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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable with expectations

58 replies

Lyly86 · 07/12/2022 10:42

Hi, it’s my first post on here so I apologise for my lack of knowledge around acronyms etc!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half, he’s 35 and I’m 36, neither of us has children and we own our home homes separately, I live in Birmingham and he lives in Coventry. A couple of months ago I ended things because we weren’t moving forward and spent minimal time together. As an example, we would each work from home separately all week and then in the evenings, Tuesday night he would be at football training, Wednesday night he’d be at darts, Saturday from 11am-6pm was football, Sunday evening he’d be with his parents, and then with his family another night during the week. Over the past couple of months he’s been unofficially living at my house so we work together during the day, and then he continues with his hobbies and activities outside of that. However we have now broken up again because he said he’s neglecting his friends and needs more time with them, and at the same point is still unwilling to officially have us live together because he said the relationship needs to improve and that I have no trust in him. I’ve explained that I completely trust him other than any occasions that he gets over the top drunk (he’s cheated on an ex before whilst drunk and having seen him in this state he is completely out of control of his behaviour).

I feel really unappreciated as whilst he’s been unofficially living with me I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, buy him the food/drinks etc that he likes and buy him little gifts to show that I care. He washes up after dinner and takes the dog out to the toilet but I think he’s got a pretty easy life, he hasn’t had to fully commit to me and now wants to spend even more time away because he’s missing his friends, however we have minimal time together as it is. I’m 36 and would love to have children which he’s also not ready for as he says we have to buy a house together etc first so I feel like this is all such a dead end. I’ve broken up with him but I miss him terribly, I felt like he was the love of my life and my best friend, we laugh so much together and get on ridiculously well. I also have nearly £2k worth of Christmas presents that I’d bought him and really don’t want to throw our relationship away if there’s a chance that I might be in the wrong! Other than everything I’ve mentioned he’s a lovely guy, he’s talented, funny and very intelligent. Help please!!!

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 07/12/2022 10:45

Gently OP-I don't think he's the one for you. He's telling you both by his actions, the things he is prioritising over you and his lack of wanting to plan for the future that he doesn't want the same things as you.

Sorry. I know it's hard when you love someone and on paper they're perfect but don't you deserve someone who willingly gives his time to you and wants a future with you?

DrManhattan · 07/12/2022 10:53

I wouldn't pursue it. Maybe return some of those Christmas gifts?

My2pence2day · 07/12/2022 10:54

If you're having these issues now, it'll only get worse. You've done the right thing. Don't look back! Smile

Stompythedinosaur · 07/12/2022 11:18

If you want kids, you need to move forwards with a partner who wants this and to settle down. He doesn't sound like he wants that. Also, don't have a baby with a man who doesn't pull his weight around the house.

OrigamiOwls · 07/12/2022 11:28

He's having an easy life because you're dancing to his tune and he's keeping you dangling around. Cut your losses here and move on.

MRSDoos · 07/12/2022 11:28

Just from what you’ve said in your OP I do not think the relationship is going to work out and I think you are potentially going to waste valuable time trying to make this work when it is unlikely too.

Also, at 36 you could potentially waste a year or two on the relationship and then miss the “biological clock” to have children in the future.

There is nothing wrong with hobbies or seeing friends but it sounds like he is not fully ready for the relationship settling down kind of thing that I can tell you want.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 07/12/2022 11:29

He’s an arsehole. You deserve so much better. Get rid.

Stag82 · 07/12/2022 11:38

You are completely unreasonable to put up with this shit.

You could buy a dish washer, hire a dog walker for less… what else does he bring to the table?

CactusOrange · 07/12/2022 11:40

I'm not a keen LTBer but honestly, get rid. I can't see what you're getting out of this and adding children into the situation will only make it worse. Find someone who is on the same page as you.

