Helping friend after c-section

[Cookskitchen]

Firstly, I have had 3 “natural” births so I don’t truly have an understanding of the recovery after a c-section.

I have been helping my friend out after her 3rd section with childcare a couple of times a week since the baby was born. Nothing much really a couple of dropping offs and pick ups from school, which I’m doing anyway with my DC. Also, a couple of 5pm nursery collection. I was more than happy to help out as needed once her husband went back to work after 2 weeks off.

She is now 7 weeks post c-section as has asked again for me to help with a couple of drop off pick ups and for the 5pm nursery collection next week (making her 8 weeks PP).

I don’t really want to say no, like I said always more than happy to help out and I don’t know fully the recovery time after a section. But I feel like maybe she is able to walk to collect DD? (It’s a about a 10min walk). I feel like I’m maybe falling in this that I can alway help/be asked/taking the piss… if that makes sense - not in a mean way! She is alway thankful and grateful.

I have also offered to walk with her if she needed but she didn’t really take me up on it! DH has the car so driving isn’t an option but I know she is cleared to drive after 6ish weeks of it was ever available.

I suppose the main reason I’m feeling a little over used is that fact she starting talking about have its great in the mornings… DH gets up with the older kids, breakfast, gets them dressed, she has a lovely lie in and wakes up when the baby does (all of which is lovely and totally needed after the birth/sleepless night and especially c-section)

AIBU to say no?

That’s ridiculous, unless she’s mentioned severe complications then baring weight training at the gym it should be back to business as usual by 6 weeks. I would say I felt 90% of the way there 3 weeks after my sections. You sound like a great friend, I would have been so grateful for the help at 2 weeks PP as it’s not easy wrangling the older ones on the school run that soon after, but 8 weeks on… she’s deep into CF territory. Say no.

she’s using you!

I've had 3 C sections and needed a bit of help for the first 2 weeks but after that could have done any of the things you mention above.

Ridiculous. I had SPD, then a c-section and was out for a gentle walk with family by day 3, by day 8 I went on my own with baby and dog. I know everyone recovers differently but if she's still that bad she needs to chat with her midwife/GP.

She's using you. 3 days after my c section I was doing the 20 minute walk on the school run twice a day!

Are you going there anyway? Do you pass her house?

how many times in total next week? Like twice?

Same. I recovered from my c section a lot quicker than friends that had vaginal births. If it’s still bad at that point she really needs more qualified help.

I definitely could not have done that 3 days post c-section. I did struggle to move about for a while, and the first two weeks were hard. For about six weeks I found if I overdid it I bled more heavily, but I certainly could manage a short walk with my toddler.
Could she be depressed ? Or anaemic ?

@Quitelikeit it was one drop off and pick for both school and nursery the 3 week post section and then the same the following week. And then again last week (so making her maybe 6 weeks ps)

Its not far out of my way, I do have to drive as it would be too much for my children to walk to hers then back to ours. So not out of my way but like I said drive instead of normally walking

I would make other plans and then tell her what you can/ can't do to wean yourself out of it e.g. I can do Tuesday pick up but I can't do Thursday, so that she has to start making plans.

I've had two sections, I think by eight weeks the fact I'd had sections was less relevant than the fact I was bloody knackered and would have rudely taken all help going, without possibly realising if I'd been taking the piss in the process.

I have had 2 c sections and was back on school run a few weeks later.

I know everyone recovers at their own pace but unless there have been some pretty major post surgery complications then after 2 months she should be absolutely fine to do the school run. She is taking advantage of your generosity and is a bit of a CF.

Just tell her you are busy so are not available. No further explanation or apologies needed.

@SirVixofVixHall I have tried to encourage her to walk with me. I would park at hers and we could walk together but she seem to ignore me. I will ask again.

Not sure if she’s been out much so maybe I do need to ask her how she is?

Hmmm. It would be easy to say that some people take the p*ss. You’re making her life easier for her and that’s it, so she’s trying to run with it.
My own recovery this year wasn’t straight forward. I really struggled. And until 9 weeks, I could barley bump the pram up and down a kerb. I had internal issues and required 3 lots of antibiotics though.
I wouldn’t have expected help from people as long as your friend has. People have lives and so do you. Tell her you’re unable to do it unless it’s an emergency and reinstate you’d be happy to accompany her another time.

