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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive him?

75 replies

aqu · 08/12/2022 23:39

Six(ish) month ago whilst on a break with ExDP of 1.5 years I found out I was pregnant. He said he was "abandoning us" the next day, then his family blocked me on everything and I heard nothing for a month.

He then resurfaced after that month and said he wanted to know whether I had terminated or not. That he was never actually going to abandon me, he just did it with the support of his parents to try and "force and manipulate" me into an abortion.

I refused to tell him and then he contacted me again a couple of weeks later and said the only person I was hindering by not telling him was my child. I had already miscarried by his point and I told him.

He then went on to tell me his parents hate me and some other mean stuff, he called me a name.

We didn't speak for five months but have been recently. It's pathetic, but I love him. I haven't moved on, I've tried, but I have not been able to.

We've been sleeping together and going on dates.

The situation was incredibly traumatic and it makes my stomach turn when I think about it

AIBU to try and forgive him?

Would you?

OP posts:
JoyfulGirl · 08/12/2022 23:41

Absolutely do not fucking forgive him.

herbaltea21 · 08/12/2022 23:42

He's manipulating you by trying to trick you into an abortion.
He's bullying you and punishing you by telling you his family hate you.
This man doesn't love you OP. You won't find happiness woho someone who treats you like this.
It might be hard to hear but this is emotional abuse.

LiamNeesonIsADerryGirl · 08/12/2022 23:42

No, I would not try and forgive him.

Fidgety31 · 08/12/2022 23:43

I couldn’t forgive someone who wanted me to have an abortion no .
He sounds gross .

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/12/2022 23:46

Sounds rather toxic tbh

Mummieslncorporated · 08/12/2022 23:47

There's nothing wrong with forgiving him.

However forgiving him doesn't mean you should be getting back together with him. What happens if you get pregnant again? Will he pull the same stunt again? Go running to his family and allow them to slag you off?

Forgiveness, however, is fine. That's a gift to yourself, so you aren't holding on to anger/hate/whatever negative emotions you have about the situation.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/12/2022 23:55

No. I think this is you reacting to the trauma rather than doing something you know will be good for you.

I could maybe forgive a mistake, if someone was otherwise a good person and they were genuinely full of remorse.

But his actions were deliberate and involved 2 other people, so his family are all clearly batshit as well. It was a prolonged period of extreme manipulation and cruelty. It's pretty much the definition of unforgivable to try and force an abortion on someone else. Please please stay away

Original poster
aqu · 08/12/2022 23:57

Thank you. I think I know deep down it isn't the right thing to do.

OP posts:
GrunkleStan · 09/12/2022 07:58

When someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/12/2022 08:03

That feeling that you have for him, that isn't love. You obviously have some sort of attachment to him but it really isn't love.

He has deliberately made you feel absolutely awful. This is not something that someone who loves you will do.

If you stay involved with him, you stay involved with his awful family as well. Why would you do that to yourself?

MoreSleepPleasee · 09/12/2022 08:04

If you want a shit life and to be treated like dirt and be emotionally abused by him and his family then forgive him. I'd be running in the opposite direction.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2022 08:13

Why would you even speak to someone like this? He’s toxic, his family are poisonous. Please get some counselling and stop seeing him

poefaced · 09/12/2022 08:14

Please leave him permanently.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/12/2022 08:15

I can't believe you back in touch with him in all honesty, him and his family sound like utter scum.

Dittosaw · 09/12/2022 08:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CrazyBiscuits · 09/12/2022 08:19

Don't think I could ever forgive this behaviour from someone. He wasn't there when you needed him the most whatever the outcome had been. I suspect you're still vulnerable and he's nipped in at this point. I'd dump and build on your strength. You deserve better.

OurChristmasMiracle · 09/12/2022 08:20

He used emotional abuse to attempt to force you into an abortion. He then went on to be verbally abusive towards you after you told him you had miscarried the baby (so when you were already vulnerable)

I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him to be honest and you don’t owe him anything. Any time the going gets tough he will leave and he has shown you that and he will be abusive in order to get his own way.

leave before the abuse gets worse because it will.

notacooldad · 09/12/2022 08:23

AIBU to try and forgive him?
Would you?
it would be a long cold day in hell before I forgave that!
No chance.

gannett · 09/12/2022 08:25

It's pathetic, but I love him

What do you mean by "love"? Love to me is essentially about loving someone's character and he's shown you a despicable and unlovable side of his. He can't possibly make you feel secure and he doesn't make you feel good.

Forgiveness isn't the dilemma, your priority should be moving on first. In the fullness of time when you no longer feel anything for him, only then would it be healthy to forgive - from a large distance and without him actually in your life.

Grimchmas · 09/12/2022 08:25

What he has done is completely unforgivable.

Work on raising your opinion of yourself. Maybe some therapy would help?

TheplacewhereIwant2b · 09/12/2022 08:30

aqu · 08/12/2022 23:57

Thank you. I think I know deep down it isn't the right thing to do.

No. You'd be short changing yourself, your life and future children staying with a man like that. Look after yourself. You deserve much much more. I'd be distancing myself and focusing on my own wants and healing. He's shown his true colours.

ZenNudist · 09/12/2022 08:30

No don't forgive. Have some standards.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/12/2022 08:34

It's a no from me. If you forgive behaviour like this you're basically signalling that its acceptable. Stop sleeping with him. That won't end well.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 09/12/2022 08:35

Yes YABU
I can only see bad things if you continue the relationship with him.

if you can I’d block him on everything and his family and try to cut ties completely. I can’t imagine anything more shitty that what he did.

dolor · 09/12/2022 08:38

Don't you dare.

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