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Original poster

To be petrified of death

119 replies

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 10/12/2022 12:32

I don't know if this belongs in aibu, I seem to have got a real thing/maybe towards a phobia type of thing about dying, I know I will die at some point but it's becoming a issue, keeping me up at night panicky and taking a lot of my thoughts, I feel like I don't understand ( I do) that everything will be normal one minute then it will change and I'll know nothing more, I won't see anyone again or do anything again when that happens, I obviously do understand this WILL happen but I'm having so much anxiety around it, I'm in 30s so its 'probably' not even soon if nothing happens/illness etc but it's really domineering my thoughts for last couple of months and getting worse, I think ( and hope) when it happens I just won't know anything about it but I find it overwhelming to think everything is gone in that moment, I'll never know anything again, if my brain ceases to work then I'll never have the capacity to know, for example, what my kids upto, it sounds so silly but I just struggling to comprehend it will just be blackness, like under general anaesthesic but don't come back around, I'm not religious really so don't have faith to fall back on or think about, does anyone else think it's crazy and scary that one minute in the future you'll just be no more and you don't know when, I just find it hard to comprehend and wonder if I'm the only one

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 10/12/2022 18:03

thenightsky · 10/12/2022 12:38

Not in my case. Now I've hit my 60s I lay awake at night fretting and getting upset at the thought I've probably only got 20 years left Sad

Show quote history

That's a third of your life to enjoy

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 10/12/2022 18:05

You've probably got another 50 years left! Are you depressed? Do you worry about things generally?

I'm 63, was very close to death, 16 months ago. I was in an induced coma, on a life-support system, and had a stroke at the same time. I was like that for 2 weeks, then had to re-learn every single thing. 5 months later, I was back to normal, more or less. Driving, going out with family, doing everything around the house, etc.

Life is for living. Don't waste yours by worrying about things so very far ahead. Perhaps see your GP and tell them.

BMW6 · 10/12/2022 18:06

OP every night when you go to sleep you cease to be. Dreams only last for seconds, most of the time you are just NOT.

You only know that you have been asleep because you have woken up.

Death is one of two things

  1. Sleep when you are not dreaming, for eternity, just like in the billions of years before you were created. You are no more. NOTHING can hurt or harm you, because you no longer exist.
Or
  1. There is some form of conscious existence beyond bodily death. A higher plane perhaps. A continuation of ego.

If 1. Is the correct answer to what is death you won't be disappointed. There is no You to feel it.

Where does your Self go when you are asleep and not dreaming? That is death, and you do it every night of your life. You have died thousands of times already.

MyOtherCarIsAHearse · 10/12/2022 18:11

You’re right, OP. You will die.

And it is precisely this reason why you need to stop wasting the precious time you DO have here alive.

OnionBudgie · 10/12/2022 18:16

Redebs · 10/12/2022 17:44

@OnionBudgie glad you found a book that consoled you, but it's not for everyone

I didn't say it consoled me, because I read it out of interest. What it did was fascinate me, and answer my questions. Can't ask more than that. There are so many people on this thread panicking and upset about the concept of death, and this book could well help them, so no need to whap the hammer on it when I doubt that you've even read it.

Facecream · 10/12/2022 18:25

I recognise this fear OP - sort of had it in late teens/early twenties.
Like another poster I came very very close to dying and honestly I just felt tired (it was from blood loss and because of a placental abruption) so lots of the things before were terrifying but as I started to fade I felt fine. Calm, curious about whether I’d know or it would just go black but absolutely not afraid.
I think death is worse for the observers rather than the person dying.
Dont know if that helps at all

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/12/2022 18:35

Not saying death is not scary, mostly though its the means of dying that we fear, rather than the (very dead) outcome. If it is any comfort, I am seventy, have had a fulfilling and even exciting life and I kind of look forward to death - a forever sleep. Of course I don't want to leave my dear friends and family who love me and need me, but a lovely long kip is quite enticing. We did not exist for millions of years and then we are here for a bit and go back to not existing. There is some saying on the meaning of life - we are born, we suffer and we die. You will be OK OP but I would look into generalised anxiety disorder and of course, death is a good place for your anxiety to land. I would see your GP and maybe get some treatment for anxiety and stop worrying about death until you are a creaky old thing.

TarasHarp55 · 10/12/2022 18:36

RedHelenB · 10/12/2022 12:33

If its any consolation the older you get the less you care about dying.

Not in my case. When I was young never gave it a thought. Now I'm older it pops into my mind regularly. ☹️

Clarich007 · 10/12/2022 19:26

Funny, I was talking to my husband about this a few days ago. He is 73, i'm nearly 72, both fit at the moment.
We have a new born in the family and both said we probably won't see her grow up, which is really sad.
The thing I also think about is all the knowledge and talent that we all have is suddenly gone.. What's that all about? .I'm in two minds about age and not fearing death. It's a lot closer than it was of course and I don't want to die, but on the other hand I have had a long happy life.
Goof luck, hope you can find peace about all this. Sorry to hear about your Dad.

Woahtherehoney · 10/12/2022 19:32

my Nan when she was alive looked really forward to dying - I know that sounds weird but she was just so fed up that she didn’t have much quality of life due to her health conditions and she was in lots of pain. I used to ask her if she was scared of dying and she said no, as it’s the one thing in life she can be 1000% certain of and actually it’s the things you can’t be certain about you should be scared of.

