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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS off school today but has football tomorrow

83 replies

treatyfl · 09/12/2022 13:39

DH does shift work and is working this weekend. Dss is over tonight, he was off school yesterday and today with a bad cold.

However, he has a football game tomorrow which he still wants to go to which I have to take him to and is outdoors.

A. Its a nightmare taking him because i have a 7year old and toddler so have to somehow entertain them for the duration of the game.

B. I dont think he should be allowed to go if he was sick enough to miss school?!

AIBU to say this to dh.

Obviously it benefits me if he doesn't go to football, but to be honest it's more about the treatment, like its fine to miss school you can still do hobbies. What is that teaching our 7 year old?!

Side note - he would absolutely not allow the 7 year old to do this!

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 09/12/2022 18:27

Also if step child is over 10 i think reasonable to drop them at football and collect when it is cold/wet and you have smaller children. Of course when possible one of you (ideally dad or mum) should be there to cheer him on.

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 09/12/2022 18:27

maranella · 09/12/2022 18:25

No, that's not what I meant @chocolateasaltyballs22, because the useless Disney dads don't post on here. But the women who marry men who already have DC do and then whine that they have to parent DC that aren't theirs.

And rightly so. Who wants to parent another woman's kid, regardless of whether they married said kid's dad? The kid already has two parents. But I can see that you're one of the 'you knew what you were getting into' brigade so no doubt you'll come back with some such retort.

funinthesun19 · 09/12/2022 18:44

On another thread yesterday, the stepmum got told she isn’t their mum and basically should back off the mum’s toes for wanting to take the dscs to have their nails done because the mum wants to do it before her.

And yet on this thread we revert back to the usual “treat them like your own”.

OP, to paraphrase from the thread yesterday. Dsc isn’t your child. So why should you take him to football? It’s only because you’re not stepping on the mum’s toes that your time is welcome.

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 18:48

maranella · 09/12/2022 18:25

No, that's not what I meant @chocolateasaltyballs22, because the useless Disney dads don't post on here. But the women who marry men who already have DC do and then whine that they have to parent DC that aren't theirs.

This all depends on your families particular set up though. There is no 'end of' (as PP said) about it.

In some families you may be expected to chip in, co parent, treat like your own etc and in others you may not. There is no rule to say you must parent your spouse's children like your own. I have NEVER done that, nor have I ever been asked or expected or wanted to do that. Their mum has always much preferred me to keep a friendly adult figure type role rather than parent and that's fine (it's how I prefer it too!).

There's nothing wrong with expecting a child's parents to do the parenting. That should be the ideal, go to situation!

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 18:52

I would expect my DSCs parents to firstly do whatever they would do if I wasn't around i.e. figure it out between themselves like the co parents they are (it's a shame some parents are mature enough to do that).

I don't mind being asked every now and then to help but I wouldn't accept it being expected and if I say no then I don't expect to be guilted for it.

You can't have these things both ways. Seems to me lots of parents are happy for step parents to treat DC like their own when it suits but not at any other points.

DSCs mum didn't want me to treat them like my own because she didn't want another woman mothering her children. That's absolutely fine. But that extends to situations like this too.

maranella · 09/12/2022 19:02

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 09/12/2022 18:27

And rightly so. Who wants to parent another woman's kid, regardless of whether they married said kid's dad? The kid already has two parents. But I can see that you're one of the 'you knew what you were getting into' brigade so no doubt you'll come back with some such retort.

Show quote history

No, I just WAS a stepkid - that's all. And it's shit. And yes, she did have a choice, unlike her DH's DS.

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 19:06

I just don't see the need or why situations like this are necessarily shit for the stepkids and I am a stepchild btw!

Providing there are two involved parents, why do you NEED your step parent to treat you like their own? Your parents doing the parenting is the same as all other children with two parents. I think acting like a child will need therapy because one weekend their parents couldn't take him to football (like a million other kids at some point in their childhood) is ridiculous. It's a normal thing. Dad's working, mum is busy so no can do this week. There will be hundreds of children up and down the country who sometimes can't do something because neither parent is free. It's not the end of the world.

