If you ask someone what they want as a present then you should get that

[Wedonttalkaboutboris]

I might just be hangry and I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable if so…

Trying not to be too outing as I have an inkling that this relative uses mumsnet.

A relative asked us what we needed for baby DD2 for a Christmas present. My husband sent them a link to the exact thing that we would be needing soon. In case it’s relevant this was something well within relatives budget (£20 present, 6+ figure salary).

The present arrived today and they’ve basically bought a cheap version/variation of what we asked for that won’t work.

We’re really having to think about what we spend at the moment and this now means we’ll have to buy the original thing we asked for. Dh caught me looking up the original thing pretty much 10 minutes after I’d opened the parcel and called me ungrateful.

AIBU to think that if you ask someone what they need/want you should actually then get what they asked for?

Backstory, which might be further clouding my view of this, is that this close relative didn’t send so much as a card for birth of DD- which I also thought was rude.

The present arrived today and they’ve basically bought a cheap version/variation of what we asked for that won’t work.

Id assume the fact that they bought a cheap version means they did not want to spend as much as what you suggested. The fact that you think that budget is reasonable based on their income doesn't mean its what they planned to spend.

That said - i think it's a reasonable amount. I just have similar experience that BiL and PiL (all loaded) never spend much on our DC. They choose things that cost a fiver in poundland/online or
in a charity shop. They obviously just don't really think its necessary to spend money on gifts for kids as they do spend quite a bit on adult gifts.

Someone did this to me recently. I asked for a shower oil (I think it's about £25) and they got me a full advent calendar from that brand. So, spent about 3 times more on a load of stuff that I won't use, in silly sizes, and with a ton of unnecessary packaging.

This was after they had insisted on buying me a gift, I'd told him not to bother at all.

@ArrrrrghStopLickingTheDog You’ve summed up exactly how I’m feeling!

SIL does this every year for DC gifts, asks to see the list, chooses things off it and then never buys them (drives me insane)

She ALWAYS seems to choose 2 things that DC really want too, I’ve tried leaving them off the list so she started going round me and asking in-laws what the DC have asked for etc and then texting me saying I’m getting x,y, z for DC but never actually it’s them

i normally get a text 2/3 days before Christmas/birthday saying she “couldn’t get” them so she’s bought plastic tat instead 🙄🙄🙄

(I’ve actually started ordering whatever she chooses myself now on Amazon with the idea of sending them back if by some miracle she does buy them - never needed to send anything back yet)

• never actually gets them

I think it's really rude to ask for such a specific item, as you have no idea how much they are intending to spend or where they might want to shop - they may have Christmas saving in vouchers or similar that they can only spend in certain shops.

If your desires are so specific then you need to provide that for your child yourself imo. Vague suggestions that cover a variety of price points such as 'age 3 pyjamas', 'craft stuff' etc would ensure that your dc got something useful/enjoyable but being so prescriptive to send a link feels so grabby

Totally get this. I made a list for my birthday after being disappointed with completely crap presents. And still got a complete load of crap. What is the fucking point of making a list? The amount this relative spent on the crap would have equalled 2 of the presents on my actual list that I actually really wanted. Infuriating when I always stick to their gift requests. So I’m buying them crap for Christmas.

Agree it’s highly annoying. Basically you are being asked to do their shopping, then done even reap any benefit what so ever! Ex friend was an Olympic gold medalist at doing this, eventually (thanks to col), I have managed to dissuade her from buying me anything, however she has decided that as we are no longer doing presents, she no longer wants to be friends - bit if an eye opener and I guess a win/win situation.

My DM does this too. Im sure she sees it as a challenge to find what you asked but cheaper, regardless of whether it's what you actually want.
I agree that maybe they couldn't, or didn't want to spend as much as what you asked for. Even on a good wage they might not have much disposable income. Or they might just think they've found a better priced alternative. Can you really not make use of it?

I don’t really understand why people do this. I have 2 nephews over age of 5 but under 10, an age that’s hard to buy for I think. My sister sends me a link, I buy it. I wrap it. Job done and minimum effort on either side. So much more convent for all involved! Being sent a link makes the whole thing so much easier as it saves any disappointment.

I always get the right one if something specific has been requested, it's been requested for a reason whether it's because it's a specific size, features, a different one in their collection, or they just prefer how that version looks.

