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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sad about not having another baby

54 replies

Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:37

I’ll be brief. We were told we couldn’t have children due to my medical issues -10 years later snd lockdown boredom I fell pregnant and gave birth to an amazing baby boy who is 20 months.

I love being a mum and am juggling working part time with raising him like I’m sure we all are.

my problem is recently I’ve been desperate for another child. I’m nearly 40 so age is against me. Also nursery fees are killing us now so wouldn’t be able to afford two kids plus we both need to work.

we also live in a small 2 bed flat with it’s own garden but definitely couldn’t fit in another child. We have no prospect of moving.

im just devastated that that’s it. I love our child dearly but feel we aren’t complete. Hubby and I have discussed and both agreed that it’s impossible to have another child but this urge is horrendous. Will I ever get over it?

so basically AIBU for feeling fed up and wish I could just have another baby without worrying about fees for nursery and be given a massive house!

OP posts:
Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 19:44

YANBU for feeling sad, but those are the cards you have in your deck, it’s worth focusing on moving past this.

AgathaMystery · 06/12/2022 19:47

Im sorry OP. I really feel for you.

I wish I could go back in time. I would have had another child. I’m so sad it wasn’t something we could do. 10yr on and it’s hard to reconcile still.

I feel like it would work itself out. Somehow. If you want another baby, have one.

Soproudoflionesses · 06/12/2022 19:49

I couldn't have a 2nd baby and was heartbroken at the time. But l came to terms with it and now love having just one.

Original poster
Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:50

Thank you both. I’ve literally got a pros and cons list and the cons list is massive with the pro just being I want one 🤦🏼‍♀️

Trying to move past it but it’s hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:50

Thank you. I’m sure I’ll grow to love just having one but it’s just been hard atm

OP posts:
Lividity · 06/12/2022 19:52

There’s a “one and done, not by choice” Facebook group.

I feel your pain, after having a genuine miracle baby and then losing my fertility not long after.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/12/2022 19:52

to be honest there are no ‘reasons’ for a baby beyond just wanting one, so if you can juggle anything about to make it work, go for it!

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 19:54

Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:50

Thank you both. I’ve literally got a pros and cons list and the cons list is massive with the pro just being I want one 🤦🏼‍♀️

Trying to move past it but it’s hard

When it comes to children it’s not just your wants that matter, you are not in a position to have another.

That should be the end of it, for the potential child’s sake more than anything

Original poster
Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:54

Oh thank you I’ll have a look on Facebook for that.

I really wish we could juggle it but money and housing is just making that impossible

OP posts:
Original poster
Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:55

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 19:54

When it comes to children it’s not just your wants that matter, you are not in a position to have another.

That should be the end of it, for the potential child’s sake more than anything

Show quote history

If only it was that black and white!

OP posts:
MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/12/2022 19:57

Without wanting to patronise you, two and a bit years ago you probably assumed you'd never experience motherhood at all and no doubt would have imploded with joy to know you'd soon have a baby after a decade of trying. Can't you try and focus on your surprise and much longed for son, rather than focusing on what you don't have? Easier said than done I know.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 06/12/2022 19:57

I am one only this was by choice and by medical advice. I could have had another but I was already broken from the first. So it was stay with one and be the same or have another and be worse. I chose to stay with one.
In hindsight it was the correct decision money wise and medical wise as I have got worse since then.
I went through stages of wanting another and not really wanting to go through that again. So in the long run I am pleased with my decision ( it was mine and my husband went along with what I decided )
Doesnt stop me from wandering what another one would have been like.

verytired42 · 06/12/2022 20:01

.

AliasGrape · 06/12/2022 20:04

Im sorry OP, it's tough. Similar feelings here. Took us forever to conceive. Had DD at 40. Genuinely thought if I could just have my one I'd never want for anything ever again. Wasn't prepared for the longing for another that started pretty much as soon as we brought DD home.

