Husbands new friend…

[Hadenough2021]

Long story so I’ll be as brief as possible.

Husband runs a small team at work, for the last 10 years or so, all men. Just recently he poached a woman from another team and went on and on about her and how good she was etc. I didn’t think anything of it.

Fast forward a month or so, she’s now fully in his office daily and the early hours of one morning he calls out her name, repeatedly in his sleep. I sat up absolutely shocked for a few minutes, then led back down to go to sleep he then instinctively rolls over to hug me, gropes me and I realise thts an erection pressing against my back.

I fronted him about it, I got the standard ‘am I not allowed to have female friends’ and that I’m ‘just paranoid’ (I will mention here that he has form, 5 years ago) we spent a week or so barely speaking and it sort of got forgotten about.

So then fast forward to tonight. Not sure what possessed me (as I haven’t previously) but I went on his work phone. There must’ve been 100 messages exchanged today alone. In the main, work’ish’ related. But imo far too many flirty emojis 🙄) Mainly her slagging off other members of staff. But littered in between the worky messages are random things like he sent a load of pictures of his bike that he’s been trying to fix. Judging from her responses she’s not into cycling so he can’t have sent it for that reason. Then at like 730 this evening (he’d finished working by 530 because he was wfh) she’s sent a message saying ‘gosh just been outside for the first time today isn’t it nippy’ and whilst I was out at an appointment (and he’s watching our 5 month old baby) he’s found the time to reply. For context he doesn’t normally look at his work phone at all of an evening or weekend and now it’s attached to him.

So we’ve had the mumsnet famous ‘mentionitis’ since she came on the scene.
Calling out her name in his sleep.
All this non work texting
He’s had to recently have a whole new wardrobe of work clothes.
When we first had the baby he was wfh two days a week and now it’s hardly ever.
Work days are getting longer and longer yet in the next sentence he’s telling me it’s winding down for Christmas and really quiet at work.
And just for added context, she is married, to someone very senior in the same company. I’m not sure if that tells you she’s happy to sleep to get somewhere or that if it means it’s unlikely.

Help me out. Am I being paranoid? Because in my experience this is how it starts and given what happened 5 years ago I’m just not strong enough to go through it again.

Leaving is the only option. Counselling is for grown ups, not horny idiots.

You unhelpful miserable groat!

Agree with this. Counselling with this dude seems a waste of time going on what OP has shared.

I still don’t trust him but I probably never will. I don’t forgive easily. Things have been good though.

How can things be good when you don't and can't trust your spouse? That makes absolutely no sense.

I still don’t trust him but I probably never will. I don’t forgive easily. Things have been good though. We got married in 2020 and had another baby recently.

I genuinely can't fathom how these sentences go together

I still don’t trust him but I probably never will. I don’t forgive easily. Things have been good though

How? By being in denial about what kind of man he is? Doesn't make sense.

What emojis have they been using op?
I’m asking because I had a conversation about it with a colleague recently and her opinion was different to mine on emojis and flirty behaviour so I’m curious.

I agree with previous posters about monitoring the situation without letting him know you’re suspicious. You have access to his work phone now, you can see what he says, how he acts. It will either show you that you have a good husband who can be trusted…or show you his real side, depending how far he takes it.

if you confront him now you might end up wondering whether he’s hiding things in future.

@GaggleOfSwans in the nicest possible way go fuck yourself.

Oh my goodness he's a right one isn't he! Bide your time. Eggs in a row. Then wham when he's least expecting it dump him.

How is this helpful?

People are messy they have emotions they might do things other people think make no sense.

Be kind

What a dickhead comment. Well done.

Don’t let him gaslight you OP.
You know this isn’t right and any opportunity he’ll be after her….
As calmly as you can make your plans x

I’m glad you responded robustly to that unpleasant comment from a PP, OP.

Now, start channelling that strength in your home life.

Start by seeing a solicitor in the coming days to find out how the land lies practically and financially.

If he’s making a nuisance of himself with a senior man’s wife, he could be out of a job shortly. Extricate yourself asap.

He wants to put his dinky in her foof and you cannot trust him to the point where you have checked his phone more then once.

Sorry but this is not good. I wish you well and hope it can be worked through.

It's over.

He will shag her, or anyone else by the sounds of it, the second he gets chance.

I really hope you can muster some self respect and walk away.

@GaggleOfSwans go take a long walk off a short pier!

His method of chatting her up is to send her pictures of his bike??

Was that his tactic with the last woman he tried - and failed - with as well?

I have a feeling that he’s repeating the same mistake twice, I suspect this woman isn’t interested either and he will come on too strong. I’d be starting divorce proceedings asap. Once that’s in place I’d be ringing the husband of the lady who your ‘D’H is flirting with and dropping them both in it.

It's the sheer volume of the texts that stood out. That's emotional affair territory right there. Then add in the other things you mentioned. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I doubt either would do anything if she's married to a senior manager.

If he doesn't shag her, it'll be someone else. You can choose to live a life of suspicion and insecurity or you can make plans to leave. Get money stashed away and then dump him. Magnify your icky feelings about him rather than trying to reason them away.

I think you know YANBU OP.
Everything else aside, if she's married to someone high up in the company this has the potential to screw his job up too, which will also impact you and your Dc.
I hate the phrase but I would be getting my ducks in a row if I were you.

am I being paranoid? you ask.
Yes of course you are. Keep being married to that lovely husband of yours. You should grow old together.

There’s no need for more evidence in my opinion OP. He broke your trust 5 years ago and now he’s flirting with another woman over text messages, and probably in the flesh at work too.
You don’t need “evidence” to not trust him or not want to be with him. He’s made you feel inadequate and shitty twice now. Get rid of him, please xx