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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable with expectations

58 replies

Lyly86 · 07/12/2022 10:42

Hi, it’s my first post on here so I apologise for my lack of knowledge around acronyms etc!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half, he’s 35 and I’m 36, neither of us has children and we own our home homes separately, I live in Birmingham and he lives in Coventry. A couple of months ago I ended things because we weren’t moving forward and spent minimal time together. As an example, we would each work from home separately all week and then in the evenings, Tuesday night he would be at football training, Wednesday night he’d be at darts, Saturday from 11am-6pm was football, Sunday evening he’d be with his parents, and then with his family another night during the week. Over the past couple of months he’s been unofficially living at my house so we work together during the day, and then he continues with his hobbies and activities outside of that. However we have now broken up again because he said he’s neglecting his friends and needs more time with them, and at the same point is still unwilling to officially have us live together because he said the relationship needs to improve and that I have no trust in him. I’ve explained that I completely trust him other than any occasions that he gets over the top drunk (he’s cheated on an ex before whilst drunk and having seen him in this state he is completely out of control of his behaviour).

I feel really unappreciated as whilst he’s been unofficially living with me I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, buy him the food/drinks etc that he likes and buy him little gifts to show that I care. He washes up after dinner and takes the dog out to the toilet but I think he’s got a pretty easy life, he hasn’t had to fully commit to me and now wants to spend even more time away because he’s missing his friends, however we have minimal time together as it is. I’m 36 and would love to have children which he’s also not ready for as he says we have to buy a house together etc first so I feel like this is all such a dead end. I’ve broken up with him but I miss him terribly, I felt like he was the love of my life and my best friend, we laugh so much together and get on ridiculously well. I also have nearly £2k worth of Christmas presents that I’d bought him and really don’t want to throw our relationship away if there’s a chance that I might be in the wrong! Other than everything I’ve mentioned he’s a lovely guy, he’s talented, funny and very intelligent. Help please!!!

OP posts:
Autumntimeagain · 07/12/2022 13:07

OP, he's just a bloody cocklodger !

He has you running around after him, doing his laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc as well as buying him stuff 'just because', and he 'does the dishes' ????

And now he wants to spend more time with his mates ???

Nah, fuck that !

he's not even remotely 'relationship' material ! Never mind potential husband/Father material ffs ! He's just a selfish, arrogant pig !

Get your money back on the (extortionate) Xmas presents for him and book yourself a damn holiday instead !

RealBecca · 07/12/2022 13:13

Dead end relationship. Dump. You cant earn love by being the "perfect wife".

ChateauMargaux · 07/12/2022 13:18

"I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, buy him the food/drinks etc that he likes and buy him little gifts to show that I care." and he does very little in return.. tip the balance in your favour and put yourself first. Only let someone into your life if they bring as much as you give.

Dacadactyl · 07/12/2022 13:18

You are TOTALLY wasting your time with him.

He sounds like an absolute manchild. If you have any sense at all you won't procreate with him.

And....2k on Christmas presents for him?! For a man who wouldnt commit to me (at his age!) after 18 months together?! No way.

TiaraBoo · 07/12/2022 13:25

He doesn’t want to live with you.
He doesn’t want to have children with you.

He is not the person you desperately want him to be.

You don’t need to be doing all the housework, shopping etc and buying him gifts to make him want you.
Return the gifts and use the money to pamper yourself and maybe get some therapy on building up your self esteem.

CousinKrispy · 07/12/2022 13:31

Oh OP I'm so sorry, this must be very painful for you.

I know it's easy for me to say, but really this relationship doesn't sound like the right fit for you. He doesn't want the same level of commitment and time together as you, he drinks excessively and his behaviour becomes out of control when he does so, he takes advantage of you around domestic labour ...

You need to do two things. 1) remain broken up with him, this isn't the right relationship for you. Try to return the gifts or at least donate them to charity. 2) do some soul-searching to figure out why you didn't value yourself more in this relationship, so you don't make the same mistake (or worse) the next time. You absolutely deserve a partner who is responsible and committed to you and who is fair and kind and loving and respectful. Intelligent, funny, and talented doesn't mean a thing if he can't also be loving and respectful to you. Maybe see if you can get some counseling to help you with this, does your employer offer anything for free?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 07/12/2022 13:32

Hie is a part time cocklodger with hobbies and a hint of future faking. I am afraid he is not a good fellow at all.

