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Original poster

To be petrified of death

119 replies

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 10/12/2022 12:32

I don't know if this belongs in aibu, I seem to have got a real thing/maybe towards a phobia type of thing about dying, I know I will die at some point but it's becoming a issue, keeping me up at night panicky and taking a lot of my thoughts, I feel like I don't understand ( I do) that everything will be normal one minute then it will change and I'll know nothing more, I won't see anyone again or do anything again when that happens, I obviously do understand this WILL happen but I'm having so much anxiety around it, I'm in 30s so its 'probably' not even soon if nothing happens/illness etc but it's really domineering my thoughts for last couple of months and getting worse, I think ( and hope) when it happens I just won't know anything about it but I find it overwhelming to think everything is gone in that moment, I'll never know anything again, if my brain ceases to work then I'll never have the capacity to know, for example, what my kids upto, it sounds so silly but I just struggling to comprehend it will just be blackness, like under general anaesthesic but don't come back around, I'm not religious really so don't have faith to fall back on or think about, does anyone else think it's crazy and scary that one minute in the future you'll just be no more and you don't know when, I just find it hard to comprehend and wonder if I'm the only one

OP posts:
Trinity65 · 10/12/2022 15:50

My one and only fear, that I cannot shake off no matter how old I am, is of not being dead but mistaken as being, and being cremated alive.
Death itself. No.
I am the wrong side of 55 though OP , no idea of your age.

Somethingsnappy · 10/12/2022 15:53

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 10/12/2022 13:58

I think the feeling you have in some ways is similar (yet very different) to the feeling I have when I stare at the sky and think about just how big the universe is. It's that feeling of not being able to comprehend the vastness. For me, I have some sort of feeling of existential fear of what's out there, to the point it can make me teary. Strange, I know!

Me too, exactly this! It's the fear of the vast unknown. Its too much for our little brains to be able to comprehend. That said, I find the idea that there is so much more to life, death and the universe than we could possibly understand, quite comforting. We don't know what happens when we die, nobody does.

LibbyL92 · 10/12/2022 16:13

Brightstarowl · 10/12/2022 12:57

I hear you.

The thing that helps me is telling myself I'll be going back to the place I was before conception. 💐

This is a really comforting way of looking at it.

thank you

Unforgettablefire · 10/12/2022 16:14

RedHelenB · 10/12/2022 12:33

If its any consolation the older you get the less you care about dying.

This is right. I used to be frightened, in my 50s now and I wouldn't say I care less I'm just more accepting of it.
My grandmother is mid 90s and is more than ready.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 10/12/2022 16:53

Dalekjastninerels · 10/12/2022 14:47

But isn't it better to not exist? I would hate to keep living in an afterlife or anywhere else like as ghost for eternity.

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No! It's NOT better. As many on this thread have explained- the fear is not really death exactly, it's oblivion.

To feel nothing, think nothing, BE nothing. That's terrifying to me.

If I was convinced of some kind if after life - anything really- I wouldn't be afraid any more
I know it.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 10/12/2022 16:55

LibbyL92 · 10/12/2022 16:13

This is a really comforting way of looking at it.

thank you

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Not to me. Before I was conceived i had no experience of living. Now I do. To me it's no comfort at all.

LibbyL92 · 10/12/2022 16:58

MistyGreenAndBlue · 10/12/2022 16:55

Not to me. Before I was conceived i had no experience of living. Now I do. To me it's no comfort at all.

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For me it’s the fear of what happens to my body once I die… the cremation/burial/undertakers ect!

MistyGreenAndBlue · 10/12/2022 16:59

Hbh17 · 10/12/2022 13:39

I genuinely don't understand fear of death. Perhaps people think they are still going to have emotions after they die? Of course they won't - it's not possible to have emotions if you don't exist so, in that sense, death is no different to the thousands of years that went by before our birth.
Fear of dying - in a painful way - makes sense, but there is absolutely nothing bad about death. Indeed, as Shakespeare wrote " it is a consummation devoutly to be wished" - all fear, pain & sadness will be gone.

But I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose me. I'd take it over oblivion any day. Maybe it's just that life isn't long enough.

Getting older isn't helping at all.

LeoEisor · 10/12/2022 17:03

Can't read people's posts or it will set me off. I suffer the same. I've had counselling/CBT. Worst was when I had my daughter I suffered with PND surrounding these thoughts after she was born. Apparently it common after baby as I am now having someone need and rely on me to survive.

Started when I was about 11. Then flared up every now and then. I can kind of control it but sometimes if I wake in the night it can creep in so I usually play candy crush or something to distract me.

When I had it really bad it was causing numerous panic attacks a day, or I was having the thoughts regularly like when I was brushing my hair (random) or if I saw an elderly person. So that's when I knew I needed help like even on a night out with my friends when I was drinking and having fun suddenly the thought that one day it will happen takes over. I then referred myself to mind who provided CBT, then I also took some antidepressants which seemed to help. I was on them for 6 months and they seemed to do the trick.