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 19:07

My children sometimes can't go to things if me and their dad are working. I don't have some magic 3rd parent (but only when it suits obvs) on tap I can demand take my child for me.

maranella · 09/12/2022 19:11

I didn't say she needed to treat him as her own @ChuckleGoOn, just that he doesn't feel like an inconvenience. But yeah, ideally his dad would take him to football.

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 19:15

maranella · 09/12/2022 19:11

I didn't say she needed to treat him as her own @ChuckleGoOn, just that he doesn't feel like an inconvenience. But yeah, ideally his dad would take him to football.

Taking any child to football with two other kids is an inconvenience. My DSCs parents HATE doing it. They do it because they are their parents. Thankfully I am not required to inconvenience myself or my younger DCs to do this every week because I'm not their parent.

I don't really see the difference, you say you aren't saying she needs to treat him like her own but you are because you think she should inconvenience herself and her other children to do something that the DSS's parents should be working out between themselves like tonnes of other parents have to do.

MelchiorsMistress · 09/12/2022 19:16

Yabu

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 19:16

And apparently it's terribly shit for DSCs if their step parents don't take them to hobbies. I'd argue it's the same as hundreds of other kids when their parents have to be elsewhere.

alasangne · 09/12/2022 19:20

funinthesun19 · 09/12/2022 18:44

On another thread yesterday, the stepmum got told she isn’t their mum and basically should back off the mum’s toes for wanting to take the dscs to have their nails done because the mum wants to do it before her.

And yet on this thread we revert back to the usual “treat them like your own”.

OP, to paraphrase from the thread yesterday. Dsc isn’t your child. So why should you take him to football? It’s only because you’re not stepping on the mum’s toes that your time is welcome.

Totally agree.

funinthesun19 · 09/12/2022 19:34

Taking any child to football with two other kids is an inconvenience. My DSCs parents HATE doing it. They do it because they are their parents. Thankfully I am not required to inconvenience myself or my younger DCs to do this every week because I'm not their parent.

Exactly! I’m the same with my DCs and swimming lessons. I have 4 children and have to juggle 3 younger children while my eldest DC has his swimming lesson on a Monday evening. At the moment it’s dark nights and the buses are horrendously unreliable lately. But we muddle through. In summer it’s obviously a more pleasant experience.
Then on Saturday mornings I juggle my toddler while my middle two have their swimming lessons. It’s always packed and I hate being around so many people.

One of my middle children wants to do football after Christmas and the other middle child wants to start gymnastics.

I sure as hell wouldn’t expect a stepmum to take all of that I mentioned above on!

I do it because I’m their mum and I want to do it. It’s part of my job to give them those opportunities.
It’s not a poor stepmum’s job to stand around in the cold dark evenings waiting for a bus out of principle that she’s in a relationship with my children’s father. It really isn’t.

alasangne · 09/12/2022 19:40

@funinthesun19 i know right. If my DSC's parents tried to make me take their kid to some club thing I'd find it hard not to laugh in their faces. If they don't enjoy it when it's for their own kid why the fuck would I enjoy it!

funinthesun19 · 09/12/2022 20:12

alasangne · 09/12/2022 19:40

@funinthesun19 i know right. If my DSC's parents tried to make me take their kid to some club thing I'd find it hard not to laugh in their faces. If they don't enjoy it when it's for their own kid why the fuck would I enjoy it!

And as the parents they must get some enjoyment out of it. Seeing their own children enjoy themselves and do well etc.. With me it’s just the logistics that I dread.

Kanaloa · 09/12/2022 20:21

If he was sick on a Thursday but felt better on a Friday would you insist he must stay home from school as he’d been unwell on the day before? I’d guess not. You can be under the weather on a Friday and better on a Saturday.

If you don’t want to take him to football because it’s inconvenient for you then deal with that rather than trying to say he needs to miss it because he had a cold the day before.

