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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive him?

75 replies

aqu · 08/12/2022 23:39

Six(ish) month ago whilst on a break with ExDP of 1.5 years I found out I was pregnant. He said he was "abandoning us" the next day, then his family blocked me on everything and I heard nothing for a month.

He then resurfaced after that month and said he wanted to know whether I had terminated or not. That he was never actually going to abandon me, he just did it with the support of his parents to try and "force and manipulate" me into an abortion.

I refused to tell him and then he contacted me again a couple of weeks later and said the only person I was hindering by not telling him was my child. I had already miscarried by his point and I told him.

He then went on to tell me his parents hate me and some other mean stuff, he called me a name.

We didn't speak for five months but have been recently. It's pathetic, but I love him. I haven't moved on, I've tried, but I have not been able to.

We've been sleeping together and going on dates.

The situation was incredibly traumatic and it makes my stomach turn when I think about it

AIBU to try and forgive him?

Would you?

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 09/12/2022 09:43

I wouldn't want to be within 10miles of him again, let alone share a bed.

Get rid of him, nothing good will come of this.

lalala1234 · 09/12/2022 09:45

No, no, and a bit more no.

Terrible idea getting back in touch with him and sleeping with him.

Ansjovis · 09/12/2022 09:54

Have you considered counselling? It's normal that even when someone is abusive the feelings don't necessarily go away instantly, however you need to develop some coping mechanisms so that you can deal with it better. In that scenario your thought process needs to be "he's abusive, I still have feelings for him BUT I need to work on getting over that because I deserve better than abuse." NOT "he's abusive, I still have feelings for him SO I need to go back to him because the strength of my feelings negates the abuse."

It's easy for me to say, sure, but if you put the work in it is possible to reframe your thought process to one that benefits you going forwards.

BT11 · 09/12/2022 09:56

JoyfulGirl · 08/12/2022 23:41

Absolutely do not fucking forgive him.

Perfect response! 👌

Do not forgive him - you'll regret it later on.

samqueens · 09/12/2022 10:02

I’m really sorry this has happened to you, but all the posters here are 100% correct - he is abusive, you will never be happy if you remain with this man. He will make you miserable and you will lose your self respect, which will make it worse.

I recommend the Lundy Bancroft book “Why Does He Do That?”

You say you tried to move on but you can’t get over him because you love him… but it’s only been 5 months and you have been in contact/dating/sleeping together. It’s not possible to get over someone this way, especially a man like this when you feel so vulnerable. All you’re doing is picking a scab, making it impossible for healing to occur. You have to cut ties, block, change your number/email - do whatever is needed to have zero contact with him. Keep that up for a year and I’m pretty certain. you’ll feel much better!

Dittosaw · 09/12/2022 10:04

Op really sorry I didn’t see that you had miscarried was doing the school run. It was a supportive message I sent anyway so please don’t be offended. I said it more to refer to your ex had no intention of offending

Dittosaw · 09/12/2022 10:05

Just reporting myself lol. Will get the post deleted.

StrawberryWater · 09/12/2022 10:24

Good lord no, I'd run a fucking mile.

He's disgusting and his family are vile.

You deserve better.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 09/12/2022 10:28

Fuck this!! And for the love of god don’t get pregnant again by him and bring a poor child into this fucked up relationship.

You don’t need this, what had happened to you in life before him to make you think this is what you deserve?? You need to address that.

LimeTwists · 09/12/2022 10:29

He’s a piece of absolute trash and I don’t say that lightly. He’s irresponsible, cowardly, manipulative, unsupportive, callous, selfish and a liar. And now you’re having sex with him again. Know your worth and raise the standard of treatment you are willing to accept, OP.

LimeTwists · 09/12/2022 10:33

You mention he called you a name. Think about the name he chose to call you because it’s probably pretty telling about his character, as well as all of the other shitty things I mentioned above. When he lashes out and insults you, what does he see as your weak spot? Think about this and tell yourself that you won’t accept this from anyone.

larkstar · 09/12/2022 10:37

I can't believe you even need to ask.

Well - OK - I have to remind myself that there are a lot of fragile and vulnerable people in this world... And plenty of selfish and abusive people who sometimes exploit others.

Take the advice given here. By the sound of it, I doubt you will.

I'm always sad to hear these stories - they are so often posted about on here. When you're in a situation like this it's like being in a dream (or a nightmare) - detached from reality - and everyone posting here is trying to shake you to wake you up.