We've dithered over it but DH's heart wasn't really in a second and at 43 now I am working hard on accepting that this is how it is and looking forward focusing on making the best life for DD and our family of 3.

I am very very sad about it, but I still realise how lucky we are to have DD. I think it's harder in this phase as, if you're anything like me, you'll be coming up across lots of mums having a second at toddler groups, nursery drop off etc. I have hope that as we grow out of this phase things will feel easier.

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 20:14

Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:55

If only it was that black and white!

Show quote history

Unfortunately it is that black and white

you are not in the best financial position to have another child

you’re unlikely to even be able to conceive anyway based on your age and history

Time to accept reality and try to move past this before it eats into your enjoyment of the one child you already have

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 06/12/2022 20:16

I think you just need to let yourself be sad about it for a while. I had a period a lot like this and tried to convince myself another was possible. Ultimately I'm glad now I didn't go for it! Financially, emotionally, career, mental health...all would have been worse for having another child.

alittleadvicepls · 06/12/2022 20:22

Definitely ok to grieve for a while! The urge to have a child is hard to ignore so might as well embrace it and ride it out.

Blossomtoes · 06/12/2022 20:26

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/12/2022 19:57

Without wanting to patronise you, two and a bit years ago you probably assumed you'd never experience motherhood at all and no doubt would have imploded with joy to know you'd soon have a baby after a decade of trying. Can't you try and focus on your surprise and much longed for son, rather than focusing on what you don't have? Easier said than done I know.

You read my mind, I was thinking exactly the same thing. You already have a miracle @Oink38, make his childhood the most amazing it can possibly be.

Original poster
Oink38 · 06/12/2022 20:29

Thank you all for your comments. Think I’m just finding it hard seeing that Christmas is coming and it’s a time for family.

My child is loved so much I will of course ensure he has the best possible life I can give him and would never show sadness like this in front of him.

Hopefully in the new year things will start to improve mentally for me

OP posts:
BabyYoZenZen · 06/12/2022 20:33

Is it really so impossible, OP? Nursery fees are horrendous until a child is 2 years, ever so slightly better between 2 and 3 years, then significantly less after they turn three and then none at all once at preschool/school. Basically it's not forever and you could save during mat leave too. I also know plenty of people with two DC in two bed flats... Totally normal in London.

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 06/12/2022 20:36

But you are a family @Oink38 - the number of children doesn't make a difference to that.

Ragwort · 06/12/2022 20:54

I know it's easy to say when you have one child by choice, as I do, but I love having an 'only' DC. I was an older mum too (42) and would never have considered having another - our DS is 21 now and we are a loving, close family .. he has wonderful friends and relationships with other family members and I am just so proud that we have raised a confident, popular young man. He has benefited from lovely holidays, financial investments, emotional support etc etc that would not have been so easy with more than one DC ... not that is 'essential' of course but it makes life easier. Be happy for what you have .. not what you think you might miss.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 06/12/2022 21:04

Oink38 · 06/12/2022 19:54

Oh thank you I’ll have a look on Facebook for that.

I really wish we could juggle it but money and housing is just making that impossible

My friend had a very small 3 bed and desperately wanted another child and so they rented out their small 2 bed and then they now rent a bigger family house - is that an option?

thisismylittlebrotherGeorge · 06/12/2022 21:05

The kids could share a room. Get your name on council list.

Claim back nursery fees from UC I think you get 85% fees back. Save some of the money you claim back towards your mat leave or moving.

If your baby is 20 months then by the time you fall pregnant and have another they will likely be eligible or almost eligible for some free nursery hours.

I would do it Op. at least try.
If nature decides for you then fine, but I would have to try.

Blueskies3 · 10/12/2022 11:55

Could the children share the second bedroom?
Once you conceive and then have mat leave, would your first DS be eligible for subsidised hours at nursery?

I hope it does't sound rude, but I have the exact same feelings for having number 3. And I know I need to count my blessings (I do every day), it is just hard to see babies and toddlers and I feel surrounded!