AIBU to lose hope for my future children?

[DebatingMumhood]

I want to have a baby, but don’t think I can handle it in this day and age. I feel it will be such a struggle to keep them away from screens while their minds are developing. When I was a child, my family had a TV but there would rarely be anything interesting on. So I was forced to make my own fun reading, drawing, and playing outside with friends. Nowadays it seems much more difficult to encourage your children to have healthy hobbies. And it’s more dangerous to leave them alone with other children. Child-on-child sexual abuse has increased exponentially due to access to pornography. And bullies are armed with high-def cameras. I want a baby but honestly think it’s unlikely they’ll be able to lead a happy life in these conditions and don’t know if I can handle the heartbreak. AIBU to feel this way?

OP, I have a teen and all his GCSE homework is on Teams. He researches online rather than in encyclopaedias. He connects with his friends through a gaming app. He would be materially poorer without technology.

He also has two sports classes at the weekend. He has healthy plentiful food, a good supportive school etc. He is at far less risk than I ever was.

Rather than getting gloomy, focus on improving your financial situation so you can protect your future children and give them a good standard of living. And remember that love, time and interest in their activities are far more important than anything else.

Dare I ask what you’re more worried about?

I was hoping this thread would have hopeful replies! Haha

I don't think you're suited to having kids, OP.

Environmental catastrophe OP? It's massive and our children will pay the worst price of all. I don't actually think you're catastrophising in your OP either. I think you're fairly accurate and pretty sensible.

Why do you think so?

I worry about climate change for my (future, theoretical) grandchildren.

OP, go camping, to a back to basics campsite, and you will see children spending hours enjoying rope swings, whittling twigs to toast marshmallows on campfires. Go to the Lake District in the summer and see kids out in the fells, splashing in streams, and messing about on or by lakes. Brownie, Guide and Scouts are packed.

You just do stuff with your kids and keep doing it.

Hobbies v screen time does not need to be an issue.

Sexual abuse has always been a problem. At least now we recognise it as such and can teach our children awareness.

You can bring them up without screens while they're young and limit screens when they're older.
It's perfectly possible to incorporate screen time in a healthy way into their lives as well.
Tech is bloody useful too. One of my dcs is really struggling with a subject due to having a rubbish teacher. He's able to access free YouTube lessons and other sites to help him get to grips with it.
I wished I'd had this when I had a crap teacher!
It's important to teach kids how to take advantage of tech and use it proactively rather than passively.

You don’t have to have children. You’re probably not in the right place to do so at the moment. Has something brought this on? If you’re feeling anxious then cutting down on your news consumption can help, it’s mostly miserable.

Oh gosh, it sounds like it must be exhausting being you. I assumed this was going to be about climate change but it doesn't even make the list ahead of screen time.

That’s a good suggestion and thanks for asking.

These are my late night worries and woes. I’m actually in a pretty good place for having a child in terms of marriage, finances, career, house, neighborhood, etc. All that’s left is to decide…

Yes, that’s another thing to worry about for them. : ( I especially worry about the effects of pollutants on developing baby brains.

That sounds lovely (the middle part of your post). Thanks for sharing.

If you’re going to go into it with such a negative mindset I wouldn’t bother either.

I think one of the realisations you eventually have to make about having children is that what you do (outside the realms of abuse and neglect) doesn’t make a lot of difference.

Whether you’re the type of parent who hands their one year old an iPad or the type who bans tech until 18. Whether you buy pink and barbies for your daughter or shop for her only in the boys section, whether you encourage them into sports or push hobbies that don’t involve you standing around a rainy field on a Saturday morning. Ultimately none of it matters.

Kids are people not projects. They are born with their own personalities, they will be influenced by people and events that you not only have no control over but also quite possibly can’t even imagine now. They have disabilities, talents, looks that interact with the world in unique ways that change how it impacts them. As someone once wrote, you birth them, hurl them into the universe and pray.

If you can live with uncertainty and guilt and the reality of lack of control then have a kid and enjoy them. If you can’t, stick to imaginary children who are much more manageable.

I agree that unconstrained use of screens might affect reading, concentration etc. But it doesn't have to be unconstrained- one of your jobs as a parent is to help your child move from a position where you make the rules absolutely (eg a small child not allowed any screens) to where those rules are relaxed (a young teen allowed a phone for X amount of time a day to do a certain array of things) to a position where they make their own rules (an 18yo who has access to a phone whenever they want but knows that it's a bad idea to waste hours scrolling Insta when there are more rewarding things to be done).

That's why it's not necessarily the best idea simply to ban smartphones- the aim is to produce an adult who can function well in a world in which smartphones exist.

I can’t help thinking watching TV 40 years ago was different though. There wasn’t the constantly available stream of stuff like now. Four channels and a video player, that was it really.

You sound like an extremely anxious person and that doesn't make a good parent. There are a million and one things you could be anxious about if you let yourself, and that anxiety feeds into your children, making them unhappy and anxious too. Sometimes as a parent you just have to 'not think' too much otherwise you'll spend the next 18 years or more lying awake at night worrying.

I do think YouTube / tiktok fast-cut content and fast paced frenetic TV shows are potentially really bad for developing brains so I get your point. I also think the UK is particularly bad.

But there are other routes.

Lots of people choose alternative education where screens are not really A Thing.

Having said that, my niece who is 14 barely looks at her phone.

My other niece who is 16 is glued to hers.

Both are lovely, well-rounded teens.

I agree with PP that you seem very anxious. I'd get a dog instead. Don't have to worry about screen time and climate change is a non-issue cos they won't be around to experience it.

This a particularly pessimistic outlook.

Its quite easy to keep under 12s away from screens, particularly unsupervised screen use. You do need to allow a small amount of computer access as computer skills are part of the school curriculum and its important you educate your children to help them stay safe online.

I live in a "naice" area and lots of children have only limited screentime. CBBC for 20 mins 3 or 4 times a week, occasional access, supervised, to educational apps on a tablet.

Its also easy to encourage othee hobbies and activities. My kids play sport & love board games, lego, books, art/crafts etc and do plenty of playing outdoors with friends.

I do think its a myth that children can self regulate. My personal opinion is that age appropriate limits need to be imposed by adults for a long time to ensure children build good habits and get used to enjoying other activities. Screens are definitely addictive.

Your overthinking it. There are a million reasons why having children will be difficult, but as a parent you do the best to prepare them for the future and weather you like it or not tech is part of living in a modern society. you teach them good values and respect and hope its enough to keep them on the right path. If you decide to have children you will need to chill, relax and go with the flow a bit more. Being a parent means you will need to let go off the need to control everything including the outside world. I dont think your currently in that mindset.

If you don't have hope you can raise your child well, better off not having kids.

You are on a screen, typing on a screen, on an internet forum! 🤣
My children hardly watch mainstream tv and the parental controls are far superior to 10 years ago. Imagine what it will like in another 10 years

I think you are being a bit dramatic tbh.

You are also thinking about DC as if they are items belonging to their parents - they aren't, they are their own separate people. They will, beyond a certain age, be able to make choices and show restraint (if they choose to). Parents are there to teach and encourage, not to control.

Also, screens are not the route of all evil.

But if you don't fancy having dc, that is fine and you don't need any excuse for it!

This