I live by that advice now - not to be scared of everything obviously but to fear the unknown slightly rather than the known. I’m not scared of dying as I know it will happen so why be scared of what’s for certain? I don’t know if that will help or not but it helps me.

Figmentofmyimagination · 10/12/2022 19:37

It is impossible for us genuinely to grasp the idea of not existing. It’s the price we pay for being able to plan and imagine and influence others. It’s why we were driven to invent religions - all the great religions are preoccupied with reconciling ourselves to our own mortality but it is in fact impossible to do this. It sounds superficial but you need to gradually learn to try to change the subject in your head.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/12/2022 19:38

This thread is very interesting. I often get awful moments of panic about death. Sometimes it's prompted by actual personal loss - when my DF died, I couldn't get my head around him not 'being' here & the way life has moved on but he's not part of it; sometimes it's by events unconnected to me, like sudden tragic deaths.

I am a single parent & most often my fear is not being here for my kids. The last 20 years have flown by, I mean I feel some events only took place yesterday! & I worry about the next 20 being the same.

Fortunately I'm busy & that distracts me; I also agree that exercise helps. I think I would also feel better if I was able to live in the moment a bit more - I have so much I want to do & I keep saying 'when x happens' 'when the kids are older' 'when I've more money' and so on.

ryantubridysthumb · 10/12/2022 19:39

I figure that it's going to happen whether I'm frightened or not so better not to waste time being frightened.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/12/2022 19:42

Oh and I used to find my faith comforting (Catholic). However, when my DF was dying, it's like everything I'd believed in for 40 years went flying out the window. Gone. All my beliefs that had given me comfort, and should have been most use to me at that time. My DF had a difficult painful death, and when he died, it seemed so final, I couldn't believe he was somewhere else.

The prior two years a close friend & my DGM (who died in her 100th year and was well till the end) had died, and I got comfort believing they were in heaven & I'd see them again. But all that left me when my DF died & I feel so cross about that!

Fiddledeedeeee · 10/12/2022 19:43

ClangingBell · 10/12/2022 13:04

I came very close to dying suddenly a few years ago and I can remember how absolutely peaceful it felt. I feel quite calm about it now because it seemed to be absolutely fine.

I feel the same!
I don’t think I was close to death but I fainted and genuinely saw parts of my life ‘flash before my eyes’. It felt really peaceful and I’ve felt differently about death ever since.

Crazykatie · 10/12/2022 19:45

I don’t fear death, I have done my best in this life and I just want to go quickly and not linger on in pain. Nor do I want to be a burden to others, just switch me off when I can’t enjoy life

Monmouthy · 10/12/2022 19:46

This happened to me after my dad died but I’m okay now, cbt helped me.

Schlaar · 10/12/2022 19:51

Existential dread. It bothers everyone. All we can do is try not to think about it.

To be petrified of death
LikeTearsInRain · 10/12/2022 19:54

One way I try to think of it is that it will be much like before I was born. Which at times seems very peaceful.

Other times I get the fear like you OP. At times I thought surely it’s preferable to at least be conscious and entertained by some kind of stimulus forever? Even if that meant just watching tv forever. But I think it would soon get shit and you’d want to be done with it all. Hoping that feeling comes more as I get older. Lots of comments seem to support it does get easier with age.

Seasider2017 · 10/12/2022 19:58

I don’t want a long drawn out death(65 now)

if I have cancer later in life, I don’t want intervention as it just prolongs death with pain,sickness,drugs

Yankeedoodlemandy · 10/12/2022 20:02

If I think about it I feel massively panicky.
I knew a lady who was 103 and petrified of death. I mean so scared and I really felt awful for her given the age she was at. She ended up taking Valium due to the issue .

Blueisthecolour1 · 10/12/2022 20:10

We should spend our lives preparing for death. This, of course, is my personal opinion & not everyone will agree. What I mean by this is that we should live our lives fully, to the best of our ability. Do things that are important to us, do lots of things that matter to us, and get busy living so that when death comes we meet it with acceptance & in thanks for a rich life we’ll spent. No regrets

5128gap · 10/12/2022 20:33

Death is horrifically scary. As a PP pointed out, it we didn't fear it we'd not protect ourselves. It's natural and instinctive. What is not natural though is for the fear to become all encompassing, otherwise most of us would cease to function. Somehow our brains usually manage to tidy away the fact of our mortality into a box we can forget about.
When that's not the case, it's generally because there's something else going on. Depression, reaction to bereavement or other life trauma, a big life change, sometimes too much time on our hands, sometimes even self sabotaging times of happiness.
You can't stop fearing death. We humans carry that every day of our long lives. What you can do is try to uncover the reason why that fear has escaped from its box and become a nuisance. Then try to address that so you can shove it back in.

Asterope · 10/12/2022 20:38

I used to feel a bit like this until I started looking into research on consciousness: listen to podcast interviews (or google) work by Jeffrey Mishlove, Mark Gober etc This has totally changed my perspective

Sleepyquest · 10/12/2022 20:41

I feel like this too. It's got worse since I've had babies 😔

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