Original poster
Lyly86 · 07/12/2022 13:43

Thank you all for your replies, I really wanted to get perspective from a fresh pair of eyes and people unattached to our situation. It's hard as I was single for so many years before meeting him, I was so picky and would never go on a second date! But I fell in love with him the moment I met him, he was so thoughtful and lovely he would send me clips of him singing songs that I like (he's an amazing singer) and even a song he wrote for me, he'd also send me flowers and gifts in the post to make me smile. I want to make sure I don't give him a bad rep here, I wouldn't even need one hand to count the number of times he has drank excessively, and he does little things like always watches my fave films with me, makes me drinks, makes sure I'm covered with the blanket when I'm cold, fills up my hot water bottle, cuddles me lots and tells me he loves me all the time. Unfortunately those things don't really make up the basis of a relationship and from everything you guys have said about him not wanting/being ready to commit it's all sadly true. I also have some closure on not being in the wrong with being upset about all the time away from me he needs which is something that he's always me question as to whether or not I'm in the wrong. Who knows maybe when he meets the right girl he'll want all those things, maybe it's just not me he needs!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 07/12/2022 13:46

He didn't treat you right. That's all you need to know. Let this one go for good.

ChocoFudge · 07/12/2022 14:08

If he really cared about you and about the relationship he would be prioritising you. He's not. Get rid, don't waste your time on this guy if you're hoping to have children one day.

ReadtheReviews · 07/12/2022 14:20

Bog off you pathetic manchild, was my immediate reaction op. He doesnt prioritise you at all. Stuff him. Leave his presents outside random people's houses with 'from the real Santa' on a label and walk away clicking your heels. Dont waste any more time on him.

TiaraBoo · 07/12/2022 15:14

@Lyly86 I’ sure there are lots of reasons why you fell for him, BUT I will repeat this again:

He doesn’t want to live with you.
He doesn’t want to have children with you.

You deserve someone better, much much better who puts you first and wants to have a family with you.

Always4Brenner · 07/12/2022 15:16

Hugs get rid and keep rid. You can do better than this selfish bloke you’ll be football darts widow.

RandomPerson42 · 07/12/2022 15:18

He clearly doesn’t want to grow up

Stopthebusplease · 07/12/2022 16:38

OP it seems that everything that needs saying has been said, bit I'd just like to add that I'm another person who thinks he's not the right one for you. You often read about couples where the woman says I want to get married and have a family, but he doesn't, what do I do? The relationship limps on for maybe another year or two, and then suddenly, he leaves for another woman, marries her within 12 months, and has a couple of kids within two years. As you now seem to realise, he may want a family, but you're not the right one for him, as much as he's not the right one for you. Oh, and PLEASE take as many of the gifts back as possible, as you simply can't buy love, and it strikes me that that's what you're trying to do. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true.

rwalker · 07/12/2022 18:16

you haven’t even been together a year broken up twice live miles apart and your talking to him about babies
from his point of view smacks of times running out I want a baby
I can’t believe any responsible guy would commit to a baby given all this

ICanHideButICantRun · 07/12/2022 18:53

So he acts like a single man for half of the week and cocklodges the other half?

Honestly, OP, this man is too old to be behaving like that. That shows you that this is what he is truly like. He's living his best life.

You deserve so much better. Send back the gifts, get the money back and spend it on yourself. I bet you spend much more on him than you do yourself, don't you?

Don't worry about it being near Christmas and you being lonely etc - just accept it that you'll feel bad for a day or so and then everything will be better.

You need a fresh start now - send back those gifts asap and tell him he's too immature for you.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 07/12/2022 19:32

You're in the early stages of a relationship, the time when usually you can't see enough of each other, can't stand to be apart. He's not even behaving as someone who cares for you in the honey moon phase of the relationship. That won't get better. If you ended up having a child, those nice things he does will mean less than nothing, because what you need long term is someone who will share the load with the baby and the broken nights and do his share round the house. He says he loves you, but his behaviour isn't showing that, words are cheap, actions matter.

SpicyFoodRocks · 07/12/2022 20:02

OP you are being a bit of a doormat. Please treat yourself with more kindness and respect. Don’t waste another year like this.

Oh, xmas is a difficult time to split up. Have you got others who can support you?

Duchess379 · 07/12/2022 20:08

Has he contacted you since you've broke up? He sounds like he wants his freedom & have you at home 'mothering' him. Cut your losses & find someone else x

autienotnaughty · 07/12/2022 20:39

Don't take it personally. You will find your right fit.

Poppyblush · 07/12/2022 21:09

Get rid of him and get a refund on the presents.

waterrat · 07/12/2022 23:59

The only way this would potentially give you what you want is if you firmly end it and set the boundaries of what you need to continue. He may choose to commit when he sees he has lost you. If he doesnt then you are free to find someone better...he really doesn't sound like a great human or partner op. Little gestures are easy when you dont have to make the real commitments

Starseeking · 08/12/2022 00:06

You need to leave this man who places conditions on what needs to change before you can move in together, have DC together etc etc

For men like this, the goalposts constantly keep moving and you really don't want to find your relationship has moved no further forward at 40, as is what is likely to happen with this man.

I'd leave him and find someone new, if I were you.

Allsnotwell · 08/12/2022 00:07

Babies are time consuming and two parents onboard defiantly make it a whole lot easier.

If he feels trapped now a baby will make him run for the hills.

Nobody needs £2000 worth of gifts - he should be happy to spend time together without a thought for presents.

Send them back.