It does get better I promise, and I accept one day I'm going to feel worse again as something will trigger it in the future. Personally CBT didn't help much more what helped was understanding why, the counselling explained due to lots of deaths of family/people I knew when I was younger contributes.
It seems to effect quite a lot of people, and I struggle to understand how some people don't get worried about the same thing.

I know how you feel and like I said you will feel better promise. Speak to GP x

MistyGreenAndBlue · 10/12/2022 17:09

LibbyL92 · 10/12/2022 16:58

For me it’s the fear of what happens to my body once I die… the cremation/burial/undertakers ect!

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That's as valid as my fears. What this thread seems to show is that people have different reasons to fear death and that some of those fears are, for others, a reason NOT to fear. I guess we're all different.

DomesticShortHair · 10/12/2022 17:09

I find this a very interesting point of view or concern, simply because it’s very different to my own. I don’t think death really matters, or more accurately, life really matters. And by that, I mean I don’t think it’s important in the grand scheme of things. I see us all as just a bunch of coincident atoms and resulting electrical impulses really, and at some point, we won’t be anymore. For me, the only thing I fear about death is the manner in which it will happen.

I had a very instant, near death experience, once. So much so that, very briefly I thought I had died. I was actually genuinely disappointed when I found out I hadn’t- not in a depressed way, more a in a curious way. But of course, that day was only postponed, not missed entirely.

shmiz · 10/12/2022 17:11

Hi OP -
we have a certain amount of fear and anxiety about mortality of course
but death anxiety is a real thing that some of us really suffer from
there is a really good book
overcoming death anxiety
the author is David Veale

malificent7 · 10/12/2022 17:13

Well i'd only want to live forever if I wasn't so bloody knackered all the time and in really good health. I think i'm at peace with it tbh.

KarmaStar · 10/12/2022 17:20

Hi op
try living in the moment,it takes a lot of hard work but once you train your mind to think this way then it takes a huge weight off of your shoulders.
it is simply not thinking about anything but what you are doing at the time,day for example,washing your hands,feel the water ,cold or warm,inhale the event of the soap,feel the texture of the towel ,make a cup of tea and feel the weight of the kettle,listen to the running water,smell the tea...you will find all your worries are gone.
and about dying,please don't worry about it,you will not be alone.you will meet your lives ones who have gone ahead.
try square breathing too,inhale for four seconds,hold for four seconds exhale for four seconds hold for four seconds.it does help.

Redebs · 10/12/2022 17:23

I think that if we really think about death, then it is absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking.
Most people don't think about it much and that strategy enables them to get on and live their life.

My mum died a few months ago and the horror of losing her catches up with me often. I was able to be with her throughout her process of dying and am grateful to have been a comfort, but everything just seemed so unreasonable and wrong.

The idea of my beautiful children and grandchildren dying some day is utterly unbearable.

AlwaysLatte · 10/12/2022 17:24

The way I see it after death you return to the same state of non-existance you were in before you were born. The nothingness feels horrific to you now, but when you die there won't be any "you" to experience it or have any kind of feeling about the situation. There can't be any pain or regret because there is no one to experience it anymore. Why fear something you will never perceive? I find the idea quite refreshing and peaceful.
This is exactly how I feel about it and I couldn't put it into words so well. Your fear is you worrying about it. Once you're not there to worry, the fear will also be gone. So enjoy your life.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 10/12/2022 17:26

I do too - since young, I have panic attacks and physically shake when I think that one day I'll be dead. I can barely bear to type this post. I really wish I could accept it more.

ILOVECHEESE79 · 10/12/2022 17:26

I'd had this since I was about 7.
Hasn't got any better as I've got older.
You might want to ask MN to move this to the MH board.
💚

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/12/2022 17:38

I have dreams when under general so maybe it will be fun.

It is scary. Of course it is. But there's not much you can do about it. Maybe seek some CBT to cope with the phobia.

Wombatbum · 10/12/2022 17:39

I remember once driving through a village near my home and having a sudden panic that one day I wouldn’t be here anymore! It is worrying when your children are young/dependent on you that realisation that if something happens to you they will not have you any more x

OnionBudgie · 10/12/2022 17:40

Can only recommend that anyone questioning reads Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. It will answer your questions. It will make sense. Stop worrying.

Redebs · 10/12/2022 17:44

@OnionBudgie glad you found a book that consoled you, but it's not for everyone

PeaceJoySleep · 10/12/2022 17:47

I'm in my 50s and not accepting of death. I don't know why people would be oh it's fine, death, bring it. Confused
The thoughts of being conscious one second and then ceasing to exist the next, it's terrifying. To be nothing. And it's not the same as before you were born because at that point, you hadn't already existed.

AuntieMarys · 10/12/2022 17:53

I would love to know exactly when I will die. I like being organised and it would help me plan financially.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/12/2022 18:00

No one likes the thought of dying. I find a good way to think about is this: I don't mind what happened in world before I was here so I'm sure I won't mind after I'm gone...