Flamingogirl08 · 09/12/2022 20:36

DailyMailHater · 09/12/2022 17:27

I get involved with my DSCs hobbies if they fall when they are at our house….I married their dad knowing he had 2 children and when they are at our house they are treated no different to our joint children in that we share the care for them so if one needs taking somewhere I am happy to do it…I will never be their mum but when they are at our house I treat them like I treat my own.

i am shocked at the “ not my child not my problem” mentality when you are married to someone who has children

Yep I feel the same

Flamingogirl08 · 09/12/2022 20:55

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 19:16

And apparently it's terribly shit for DSCs if their step parents don't take them to hobbies. I'd argue it's the same as hundreds of other kids when their parents have to be elsewhere.

I think it's more the attitude of not my child not my problem. Obviously if there are reasons it can't be done then that's a different story. But the I can't be arsed because it's not my kid and I couldn't possibly take my kid out in the cold so my step child can do a hobby they enjoy attitude isn't very nice.

funinthesun19 · 10/12/2022 06:49

I think it's more the attitude of not my child not my problem. Obviously if there are reasons it can't be done then that's a different story. But the I can't be arsed because it's not my kid and I couldn't possibly take my kid out in the cold so my step child can do a hobby they enjoy attitude isn't very nice.

I think if one of the parents is available it should be them taking their child to their hobby, even if it’s not their weekend. Could be mum or dad it doesn’t matter.

alasangne · 10/12/2022 09:14

Flamingogirl08 · 09/12/2022 20:55

I think it's more the attitude of not my child not my problem. Obviously if there are reasons it can't be done then that's a different story. But the I can't be arsed because it's not my kid and I couldn't possibly take my kid out in the cold so my step child can do a hobby they enjoy attitude isn't very nice.

Show quote history

Tough. They aren't her child so no not her problem.

If there are TWO parents they should be able to sort it out between them without dragging a 3rd person in. It's what most other couples do.

alasangne · 10/12/2022 09:14

funinthesun19 · 10/12/2022 06:49

I think it's more the attitude of not my child not my problem. Obviously if there are reasons it can't be done then that's a different story. But the I can't be arsed because it's not my kid and I couldn't possibly take my kid out in the cold so my step child can do a hobby they enjoy attitude isn't very nice.

I think if one of the parents is available it should be them taking their child to their hobby, even if it’s not their weekend. Could be mum or dad it doesn’t matter.

Yes, I don't see why the parents can't sort it out between them. Mum should do it if dad can't or if they both can't then they need to sort themselves out.

Kanaloa · 10/12/2022 09:53

alasangne · 10/12/2022 09:14

Tough. They aren't her child so no not her problem.

If there are TWO parents they should be able to sort it out between them without dragging a 3rd person in. It's what most other couples do.

Show quote history

But then she needs to be plain about that and say ‘from now on I’m not willing to take DSS to football, it’s too inconvenient for me, so either he can’t go or someone else needs to take him.’ Rather than wrapping it up as ‘oh but he was home from school so he shouldn’t go.’ Just admit that you don’t want to take him and aren’t willing to do that, and his father will need to take him or else hand in his resignation to the team.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/12/2022 10:12

The thing is, if you have 3 DC of your own of widely varying ages and a DH who works weekend shifts, you think very hard about managibility and the effect on all 3 children before you agree to a regular activity for any of them.
If a stepchild has an activity that you weren't consulted about before it was arranged, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to say actually no, you can't manage it, at least not on a freezing cold day with the other DC in tow.
I'd say either the boy's parents deal with it, or he goes with a friend or under his own steam. Tbh, he is probably old enough to be left while you go and do something else, would that be a possibility? Is there a reason why you have to stay there?

GrumpyPanda · 10/12/2022 10:12

The "treat them as your own" brigade on here are so inconsistent. Surely if this was actually the case, OP - as the adult in charge on the day - should also be comfortable making sole decisions on whether a) dss should be going to sports considering they'd just been off school for illness and b) how to balance their needs with those if other family members.