Fuwari · 07/12/2022 11:43

You're only currently dating and seeing his "best self". So if this is him at his best, how would things be long term? He's not interested in settling down, he's telling you that quite clearly. At 35 he has time. At 36, you do not. Unfortunately that's how it is. You've done the hardest bit, breaking up with him. This is just post break up jitters. Don't give into it.

littlemousebigcheese · 07/12/2022 11:44

I say this kindly, but move on. You will forever be compromising for this man and settling. You deserve better. He's told you how he feels, now you just need to be strong and let it go

MangoBiscuit · 07/12/2022 11:46

Your expectations are fine OP, but I doubt he's ever going to try to reach them. Why would he? He has a cushy life right now. The fact that it's making you feel sad and unappreciated isn't enough for him to want to change anything about it. Sorry OP.

MavisMcMinty · 07/12/2022 11:57

You want children, this man doesn’t, “yet”. Surely there’s your answer? If you resent his nights out and hobbies now, imagine how much more resentful you’ll feel when you’re doing everything round the house AND caring for a baby? Don’t buy a house with him, unless you keep and rent out your current one.

waterrat · 07/12/2022 12:00

When someone tells you who they are...believe them

Hes Not a nice person Op. He knows what you want and is dangling just a hint of a crap relationship sonhe can keep things going on his terms

You sound like you have low self esteem to consider pursuing this. Get some therapy and swap the gifts for a holiday with a friend

waterrat · 07/12/2022 12:01

And someone who makes you feel sad and disappointed and anxious a lot of the time ..and who doesnt want to commit ..move in or have babies ...is not the love of your life. Trust me.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/12/2022 12:02

End it. He’s not the one for you.

poefaced · 07/12/2022 12:02

He has checked out and is suing you. He will
not marry you.

You would be an utter mug to give him those presents.

Tell him to move back home and whilst you decide what to do, date him if you want to.

poefaced · 07/12/2022 12:02

Using not suing!

Appleblum · 07/12/2022 12:04

You're not compatible, sorry. I'd cut my losses.

Ragruggers · 07/12/2022 12:04

I would return the gifts and buy yourself something you would love.Stop wasting your time,you already know this.The gifts won’t make him think differently.Would he spend that much on you ?Time to move on I think.You can do this and you have only known him a short time he sounds very childish.

autienotnaughty · 07/12/2022 12:08

An oldie but true "it's not you , it's him" you sound like a fantastic gf hold out for someone who deserves you. If this is it now it will only get worse the more committed you get. Not better.

Forfrigz · 07/12/2022 12:28

Fuwari · 07/12/2022 11:43

You're only currently dating and seeing his "best self". So if this is him at his best, how would things be long term? He's not interested in settling down, he's telling you that quite clearly. At 35 he has time. At 36, you do not. Unfortunately that's how it is. You've done the hardest bit, breaking up with him. This is just post break up jitters. Don't give into it.

This is a bit misleading for men, it's often said that mid thirties is the cut off for women to have children but men age faster, their reproductive quality goes down at the same rate and they also die earlier, so it is not more acceptable for men to have children later.

Forfrigz · 07/12/2022 12:29

OP it's hard to let go of something you thought might work out bur it wasn't working out. The only way to make way for something that will is to move on. How did he respond to breaking it off? He doesn't seem very invested.

SnackyOnassis · 07/12/2022 12:41

Ah OP, it does sound like it's the post breakup doubt. But you've done the right thing - if he wanted to be with you, nothing on earth would keep you apart. Focus on you and what you want - a family, a partner (an equal, sharing and balanced partner - that makes all the difference) and someone who adores you.

My Christmas wish for you is that this time next year you read back over this thread and how you're feeling right now and think 'MAN, I had no idea the amazing year that was just ahead of me, I'm so glad I stuck to my guns', before turning around to your new lovely partner WHO IS HOLDING AN ENGAGEMENT RING OUT TO YOU WITH A HOPEFUL LOOK...

(right, I've gone a bit romcom there, but 'tis the season. Good luck OP, good things are coming!)

rwalker · 07/12/2022 12:48

I wouldn’t say he’s the bad guy but you both have different expectations what you want out of a relationship
your looking long term and kids
he’s just wants a girlfriend
it screams loud and clear not arsed about having kids
move on