Original poster
aqu · 09/12/2022 14:29

Thank you.

He told me that yesterday his dad said "I'm sorry but I have to ask, you're not seeing aqu again are you".

I don't know why the fact they hate me bothers me so much, when I know I don't deserve it.

I have thought about therapy but it's expensive. I always feel like I have good self esteem and feel good about myself, but clearly don't if I'm considering getting back with him.

I want to tell him why I am so hurt, but I can't articulate it and I'm terrified of his response.

OP posts:
Derbee · 09/12/2022 14:32

The stress he caused you may may have contributed to your miscarriage.

And you want to allow him back into your life?

What more are you going to let this arsehole take from you?

samqueens · 09/12/2022 14:45

Why do you want to tell him you’re so hurt? What do you think or hope he will do?

here are some options -

do you hope he will see the light?
“Oh my goodness OP - you’re right, I am a vile person and will never behave that way again. I am so sorry - I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you.” (Note - this is not going to be said, nor will it ever happen)

do you hope he will offer you some understanding and emotional support?
“OP I am sorry - I hadn’t realised how much I hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?” (See not above”

I think you know you are more likely to get one of the following, or a combination of them all:

”What are you taking about?”
”How dare you say I hurt you - I didn’t want to have a baby and you were trying to trap me.”
”I can see you’re upset but I was just making it clear that I didn’t want to have a baby”
”Look you’re not perfect either remember the time when you X/Y/Z”
”I’m sorry you feel that way, and maybe I have some issues, but I really care about you”

All of the above types of responses are awful - the last one is super manipulative and changes nothing about who this man is or what he can offer you.

The reason so many people on this thread are being so incredibly clear with you about how worthless this man is, is that, believe it or not, other people have experienced similar behavior and they know where it leads.

He wants you to engage with him so he can play kind games with you and this relationship will end up destroying you from the inside out. The only way to escape is to cut contact. Do NOT engage. He doesn’t care that you’re hurt - you want him to care, he may even try and convince you that he does. But HE DOES NOT CARE. The only possible outcomes from the conversation you want to have are either you getting sucked back into his bullshit or him heaping a load of blame on you and making you feel more confused and hurt.

samqueens · 09/12/2022 14:46

Not KIND games - MIND games

very definitely NOT kind games

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/12/2022 15:00

GrunkleStan · 09/12/2022 07:58

When someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them.

This absolutely..

You will find your self esteem will drop.lower and lower.

A person who loves you should want to build you up to be the best person you want to be.

He litterally left you pregnant to deal with by yourself.. by the sounds of it no appology.

You need to block him so you can move on .

Notimeforaname · 09/12/2022 15:14

Just stop talking to him. Tell him you dont want to see him and block.

Original poster
aqu · 09/12/2022 15:23

I have ignored his text message. I'm hoping I can actually stay away this time

The whole thing is making me feel sick.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2022 15:27

*AIBU to try and forgive him?

Would you?*

Yes.

No.

He's treated you appalling and his family hate you. Throw this one back in. There are decent people out there. He's not one of them.

Probablymagrat · 09/12/2022 15:28

I don't know why you are giving this scumbag the time of day. He did you a favour by showing his true colours, but you still allowed yourself to be taken in again? you are worth so much more than this.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/12/2022 16:11

aqu · 09/12/2022 15:23

I have ignored his text message. I'm hoping I can actually stay away this time

The whole thing is making me feel sick.

Well if you stay with him this is how you will feel over and over and over again

You're a grown woman

Nobody has a gun to your head forcing you to stay with this vile specimen

It's really your choice!

CookieWarbler · 09/12/2022 16:35

You need to raise your bar much much higher OP.
If a friend sat you down and told you the same story what would you think? You'd likely be horrified that she was contemplating staying with such an abusive arsehole.
Do yourself a favour and don't give this prick the ego stroke that you running back to him each time will give him.
Hold your head high. Block him and work on your self esteem

samqueens · 09/12/2022 18:23

aqu · 09/12/2022 15:23

I have ignored his text message. I'm hoping I can actually stay away this time

The whole thing is making me feel sick.

Well done - keep going. Blocking him will make it a bit easier

Americano75 · 09/12/2022 18:29

Are you kidding? Get the fuck away from this man and his toxic family as fast as you can.

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