It's probably more to do with the increased work/child load than the actual recovery from the c-section. I had a night in hospital and the next day I was in Sainsburys with baby in a sling. It was a breeze. Not everyone is the same though.
I think the fact she's stated that she has a lovely lie in etc, it's time to start saying no. You're not her paid maid.

Ridiculous - had 2 C sections and just 12 months apart. Never had any additional help - just avoided serious heavy lifting at the beginning - then just crack on!

I’m not begrudging the first couple of weeks helping with her DC. She needed the help and I was more than happy.

It was more asking for next week. Much I do think I’m right in thinking 8 weeks is a little cheeky of her!

I guess I just have to say no and not apologise or give reason.

Not everyone’s recovery is the same so she may still be struggling. However, unless there are serious complications, doctors recommend you get up and mobile as soon as you can manage.

There’s only a week and a bit of term. Could you continue until then and then tell her you’ll no longer be able to do it after Christmas. I know you’ve already tried suggesting walking with her, but maybe say something like:

”You’ll be back to walking again in the new term. Do you want to me to accompany you on a couple of drop offs/ pick ups before this term ends to help you get back into things?”

Was it a crash section or elective?

I've had one of each and was up and about within a week of my ELCS. But with my ELCS I was still quite impaired at 8 weeks pp. She may not be pisstaking. I certainly couldn't have done school run safely at that point!

^EMCS for the second part!

I had a c section and 2/3 weeks after I was up and about, feeling a little sore but able to move and not bed too much. However week 8/9 I caught an infection and was in so much pain that I felt like I’d just had my c section again, I needed a lot of support but dh was back at work and family all busy. She might be feeling some pain and still need help but I do think she’s maybe using you, thinking you’re always going to be there to help.

I wonder if you're at cross purposes?
You've offered to help while she's physically recovering from surgery.
She may think you've offered to help in general because she's knackered with a new baby and juggling 3 kids at school, nursery and home.

You might need to kindly reset her expectations.

Just make up a reason you won’t be driving in and offer for her to walk with you again.

I still couldn’t walk by myself 3 days after, I was ok after the first week and getting back to normal by 3 weeks. I still had pain for months after, but it was mild twinging- nothing to stop me walking and getting on with things.

Everyone’s recovery experience is different though. Some struggle on for over 8 weeks. Has she mentioned anything to you?

@drkpl she seems to be moving around well at home from whenever I’ve been over.
She was up and moving around helping her youngest with the potty/pulling his trouser up the other week no problem

She hasn’t mentioned being in any bad pain this last time I saw her either. But I know she probably still has some degree of being uncomfortable

Like someone mention maybe I just carry on until the end of term and then after Christmas that’s my extra helping done! Just be around for emergencies!

Tricky - 6 weeks you're signed off to drive - i.e your stitches won't burst if you suddenly have to do an emergency break. But you're still very fragile at that time.

You feel very weak in your core. Hard to describe but you're just very aware of your stomach - I didn't feel strong. I couldn't stand for long periods of time, I was hunched over alot.

All the nerves and all the muscle are still knitting back together. So the 6 week mark is really where your risk of stitches bursting has diminished. Your whole insides, womb, layers of fat, nerve endings and muscle take months and months to properly repair.

However, at 8 weeks I'd be feeling guilty asking someone, so I would have been hobbling along. I did my first dog walk at 8 weeks post c section, so I was definitely up and about walking at that time.

So I'm on the fence - yes I can imagine she's still feeling very fragile because I was at the 8 week mark. But, conversely I was out walking my dogs because after 6 weeks I felt like I had to get on with it or be accused of the type of things people are saying here about your friend. So I gritted my teeth and got on with it. On the other side, that probably aided my recovery because they say moving prevents the build up of scar tissue and is good for you post c section.

I'd probably just ask her - I.e do you think by X date you'll be able to do the school run?

One midwife said to me - we're all built different, we all use different muscles to move. Someone who uses their back muscles more than their stomach muscles e.g when standing will find their recovery easier.

She was right. I use my stomach muscles to sit up in bed, and get off the sofa etc my recovery felt brutal. I simply wasn't able to move the way I used to. Recovering from my c section was a dark time.