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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Helping friend after c-section

57 replies

Cookskitchen · 08/12/2022 20:58

Firstly, I have had 3 “natural” births so I don’t truly have an understanding of the recovery after a c-section.

I have been helping my friend out after her 3rd section with childcare a couple of times a week since the baby was born. Nothing much really a couple of dropping offs and pick ups from school, which I’m doing anyway with my DC. Also, a couple of 5pm nursery collection. I was more than happy to help out as needed once her husband went back to work after 2 weeks off.

She is now 7 weeks post c-section as has asked again for me to help with a couple of drop off pick ups and for the 5pm nursery collection next week (making her 8 weeks PP).

I don’t really want to say no, like I said always more than happy to help out and I don’t know fully the recovery time after a section. But I feel like maybe she is able to walk to collect DD? (It’s a about a 10min walk). I feel like I’m maybe falling in this that I can alway help/be asked/taking the piss… if that makes sense - not in a mean way! She is alway thankful and grateful.

I have also offered to walk with her if she needed but she didn’t really take me up on it! DH has the car so driving isn’t an option but I know she is cleared to drive after 6ish weeks of it was ever available.

I suppose the main reason I’m feeling a little over used is that fact she starting talking about have its great in the mornings… DH gets up with the older kids, breakfast, gets them dressed, she has a lovely lie in and wakes up when the baby does (all of which is lovely and totally needed after the birth/sleepless night and especially c-section)

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 08/12/2022 22:10

I did struggle post c section. I definitely wasn't one of the ones running round a few days later - I was in real pain for a few weeks. However, by 7 weeks, I would definitely have been able to manage a 10 min walk to school and back - unless there is something seriously wrong, that's ridiculous. Maybe ask her if she's okay? Point out that you're worried that 7 weeks later she still can't manage the walk and ask if she needs to see the doctor ...?

Starrystarrylights · 08/12/2022 22:16

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/12/2022 21:13

She's using you. 3 days after my c section I was doing the 20 minute walk on the school run twice a day!

That's unusual! The op shouldn't extrapolate from that. I'm not sure you should have been doing it.

Katnissx · 08/12/2022 22:18

Just a suggestion, she could be struggling with mental health? I had quite bad postnatal depression and really struggled with going out in public, I particularly found nursery drop offs and pick ups stressful (to the point that I wanted to stop sending my DS to nursery at all). Has she got a partner you could talk to, maybe they can support more?

Starrystarrylights · 08/12/2022 22:19

Depending on the dynamic between you, I'd either help until the holidays or ask her when she thinks she'll be able to take over as you're being pulled in different directions.

No one has any way of knowing if she really feels up to it or not. She may not realise it's putting you out and this is a misunderstanding. Baby brain.

LemonSwan · 08/12/2022 22:21

It did take me a long time to recover from my c. But she needs to be doing that 10 minute walk. That is part of the recovery!

abw94 · 08/12/2022 22:22

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/12/2022 21:13

She's using you. 3 days after my c section I was doing the 20 minute walk on the school run twice a day!

😂😂😂😂😂 wow.

Snowoctopus · 09/12/2022 02:50

It took me months to recover from an emergency caesarean, it was a full year until I was pain free!

user432900976 · 09/12/2022 03:44

That's ridiculous. Did she not consider this when deciding to have another child and c section?

I had an emergency c section and had 0 support so had no option but to do everything alone including taking the underground on day 6 albeit using crutches.

Pinkbluebells · 09/12/2022 04:13

I ended up having a very bad bleed at 5 weeks post caesarean. (We had to have the carpet commercially cleaned!) The specialist told me I was doing too much and as the wound healed it contracted and it was easier to start a bad bleed. I was fine over short distances but a 10 minute walk there and back would have been too much at that stage. So not everbody is out walking with a pram three days later.

stuntbubbles · 09/12/2022 04:21

Pinkbluebells · 09/12/2022 04:13

Same! My scar opened and got infected around eight weeks, I had to have antibiotics, I couldn’t wear the baby in the sling and needed help with the pram, and had to walk sloooooooowly. Ten minutes would have taken me half an hour and I’d have needed to rest hugely afterwards. Everyone’s body and recovery is different.

I was still in hospital on day five and only went for my first gentle walk on day 12; the idea of bouncing back at day 3 is totally alien to my experience.

OP, talk to your friend.

MadamMaltesers · 09/12/2022 04:41

I had a c sec two weeks ago and have been as far as the corner shop. I went about 10 days after my section and regretted it. I was not ready at all. It's my 2nd section and from what I remember I was out and about after 6 weeks the first time although was not walking any where too far or doing anything strenuous. Everyone's recovery is different.

I would just be honest with your friend and just say you cannot continue you have done more than enough already.

Itsabitnotcold · 09/12/2022 04:52

I was not back to business as usual at 6 weeks, I don't think I could even stand upright! Although I was doing absolutely everything for baby and home. It was months before I could stop taking painkillers though, I wish someone (my husband?!) Would have helped me.

Rumplestrumpet · 09/12/2022 05:14

Gosh some really harsh words for the new mum, unbelievable! So some of you recovered quickly and we're back down the mines within 24 hrs, good for you 🙄

OP you're not obliged to help her, but I think it's really nice that you have. While I could have coped with more when my youngest was born, I was so grateful for that extra sleep when my husband took both kids each morning to do the school run because he was working from home.

So yes, the mum in this case probably could manage the school and nursery run, but I'm sure your help has made a big difference to her recovery, so well done to you.

