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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable with expectations

58 replies

Lyly86 · 07/12/2022 10:42

Hi, it’s my first post on here so I apologise for my lack of knowledge around acronyms etc!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half, he’s 35 and I’m 36, neither of us has children and we own our home homes separately, I live in Birmingham and he lives in Coventry. A couple of months ago I ended things because we weren’t moving forward and spent minimal time together. As an example, we would each work from home separately all week and then in the evenings, Tuesday night he would be at football training, Wednesday night he’d be at darts, Saturday from 11am-6pm was football, Sunday evening he’d be with his parents, and then with his family another night during the week. Over the past couple of months he’s been unofficially living at my house so we work together during the day, and then he continues with his hobbies and activities outside of that. However we have now broken up again because he said he’s neglecting his friends and needs more time with them, and at the same point is still unwilling to officially have us live together because he said the relationship needs to improve and that I have no trust in him. I’ve explained that I completely trust him other than any occasions that he gets over the top drunk (he’s cheated on an ex before whilst drunk and having seen him in this state he is completely out of control of his behaviour).

I feel really unappreciated as whilst he’s been unofficially living with me I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, buy him the food/drinks etc that he likes and buy him little gifts to show that I care. He washes up after dinner and takes the dog out to the toilet but I think he’s got a pretty easy life, he hasn’t had to fully commit to me and now wants to spend even more time away because he’s missing his friends, however we have minimal time together as it is. I’m 36 and would love to have children which he’s also not ready for as he says we have to buy a house together etc first so I feel like this is all such a dead end. I’ve broken up with him but I miss him terribly, I felt like he was the love of my life and my best friend, we laugh so much together and get on ridiculously well. I also have nearly £2k worth of Christmas presents that I’d bought him and really don’t want to throw our relationship away if there’s a chance that I might be in the wrong! Other than everything I’ve mentioned he’s a lovely guy, he’s talented, funny and very intelligent. Help please!!!

OP posts:
aloris · 08/12/2022 00:15

He wouldn't move in together officially because he felt you needed to have more trust in him. And yet he was doing, what, exactly, for the relationship? Sounds like the only time he spent with you was when he was wfh (so, when he was working and not really spending quality time with you) and all his leisure time was spent with other people or his hobbies. In addition, he had you doing almost all his housework and buying the food he was eating. No wonder you didn't trust in him! How did he plan for the relationship to improve? He certainly didn't intend to do more for the relationship, in fact sounds like he wanted to do less, so he could spend more time with his friends. I bet what he wanted was for you to be happy with even less care from him. What was he actually giving you in this relationship? Sounds like not much. Compare it with what you were giving him (love, care, attention, acts of service, a free place to stay complete with cleaning service and food).

You deserve better. Don't look back, look for someone who is willing to be more devoted to you.

BaileySharp · 08/12/2022 03:05

It doesn't sound like he has any interest in pulling his weight around the house or cutting down on the things he likes to do in his free time. I think its good to have some interests outside of the relationship but it sounds like its too much and hes a bit set in his ways, and expects a girlfriend to mother him. I can't see it working I'm afraid.

SchrodingersKettle · 08/12/2022 03:28

Just curious... what on earth were you buying for him thay cost £2000?

He is not worth your time or money. You really don't want kids with a guy who behaves like this, he will never be ready and he will leave you with all the work snd just end up being a Disney dad.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 04:43

He's had a nice easy ride hasn't he. Minimal commitment, still living the single life, hasn't grown up in his behaviour (most people grow out of drinking to excess and behaving as he does), gets the perks of a committed relationship without any of the responsibilities or downsides.

You appear to have a variation of the infestation of a cocklodger.

Throw him back my lovely, while you still can.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/12/2022 05:03

Lyly86 · 07/12/2022 10:42

Hi, it’s my first post on here so I apologise for my lack of knowledge around acronyms etc!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half, he’s 35 and I’m 36, neither of us has children and we own our home homes separately, I live in Birmingham and he lives in Coventry. A couple of months ago I ended things because we weren’t moving forward and spent minimal time together. As an example, we would each work from home separately all week and then in the evenings, Tuesday night he would be at football training, Wednesday night he’d be at darts, Saturday from 11am-6pm was football, Sunday evening he’d be with his parents, and then with his family another night during the week. Over the past couple of months he’s been unofficially living at my house so we work together during the day, and then he continues with his hobbies and activities outside of that. However we have now broken up again because he said he’s neglecting his friends and needs more time with them, and at the same point is still unwilling to officially have us live together because he said the relationship needs to improve and that I have no trust in him. I’ve explained that I completely trust him other than any occasions that he gets over the top drunk (he’s cheated on an ex before whilst drunk and having seen him in this state he is completely out of control of his behaviour).

I feel really unappreciated as whilst he’s been unofficially living with me I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, buy him the food/drinks etc that he likes and buy him little gifts to show that I care. He washes up after dinner and takes the dog out to the toilet but I think he’s got a pretty easy life, he hasn’t had to fully commit to me and now wants to spend even more time away because he’s missing his friends, however we have minimal time together as it is. I’m 36 and would love to have children which he’s also not ready for as he says we have to buy a house together etc first so I feel like this is all such a dead end. I’ve broken up with him but I miss him terribly, I felt like he was the love of my life and my best friend, we laugh so much together and get on ridiculously well. I also have nearly £2k worth of Christmas presents that I’d bought him and really don’t want to throw our relationship away if there’s a chance that I might be in the wrong! Other than everything I’ve mentioned he’s a lovely guy, he’s talented, funny and very intelligent. Help please!!!

That may all be true....

To me? That is pretty wiped out by not prioritising you in ANY way!

He's behaving as if he's single.

KM99 · 08/12/2022 06:49

He's not a lovely guy, though. He's making no adjustments in his life to prioritise you. Boy's nights, sports, family but where do you get decent time together?

Now he is trying to blame all the relationship problems on you. You deserve better than a manchild. x

Luckingfovely · 08/12/2022 07:09

He might be capable of doing nice things in the moment - but overall in life he is not treating you well at all. It'll never work - you are not in the same place in life in any sense.

For goodness sake, end it now, return the Christmas gifts, and buy yourself something joyous with the money instead!

rosyroses · 08/12/2022 07:24

A friend of mine was in a similar situation and stayed with him.
He has the life of Riley out all the time with his mates, while she stays at home looking after his dogs and being careful financially so they have money while he spends all his. She in now mid forties and unlikely as she'll ever have the kids she always wanted. He was never ready but alluded to the fact he would be.

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