Husbands new friend…

[Hadenough2021]

Long story so I’ll be as brief as possible.

Husband runs a small team at work, for the last 10 years or so, all men. Just recently he poached a woman from another team and went on and on about her and how good she was etc. I didn’t think anything of it.

Fast forward a month or so, she’s now fully in his office daily and the early hours of one morning he calls out her name, repeatedly in his sleep. I sat up absolutely shocked for a few minutes, then led back down to go to sleep he then instinctively rolls over to hug me, gropes me and I realise thts an erection pressing against my back.

I fronted him about it, I got the standard ‘am I not allowed to have female friends’ and that I’m ‘just paranoid’ (I will mention here that he has form, 5 years ago) we spent a week or so barely speaking and it sort of got forgotten about.

So then fast forward to tonight. Not sure what possessed me (as I haven’t previously) but I went on his work phone. There must’ve been 100 messages exchanged today alone. In the main, work’ish’ related. But imo far too many flirty emojis 🙄) Mainly her slagging off other members of staff. But littered in between the worky messages are random things like he sent a load of pictures of his bike that he’s been trying to fix. Judging from her responses she’s not into cycling so he can’t have sent it for that reason. Then at like 730 this evening (he’d finished working by 530 because he was wfh) she’s sent a message saying ‘gosh just been outside for the first time today isn’t it nippy’ and whilst I was out at an appointment (and he’s watching our 5 month old baby) he’s found the time to reply. For context he doesn’t normally look at his work phone at all of an evening or weekend and now it’s attached to him.

So we’ve had the mumsnet famous ‘mentionitis’ since she came on the scene.
Calling out her name in his sleep.
All this non work texting
He’s had to recently have a whole new wardrobe of work clothes.
When we first had the baby he was wfh two days a week and now it’s hardly ever.
Work days are getting longer and longer yet in the next sentence he’s telling me it’s winding down for Christmas and really quiet at work.
And just for added context, she is married, to someone very senior in the same company. I’m not sure if that tells you she’s happy to sleep to get somewhere or that if it means it’s unlikely.


Help me out. Am I being paranoid? Because in my experience this is how it starts and given what happened 5 years ago I’m just not strong enough to go through it again.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He's planning to shag her but you know that.

Sorry

[LittleMG]

I would NOT like that. Not one bit.

[LifesABotch]

YANBU

[Aquamarine1029]

It's not paranoia if you're not wrong. You're not wrong. Your husband is playing with fire and about to pour petrol all over it.

[tinyorchid]

What happened 5 years ago?

That aside, it doesn't sound good.
Trust your gut.

[Merryoldgoat]

He’ll be fucking her if he ever gets a chance.

[CrummyScrumpkin]

I felt my own gut wrench reading this... no advice sorry. But don't let him manipulate you. His behaviour is not acceptable.

[Mirrorcell]

Did you resolve the 5 year ago incident properly? I’m sorry it doesn’t look good.

[LolaSmiles]

YANBU
This isn't a case of a partner (you) preventing female friends. It's a case of him having inappropriately low boundaries with a new female colleagues and magically changing his work pattern while you're at home with a baby.

[ICanHideButICantRun]

What happened previously?

If he does have an affair with her and that guy finds out, what would be the consequences? Because the way I'm looking at it, in a very short while he might be cheating and unemployed.

[Dacadactyl]

No way. I would be hitting the roof with him. In answer to his question: no, he can't have female friends cos he clearly can't be trusted.

[Hadenough2021]

For those asking what happened previously. He went on a works Xmas party and ‘attempted’ to cheat. She wasnt interested so it’s not fair to say he actually cheated. He just came home hammered (actually I picked him up in the middle of night) and his phone was going off loads and when I went to text his mate back to say he was home I unlocked his phone to see messages he’d sent this woman. She wasn’t interested and just blocked him. But it’s a small town and I later heard about how he was absolutely hammered handing out business cards to women and basically made a complete fool or himself and me.

[tinyorchid]

With the update, my view is: I'm sorry but it's only a matter of time before he cheats.

This is not someone to build a life with. He will not bring out the best in you.

You only have one life. Please, do the right thing. It is not easy, but. You know what that is.

[Hadenough2021]

@GaggleOfSwans we were in the middle of buying a house which I think impacted it. He basically promised to stop drinking (which he did) and said he would work to build up the trust again. I still don’t trust him but I probably never will. I don’t forgive easily. Things have been good though. We got married in 2020 and had another baby recently.

[Hadenough2021]

And to add to that I haven’t had any concerns between 5 years ago and now.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He did it while buying a house last time and with a new baby this time.

That looks calculated to be when you feel most 'trapped'. He's a total arsehole.

[Shahira78]

'She wasnt interested so it’s not fair to say he actually cheated'

So you're saying he would have of she had been intetested?

Are you joking?

[Omgmykidsneversleep]

@tinyorchid

With the update, my view is: I'm sorry but it's only a matter of time before he cheats.

This is not someone to build a life with. He will not bring out the best in you.

You only have one life. Please, do the right thing. It is not easy, but. You know what that is.

I was going to write similar but this poster said it more eloquently. How awful for you OP. I'd be making quiet plans to ditch him. You deserve better than that.

[Annabananna1]

He's not to be trusted.

If you 'need more evidence' before you leave him, don't let on that you've looked through the phone or suspect anything. He'll start covering his tracks.

Take some time to decide what to do with the information that you have. He's planning and hoping to cheat, if he gets the chance. It's clear.

[Aquamarine1029]

@Hadenough2021

And to add to that I haven’t had any concerns between 5 years ago and now.

It's even worse now. Sadly, you should have kicked him to the kerb 5 years ago.

[butterfliedtwo]

He calls out her name in his sleep and has an erection following. I mean ... he clearly wants to shag this woman. Of course, you're not paranoid.

[tinyorchid]

Counselling is the only option. Good luck. For your children's sake OP.

[Fancylike]

@Annabananna1

He's not to be trusted.

If you 'need more evidence' before you leave him, don't let on that you've looked through the phone or suspect anything. He'll start covering his tracks.

Take some time to decide what to do with the information that you have. He's planning and hoping to cheat, if he gets the chance. It's clear.

Agree with this. Stay alert, but don’t let him know that you’re on to him. It sounds like he’d happily cheat if anyone else would have him. You deserve better.

How’s your savings situation? I’d start keeping track of what he’s spending on too, and make sure he’s not emptying out any shared pot trying to impress her.