It's also ok to say you've had enough now and want to go back to walking with your kids. If you're able to hang on until the Christmas holidays I think that would be a lovely kind gesture.

Lmgify · 09/12/2022 05:27

Depends on the circumstances and each individual surely? I had major complications and didn’t leave the hospital till 10 days pp. at 7 weeks I would still struggle to lift my toddler to put in a car seat and a 10 min walk is out of the question.

LargeglassofRosePlease · 09/12/2022 05:33

encantorerun · 08/12/2022 22:08

Tricky - 6 weeks you're signed off to drive - i.e your stitches won't burst if you suddenly have to do an emergency break. But you're still very fragile at that time.

You feel very weak in your core. Hard to describe but you're just very aware of your stomach - I didn't feel strong. I couldn't stand for long periods of time, I was hunched over alot.

All the nerves and all the muscle are still knitting back together. So the 6 week mark is really where your risk of stitches bursting has diminished. Your whole insides, womb, layers of fat, nerve endings and muscle take months and months to properly repair.

However, at 8 weeks I'd be feeling guilty asking someone, so I would have been hobbling along. I did my first dog walk at 8 weeks post c section, so I was definitely up and about walking at that time.

So I'm on the fence - yes I can imagine she's still feeling very fragile because I was at the 8 week mark. But, conversely I was out walking my dogs because after 6 weeks I felt like I had to get on with it or be accused of the type of things people are saying here about your friend. So I gritted my teeth and got on with it. On the other side, that probably aided my recovery because they say moving prevents the build up of scar tissue and is good for you post c section.

I'd probably just ask her - I.e do you think by X date you'll be able to do the school run?

One midwife said to me - we're all built different, we all use different muscles to move. Someone who uses their back muscles more than their stomach muscles e.g when standing will find their recovery easier.

She was right. I use my stomach muscles to sit up in bed, and get off the sofa etc my recovery felt brutal. I simply wasn't able to move the way I used to. Recovering from my c section was a dark time.

Yes I agree with all of this.
I’ve had two sections- one emergency and one elective. Both very different recoveries although second was a lot worse- stitches completely burst open where I was doing far too much and I became very unwell and felt incredibly vulnerable. It was horrible.

fastandthecurious1 · 09/12/2022 05:45

Sounds like she's just enjoying the free time and no walking in the cold! By 6-8 she's definitely able to walk and should meek medical advice if not.

Maybe just make plans so you're not around and once she has to do it again hopefully she'll fall back into her routine.

PeopleAreTheWorst · 09/12/2022 05:49

To look at it from another angle could she be nervous about taking them all out on her own? I only ask has I had huge anxiety around taking all three of mine out for around 8 months after ds was born. I was scared that if any of them misbehaved I'd be judged.
It's probably not this and she just loves her chilled out mornings. As there's not a lot of time left before the Christmas hols could you just say, 'I'll do up to the end of term but next year I'll not be able to help'?

olympicsrock · 09/12/2022 06:30

I’ve had two c sections. I wasn’t fully recovered at 8 weeks , and was still takings things easy . Mostly importantly I was knackered and struggling with a new baby.

Help if you want to, don’t if you don’t . She’s not cheeky reaching out for support though

Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 06:34

No I don’t think she needs this kind of help 7wks on. I mean I had a major pancreas surgery in 2017 with lots of complications and I was able to manage without help by 8wks. I guess end of term is coming up, maybe in her mind she’s thinking she will use your help until then, and once Christmas is over she should be fine to get back to it. I’d help out this week, but I think if she asks again she’s taking the P. She’s very lucky to get so much help. School run you’re doing anyway no issue, but the 5pm nursery pick up, presume you’ve got other stuff to be doing then

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 09/12/2022 06:56

Op I don't see how we could possibly understand how she's feeling?
Each operations will be different?
How can we say or judge?@

DuchessofSandwich · 09/12/2022 07:24

By 6 weeks I could absolutely walk ten minutes, not as quick as before but good enough. I had an EMCS and did recover slower than some posters on here.

Can you ask her how her recovery is going?

SamanthaVimes · 09/12/2022 07:24

I had a vaginal birth with DD and an EMCS with DS. The c section recovery was significantly worse for me. I was certainly not back to normal by 6 weeks, I was so weak and wobbly, after the vaginal one I was ok after about 2 weeks.

That said, you’re not under any obligation to help her, you’ve been very kind to do so up to now but it’s definitely a favour rather than something you “should” do. Just say sorry you can’t do it any more if you don’t want to!

ChrisTrepidation · 09/12/2022 07:32

She's taking the piss.

I had a c section with my twins. I was in agony for weeks but had to get up and walk to the NICU within hours. Then I moved into hospital accommodation and has to walk the entire length of the hospital grounds several times a day!.

C sections are horrible and your are in a lot of pain afterwards but after so many weeks she needs to just get on with it.

Talking about her lovely lie in while you're organising her DC for you is tone deaf! Nip it in the bud or you'll be doing this for weeks to come.

Boooooot · 09/12/2022 07:33

Took me months to recover from my section!

I reckon it’s anxiety though. She’s not had to do the school run yet with the extra child.

Theydoyaknow · 09/12/2022 07:36

She is taking the absolute piss. She had got used to the help and is sucking the life out of it. I agree with one of the posters above saying that she just thinks you are helping in general rather than helping because she has had a section. I had 3 emergency sections and was up at and it within a few days as I had no help. I honestly think it helps you heal quicker. I will say however, had I had you there, I would have grabbed the help with both hands cozI was exhausted!

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