the group feels so awful for you. They want you out and are influential enough with the rest of the pack for them to go along with it which doesn't indicate a lot of loyalty towards you.

The followers are probably fearful of being turned on and ousted themselves so are unlikely to defend you in a confrontation. A healthy group wouldn't indulge this crap. Do you really want to be part of this? Will you ever trust them not to do this again?

Btw, a 'friendship' group ousted me in similar circumstances, last I heard the group had imploded, probably run out of people to get rid of!

This sounds like the opposite of a friendship group. It seems more like a cult to me where people can see where the others are by their 'phones. That is not what friends do

These people ALL sound nuts
Forget them there are much better folk out there to spend time with

Does the other friend know they were being tracked? That's absolutely nuts and I'd be dropping any friend who tracked me like a stone. That's really an invasion of privacy.

I'd concentrate on inviting the friends you do like out and ignore the others.

I've always been a little bit bemused by adult friendships that are always in groups. It seems quite a young approach to having friends. However I freely admit to being pretty unsociable and would always rather prefer the company of 1 or 2 good friends rather than a larger group.

I think I am going to say nothing, but gradually withdraw from things. I hate confrontation, and that is probably why I have allowed this to go on for so long and let it fester. If any of the others ask me why, including the guilty 2, I may just politely say that things have be brought to our attention that we are not really wanted or included and feel it is best to leave it at that.

Yes, she knows she is being tracked, hence why she got so nervous being out with us, in case they ‘found out’

That's insane! Honestly I'd be choosing to distance myself pretty rapidly regardless of being left out. It sounds far too intense.

No… “we” can say what we like depending on our own experiences/ world view.

Dont try to police other posters, it’s not your place.

If I thought my "friend" was spying on my location id be fuming. Do none of the others see this as controlling and fucked up? I'd be switching my location off!

Better still, arrange a coffee with the other females and let her seethe..... 😂 But I'm pathetic like that.

I never forced mine to eat. I still let her go without eating at 6 because I decide when I eat and wouldn't want to be forced, so why would she? She's learning about food and I don't want her to learn it's something that's forced. I did baby-led weaning and let her wean of BM slowly too. I just took her lead and she is very healthy today.

Cool, just encourage people to have toxic relationships @Mamette. That's your prerogative...

Turn the tables. Tell everyone you and your DP are have decided her “friend”s stalking behaviour makes you both very uncomfortable and you’re not willing to spend time with them, but will happily stay friends with the others. Then that will get back to them.

If your group chooses them over you two, they have no backbones.

That really is psycho behaviour, but I think you know that anyway. I hope you find the courage to remove yourself from this and find a healthier dynamic. The wire sounds like a complete arsehole with serious borderline stalker habits and the husband sounds like he deserves every inch of her. Teaching people to find out who they have been visiting then having a hissy fit because they weren't consulted? What the actual fuck? Why isn't she being reported for stalking?

Wife and tracking obviously

OP don't give up on friendships that you value. Why give that mean couple the power to deny you friendships that you enjoy?

I'd confront the couple that's caused the trouble and see if it can be fixed. Probably not. And if so - invite the others round, make arrangements with them. Fight for friendships that you want in your life.

I think this is good.

I slightly wish for your own sake that you'd turn the assertiveness up a notch and make sure you let mutual friends know why you're withdrawing.
Otherwise control-freak couple get to set the narrative

Maybe take a break from MN, have a snack and a little lie down.

Unless you’re SUPER close with the other couples, I would walk away from this whole friendship group.

It sounds utterly mental.

I don’t think I have ‘fallen out’ with a friend since school - do adults really do this??

Sounds totally dysfunctional op and not good for mental health. I don't think I could accept the other friends in the group going along with the toxic control couple, why do you think they do? Are the couple very high powered and wealthy?

I've heard something similar unfold, a friend was excluded from her nct group gradually over the years and she said the couple doing it were almost buying the friendship of the other couples in the group. The other couples appeared to be willing participants though! They were / still are a local power couple in our local area, very wealthy, always hosting parties and events, huge Sunday lunches or bbq's and my friend felt the other adults had fomo. The couple tagged everyone in pics on their social media which they had set to public, that's how they made sure my friend knew she was being excluded. The other adults in the group fawned over them and even filtered down to their kids being the popular kids. At school most of the mums wanted their dc to be friends with the wealthy couple's dc, they held epic playdates, parties, had a swimming pool and bought v expensive bday gifts if their dc were invited to a child's birthday party. I couldn't get over grown adults being so shallow, we live in a bit of a bubble round here though in a rather mc large village, it's very nice but the posh areas are a bit stepford wives. I don't live in the posh area but my friend does and so do most of the couples. We both grew up here, were friends as teens and both moved back here after having dc. She had kids a couple of years before me and formed this friendship group through nct classes. She had / has other friends which the power couple didn't seem to like, she says she regrets being friends with them all now because they all put such shallow things above a friend.

I'm just curious really op if the couple freezing you out are wealthy, popular etc? Seems grown adults still act like children unfortunately

Confused as to why grown adults are allowing other people to track them on mobiles - adjust your settings FFS

@Ivyy the exact same happened to friends of mine (school mum friends) & whilst I've seen the mum crying over the wealthy friend's behaviour, she still goes running at the first sign of an invitation to one of their parties. It's crazy seeing such 'mean girl' behaviour in adults and it's worse that it's now also exactly how the 3 daughters of the wealthy couple also behave.

If you're in the West Midlands, then I wonder if it's the same wealthy couple although sadly I imagine there are more than a few people around who behave so badly.

No, they are not super wealthy , we all are from similar backgrounds etc. I do feel they think they are ‘Mr & Mrs King/Queen Bee’ though and give off this party loving image, when in fact, they are actually the complete opposite and want control of everything. If anyone else within the group tries to arrange things, it is met with negativity. Example of this is, my DH and I recently celebrated our 25th Wedding anniversary and had a party for all our friends and family, something which was out of their control, they subsequently didn’t turn up, saying they were ill.

Sounds like Anne-Amanda dynamic. Always thought Motherland characters were super ridiculous, but seems like they do exist in real life!