If you ask someone what they want as a present then you should get that

[Wedonttalkaboutboris]

I might just be hangry and I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable if so…

Trying not to be too outing as I have an inkling that this relative uses mumsnet.

A relative asked us what we needed for baby DD2 for a Christmas present. My husband sent them a link to the exact thing that we would be needing soon. In case it’s relevant this was something well within relatives budget (£20 present, 6+ figure salary).

The present arrived today and they’ve basically bought a cheap version/variation of what we asked for that won’t work.

We’re really having to think about what we spend at the moment and this now means we’ll have to buy the original thing we asked for. Dh caught me looking up the original thing pretty much 10 minutes after I’d opened the parcel and called me ungrateful.

AIBU to think that if you ask someone what they need/want you should actually then get what they asked for?

Backstory, which might be further clouding my view of this, is that this close relative didn’t send so much as a card for birth of DD- which I also thought was rude.

This drives me crazy. It always makes me wonder “why waste time asking me then”?

I was asked about a gift knowing if I didn’t say anything, I’d end up with something I didn’t want and I sent a link for a vase from IKEA that was a 10 min drive from their home and they had to pass it to get to their daughter’s home who they see several times a week. IKEA is quite far from me and the vase was £1. Some type of smellies were given instead (I have dry, sensitive skin and stay away from gift sets so donated them to the charity box at Boots) and having seen the items in Boots knew they definitely more than a £1 glass vase.

My mother also does this. Asked me what I wanted her to bring over from the States. Told her exactly what I wanted (specific bag of spicy crisps and cornbread) and she came back with two bags of a different version of crisps than what I asked for because she prefers that one yet bought me the cornbread I wanted and told me she prefers a different one but didn’t get that. The look on her face when I asked her to explain her thought process was priceless. She could have brought the bag I asked for and the bag she preferred so I could at least taste them and compare.

Again, why ask if they’re just going to do what they want anyway?

YANBU. This exact thing happened to me with a baby gift.
Family member said “you have £100 to spend, what would you like?”
I sent the link to the item I really needed for baby, which was way under budget. Family member bought me £100 worth of bottles, dummies and toiletries. All of which I didn’t need as I was breastfeeding and the other things just aren’t useful . Was an absolute waste.

It depends what it is but on the face of it you are being unreasonable! its a gift! They aren't obliged to get anything at all.

We had a relative like this when the children were younger.

One day they called and caught me on a bad day. Without thinking I responded to their request for a Christmas list for our four children with

• why? Every Christmas, every birthday I spend time putting together a list with choices on and online links to make it easier for you and every single time you totally ignore it and buy stuff they didn't ask for and don't want. Just do your thing, the children will be polite as usual and the stuff will be donated to an appropriate charity within weeks.

They were upset and spoke to my partner about it. He gave a list and they bought from it.
Yes, I apologised. I was on day 3 of 4 sick children, partner was overseas for work and i was exhausted.

Sometimes the blunt response works.

Agreed.

I've stopped sending links to things they have on their list because so many times we have been asked what they would like and then they have ignored and bought something completely different.

I'm grateful for the thought and money spent but now just give a general idea of what they like and sort the list presents myself.

I’m trying to think about consumption and waste and not buying unnecessary things for others or bringing things into my house that I don’t have a want/need/use for. As a result, I am very very happy to buy people exactly what they ask for, and to give specifics to people if they ask me what I would like. (For my last birthday for example I wanted a very specific backpack that I had diligently researched, and was so pleased to receive it!)

Being as generous as possible, perhaps they didn’t realise that you wanted that very specific product and thought a similar version would be fine. But I do get that it’s frustrating!

I don't get people like this at all
Asked someone what DC wanted for Xmas earlier within 30 seconds of the answer I'd been on Amazon and ordered
I love when things are simple!

YANBU. All the mental load for none of the benefit.

I asked for particular gift vouchers last year - for a shop that has a tall range and sells clothes I like.

Received vouchers for a brand that thinks everyone is 5'5", 19, and apparently loves backless everything.

My husband wants to be the person who comes up with the brilliant, insightful, thoughtful gift but also wants a list.

I refuse to give one any more, because it means I have to defer buying things I want for a month only to discover he's invented things to buy instead.

Some years ago I worked for Wedgwood and we used to have wedding lists of things that the Happy couple had chosen. Several times people came in perused the list, looked at the glass or china chosen and said "I could get something very similar in Argos, I'm going there instead"
We all knew that the bride and groom would prefer one bone china plate to a box of earthenware china but you just had to smile and get on with it.

This is exactly how I feel - I do get that it’s slightly less “romantic” than thinking up the perfect gift yourself, but I love simple!

It depends. How much like the original is it? Is it the same item but different make or is it like asking for a coffee machine and getting a travel kettle? If its the first, I'd just like to think they didn't think it mattered so much if they didnt get the exact same one ,and they found that one first and bought it. If its a totally different thing, I would be a bit disappointed.

I hate this so much.

Last year we gave specific things and we ended up with massive expensive beige toys we have no room for and DD isn't interested in, she likes the smaller flashy noisy ones.

Ive given lists this year again after people asked for them , and said I specifically nothing big and someone has bought a big thing. I've already bought a big item we'd accounted space for and now we have no room for our items. And the things I'd originally asked for was to go with the big item we'd bought so had to go out and buy that seperately now. Said person says we never sent a list but they responded!

Reminds me of a frequent conversation I have with DP.

Him: shall I buy x?
Me: no because it's really expensive, we don't have the space to store and we'll used it once a year.

Said item then turns up a few days later.

Me: why did you ask my opinion on whether we should buy it and then ignore me?!
Him: I wanted to have it.

@thecatsthecats YANBU. All the mental load for none of the benefit.

Omg this really hits the nail on the head.

Attitudes like this show that for some people, gift giving is about them and not the recipient.

Why would you want to give someone something they don't want? Why bother?

Ffs, how much mental load is involved in answering the question “What do you want?”

I was asked weeks ago for a Christmas list for DS, which I provided along with a request that they let me know what they didn't get so that I could get some if it.

I was told only this week that they'd got NONE of it and now it's all sold out.

Luckily I held some stuff back that I bought myself, so at least he will get some of what he asked for.

I struggled to come up with 5 things and then was asked for another 5. It's hard for some of us 🤷🏽‍♀️ I usually just buy the things that I want so I have them already

It’s not just the ‘mental load’ it is also the disrespect felt that someone doesn’t have the time or knowledge to think what you might a guy like or need or want, then having delegates the task to the recipient, further disrespect is then given by ignoring what the fifteenth has asked for. It’s become a duty gift, not a gift given because the gifted wants to gift. No one wants a duty or pity gift, especially when a child will be disappointed and the parent/guardian has deal with that and disposing of an unwanted gift.
Either you give a gift because you have at least put some thought into it, rather than delegating the thought process or just don’t bother, if you have zero intention of honour the request you originally asked the recipient to make.

Giftee not fifteenth. Apologies.

I hate this also. I had a close relative ask me if I would like a voucher for somewhere as a gift and I stated primark because I had little money and needed some basics like pants, socks, pyjamas and knew I could get what I needed.

Instead I got a next voucher because they thought it would be better quality, well yes I suppose but I can't get what I need so why bother asking me.

I agree with this. It was you who set the price limit? They may not have a lot of disposable income. They got you what you asked for just a cheaper version of the same thing.

No matter what we got for DD I was grateful. I don't set other people's gift budgets.

My kids have 'suggestion' lists. They might get a few things on it and a few things not on it but if you passed on the link of the actual thing you wanted that's a bit weird, maybe it was unavailable?