I have a family member who is quite funny, has a budget and I know roughly what that budget is, I used to ask for one thing that was priced to fill said budget because it was something I wanted/needed that I couldn't afford myself, but they would say it's too expensive.

Then come Christmas/birthday I would get a main present (either a cheaper version of what I'd asked for, or the cheaper thing I had suggested instead) and a few other gifts that would total (if not more) the amount of the thing I had asked for 😂😂

I'm never ungrateful, the other little presents are always enjoyed, I just always found it amusing that I couldn't have the one thing at that price but I could have multiple things that added up to that much or more

Just don't tell them something inconsequential next time. I have a relative who does this. I just make sure I buy the things I know my dc want and tell relative something random....which they won't buy anyway and my dc are none the wiser and don't miss out on the thing the really wanted. I appreciate it's annoying to get unwanted gifts but at the end of the day if they didn't get you any gift you'd have to buy the thing you wanted anyway.

Well best they get nothing then, because not only does OP have to get it herself, she now has to figure out what to do with a useless gift.

My mother does this. Asks me first, buys a cheaper alternative then adds cheap toiletries i wont use, to make up to the same value. EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!

I'm not a fan of gift requests over lists - where someone sends the exact make or model they want. Personally it feels forced and not the point of a gift where I'm choosing something I think you'd like, with an element of surprise. So fine to request a "princess barbie" but would rather not be given a Argos Link to "Super Princess Belle Barbie".

So I can see they've deviated if they perceive gift lists as ideas rather than "demands".

That said, I also get that some things are just exact. If I ask for a water bottle, there's no point getting me a microwave warmer teddy (partly as I don't have microwave) for instance. And kids can be exacting...so while I dislike a specific link....I'd would still get as asked (or conspire with other relatives for them to get it so I could still choose a gift). - so YANBU in expecting what you asked for...

How will they take it, if you explain - "it's lovely but its not compatible with x device/doesn't fit here/have the specific function - we definitely don't want it to go to waste...can you please buy what we asked change it." ?

Going forward...it seems they have a track record...rather than entrusting them with a specific gift in future, send them gifts ideas that you're not as bothered by if they go off piste.

YANBU

My teens tend to ask for clothes now from grandparents. DS asked for jeans. Sent her a link saying dark denim, straight cut & size. She bought skinny, 2 sizes too small. He's never going to wear them! Waste of money and effort!

DD asked for an oodie. Too expensive but I showed grandparents cheaper versions with links. She thought they were too big and chose a fitted fleece hoodie instead. MISSED THE FUCKING POINT!!!!! But she refuses to change this one so it's a complete waste that we have to pretend to be grateful for.

I just don't get why? If the recipient doesn't like the gift, why waste your money? It's like the social faux pas to ask for a gift receipt. I'd much rather someone asked to exchange a gift then me just wasting money on something they'll never use.

But isn't the point of a gift to make the recipient happy? What if they don't want an element of surprise, but really want/need a specific version of something and you've bought them very nearly the right thing but not quite, so now they need to either use something that doesn't completely work for them, or get rid of it and hope you don't notice AND buy the thing they wanted all along.

I know it feels lovely when you buy someone something and they absolutely love it, but if you ask for a suggestion, you should be prepared for (and content with) specifics.

Yanbu it's rude and lazy to ask but then buy a cheap shitty version especially when you've agreed the price before hand.

They're being selfish tight-arses.

You say that side of family are all like that, so prob been brought up that way & not being intentionally rude/awkward, they just can't help themselves if it's in their nature.

I would always buy the exact thing, especially if you sent a link! And I prob earn less than a 1/4 of them

That's funny. I asked for an Elizabethan ruff made out of muppet skin and all I got was this scarf 😆

I'd be interested to know what the item is that you need but only costs £20 and a cheaper version won't work.

If DP is saying you're ungrateful, are you sure you're not just being precious about the brand?

With those types, I always now just ask them to buy my kids some nice pyjamas in X size.
No point wasting good gift suggestions on them and risk disappointment on the day

You’re not being ungrateful it is very frustrating. Also when people ask what they can get DC so I tell them something that DC wants and then they don’t bother buying it. So now I didn’t buy it and they didn’t buy it and DC doesn’t get what they want for their birthday! Very irritating!

Return it or sell it?