AIBU to lose hope for my future children?

[DebatingMumhood]

I want to have a baby, but don’t think I can handle it in this day and age. I feel it will be such a struggle to keep them away from screens while their minds are developing. When I was a child, my family had a TV but there would rarely be anything interesting on. So I was forced to make my own fun reading, drawing, and playing outside with friends. Nowadays it seems much more difficult to encourage your children to have healthy hobbies. And it’s more dangerous to leave them alone with other children. Child-on-child sexual abuse has increased exponentially due to access to pornography. And bullies are armed with high-def cameras. I want a baby but honestly think it’s unlikely they’ll be able to lead a happy life in these conditions and don’t know if I can handle the heartbreak. AIBU to feel this way?

We have DC and no television. They watch cartoons on the laptop sometimes

My kids watch a reasonable amount of screens and are happy and healthy with lots of active hobbies and great friendships. You can keep them away from screens but you are making this a bigger issue than it is.

You've made a hell of a jump from screen time to child on child sexual abuse, OP.

Work on your mental health before you think about having a child.

I'm nearly 40 and watched a lot of TV as a kid. It doesn't seem to have done me much harm! My 3 year old is currently watching a documentary about the solar system on TV. I don't think that's the end of the world.

This is an incredibly bleak vision of childhood op. Kids can watch a bit of age appropriate tv, follow healthy hobbies, run about in the park and have a lovely time with friends just as we used to do. I agree with pp that you need to have a bit of therapy and work through your anxiety before conceiving.

Yes you are being unreasonable to feel that way. Safeguarding for children has always been required, the landscape of it just changed over time. As have learning opportunities, screen time is healthy in the right context.

If you don't think you can make those parenting choices then no, don't have children.

You do sound a bit melodramatic yes

You are catastrophising. Although many (and rising %) children have mental health issues, the majority still do not. Although too many children suffer bullying, the majority do not. Although too many children suffer from sexual abuse, the vast majority do not.

Plus with all of these risks/worries, the parents can reduce the risks - parents can't remove the risks and problems are often found even where parents have done everything 'right' but as a parent you can help to shift the odds in your child's favour.

Also if you don't want screens, don't have screens. That is what we did. You have control over your own home, which is a strong message to teach children.

However it sounds like you are in a bad place and therefore it would be good to work on that before having a child - because having a parent with a bleak outlook can really harm a child.

How old are you? Im 50 and remember watching lots of tv as a child.
Assuming you are younger, just bring them up as you were. It's not compulsory to buy them a phone for their 2nd birthday.

There are always threats but we carry on regardless.

I was thinking yesterday how screens have protected this generation from all the head injuries we all used to get pre internet- riding bikes/climbing trees/ roughhousing/ jumping off high swings over our bikes/going to abandoned areas to hang out/ indulging in risky behaviour such as drinking/smoking/fighting through boredom.

I was amazed with all the risky stuff all kids used to do unsupervised that we made it to adulthood. Of course, not all did.

So, it’s really a matter of perspective. If you want a baby, have a baby and then deal with any challenges. You will be great. Really you will.

I have three teens. They're more physically active than I was as a teen, and as far as I can tell they seem happier too. Schools are much better IME at dealing with bullying etc than they used to be.

You are hugely unreasonable. The lives of my children aren't like this. They have plenty of what you call healthy hobbies that I don't have to force them to do. They spend time with friends without being sexually abused.

But no, I don't think you should have children if you think you won't be able to give them any happiness and if you think that the world is such a terrible place. And I don't think you would be able to 'handle the heartbreak' as it sounds like you would be seeking out that heartbreak.

I think you probably need to spend your life looking after your own self and creating situations where you find happiness for you. Find something that you love to do and do that.

YANBU to worry , I think most of the adult population worry about the outlook for younger generations.

I think you are catastrophising though. Many children ( mine included at times) spend a bit too much time on screens. However most children also still play with toys, do crafts, hang out at the park ( when old enough) . Online stuff is not all bad, there is much to be learnt for kids and parental control and education about how to keep safe can help mitigate risks.
The world has changed, we can't go back in time. I am not convinced either that things were always better in the past, different maybe. ( I grew up in the eighties and despite the lack of screens it had it's own hazards)
When I worry about my children ( constantly) it is about them being hurt, but alongside the worries of the wider world the worry of them having their heartbroken or facing bereavement or loss. But that is part of being human. Not a reason to think life isn't worth living. What we can hold on to is the need to be brave, hopeful and kind 💜

I don't want to say YABU because it's how you feel and they are mostly pretty legitimate concerns. But I do think your anxiety is maybe spiralling a bit, because I know a lot of parents who manage these things really well, so it is definitely possible.

You do have control of screens when they are young. You don't have to have a TV. You can encourage non-screen activities and engage them in games, drawing etc. We know more than ever about healthy lifestyles and the impact of good food and exercise on our wellbeing.

You could easily flip this around and say it's actually a pretty good time to be a kid. Back in the 90's I dread to think how much crap frozen and tinned food we were fed as kids, and people smoked wherever they wanted - that's less the case now because people are better informed.

I think this is about how you look at things just as much as the actual world. There are always things to worry about when thinking of raising kids. Have you thought about talking any of this through with a counsellor?

I worry less about keeping them away from screens when they are very young (1-10). That seems doable. But it seems quite difficult to maintain as they grow older and start demanding to have a smart phone like their peers (teens).

Philosophically, if everyone’s doing it then they wouldn’t be at a disadvantage being the same. They would just be growing up in a different society.

While your children are imaginary, you can decide all sorts of things about how you will be as a parent, what they will be like. You can decide the world is not safe and not have any children, you can be the ideal imaginary parent. Go for it. No one can or should persuade you to have a child, sometimes they decide they are going to arrive despite your best laid plans (ahem hello no 3 DD).

For what it is worth I grew up in a rural idyll and without a TV for the first 5 years of my life. My 3 teenage children had TV, tablets, computers, phones, no massive limits, other than strict bedtimes and no screens in bedrooms till 13. They are decent people, kind caring and polite, they have not been cyber bullied, and are doing well despite neuro diversity (maybe because). They arrived and taught me how to parent them. I am just as addicted to TV as the next person, my youngest DD wants to do film studies GCSE next year - it is not just the drug of the nation - TV is stories about us.

My DD is 12 and certainly spends a lot of time on her phone when in the house. We have screen limits in place. However, it's not necessarily a bad thing. She's talking to friends. A lot of her new secondary school friends are on WhatsApp and she loves interacting with them.
Also she's out most of the time - she does many extra curricular activities. Three different sports, Guides, often has plans to meet friends etc. She doesn't have much time to be on her phone (which is why we don't limit it). As a family we have days out at the weekends.
If you don't want children then fine but I think this is a weird reason not to.

Parents are all different, the biggest myth is that your kids 'miss out' if you don't do everything the other parents do.

I don't understand your position - if you think a smart phone is the wrong thing for your child, follow your parenting instincts.

Have you given up on them before having them? Too much screen time complaint before they are born and before you have had opportunity to raise them?

You are worrying too much… you need to work on yourself.

If it helps to reassure you, my son can talk with considerable depth about art, science, politics and football. He is an encyclopaedia of facts and good at applying them. He has a high technique in the sport he plays, he also is within the work top 20 in something in Minecraft, so much XBox has come handy when training on flight simulators. He was raised by me… and the iPad.

I work with university students and I am in awe at their knowledge and depth of thought.They have had access to a lot of information we could barely access when we were children, from philosophy classics to quantum physics.

If they are curious about something they just go and find more, as my son once said after a big and detailed discussion about Australian politics… I just went down a rabbit hole and… (we have never been in Australia)

There are bad things out there, but there are many good things as well. As a parent, you are expected to teach them how to navigate their world safely, much like our parents taught us to be safe when were just coming back home for dinner. 🙂

Hell of a leap from having a phone to being a victim of sexual abuse. Also I seem to recall that sexual abuse happened before everyone had a phone.

OP, if you have children you’ll be responsible for bringing them up in a way you’re happy with. Plenty of people don’t let young children on screens and limit screen/phone time and content for teens. It can be done. Harder to keep tech out of their lives entirely as they get older but as you’re presumably on a screen to type this post, you obviously don’t have a problem with tech in itself.

If you want children, it might be an idea to work on your anxiety. If you don’t, don’t have them- it’s not compulsory.

Harder to keep tech out of their lives entirely as they get older but as you’re presumably on a screen to type this post, you obviously don’t have a problem with tech in itself.

Honestly, you don’t want to keep them off screens when older, kids these days relate with each other as much as we did in the past but in different ways. A teen with no access to social media apps can easily get isolated and left out of in person meetings and friends groups.

A teen who is illiterate on online stuff may also have their education affected.

Agreed.

Honestly, I think access to screens and the internet is the least of the worries at the moment regarding the future for children!

Interesting for you to say that about education. I was thinking kids without smartphones would do much better in school as they would have a better capacity for reading and longform thinking.