To be so sad about not having another baby

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I’ll be brief. We were told we couldn’t have children due to my medical issues -10 years later snd lockdown boredom I fell pregnant and gave birth to an amazing baby boy who is 20 months.

I love being a mum and am juggling working part time with raising him like I’m sure we all are.

my problem is recently I’ve been desperate for another child. I’m nearly 40 so age is against me. Also nursery fees are killing us now so wouldn’t be able to afford two kids plus we both need to work.

we also live in a small 2 bed flat with it’s own garden but definitely couldn’t fit in another child. We have no prospect of moving.

im just devastated that that’s it. I love our child dearly but feel we aren’t complete. Hubby and I have discussed and both agreed that it’s impossible to have another child but this urge is horrendous. Will I ever get over it?

so basically AIBU for feeling fed up and wish I could just have another baby without worrying about fees for nursery and be given a massive house!

Agree with this

Unless you are lucky enough to get a job that fits entirely into school hours, childcare costs usually go on a lot longer than that.

Children can definitely share a room, at least for the first 10 years and then even after that if you have to. There are ways you can make it work with partitions etc.

Nursery fees are harder of course.

Ah you’ve been bitten by the greatest love bug ever! I don’t know if we’re ever really complete. Having babies, as hard as it is but especially when they come steam-rolling into our lives as an unexpected surprise, is just glorious. You will absolutely find your peace and feel fulfilled and happy with life as it is and the family you do have, of course you will. But it takes time. I think the early 40s are hard because you know that your fertility window is definitely going to shut soon and there’s this sense of ‘last chance saloon-itis’ that definitely can dominate us. But it does fade and you will find freedom from this dogged desire to have another baby- dogged may be a harsh term but I’ve been there and it hurts! And then one day, it doesn’t and you’re totally in a place of peace.
Having your gorgeous baby after years of thinking he’d never show up has given you more than you ever thought was possible. Of course you want another! I would too!
Maybe, just maybe, you can and should try. Hugs, OP. 💐

You are a family.

I get it. We tried for nearly four years for a second child. Fell pregnant which ended in late and traumatic loss twice, with a MMC in between. Took me another 6 months to begin to accept that I couldn't take another loss and focus on enjoying my DC and what we do have.

Christmas is hard as it's birthday/anniversary date time. All wrapped up in a "this is what you could have won" bow.

Coming to terms with a not by choice only is a journey.

Same here, I was going to write exactly this. Tried for years, had losses etc. Made the decision to stop trying and move on which we have now and funnily enough, the things life has thrown at us in the year since we made that decision, I actually thank god I havent had a baby to deal with at the same time. Life has a funny way of working out for the best.

I’d probably keep the ‘I don’t feel complete’ thing under your hat. As your kid grows he’ll pick up on it. The desire is just pure biological hormones, that’s it. It’s an illogical urge. Its just brain chemicals. It’s not the universe guiding you to have another.

I know that sounds harsh but when you break it down like that it takes the power out of it.

^ this
I hope OPs son never ends up reading this. How despite his miraculous arrival into his mother’s life, he will never be enough because ‘I want more I want more’ (insert foot stamping)

Try to focus on the beautiful one that you do have. Better to have a manageable situation with the one.

It's a grieving process -- grieving a future that isn't to be. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad.

The way you began your story sounded so positive. Believing you could never have children and then having your boy out of the blue like that after such a long journey is incredible. You got everything you wanted. For it then to flip, in such a short space of time, to being devastated at not having another, is kind of a shock. Not saying it's not understandable as you love your boy and so want another plus hormones and emotions aren't subject to logic, but still - I'm sure you don't want to be spending these precious times of his life feeling such lack instead of the fulfilment you'd longed for. It's almost as if you're focusing on and straining for the impossible rather than realising how much you have - and very nearly never had. And I say impossible because it's not just about dividing a bedroom, but your first took so long and, as you say, your age is against you.

Absolutely agree about the grieving process, but also about doing as much work on being in the moment and all that reframing thinking side of things, because the grief is very strong given that you've actually got more than you thought already - you've gained rather than lost. Still hard I know, but hope you can get help and realise you're a wonderful family and you are enough for each other.

I don't have the family I thought I'd have. It doesn't mean my DS isn't enough (he is the light of my life) it means I wanted another child. Double the joy and love.

It's real tangible grief for the family I wanted. Two children. Being excited together on Christmas eve. Making each other laugh. Growing up and having a shared experience of childhood.

FFS give OP a break. I imagine part of the sadness is now she does have a child, they don’t/won’t have a sibling relationship, that’s a totally normal thing to be upset about. Stop with the ‘just be pleased you’re not dead’ shit, it’s really annoying me now.

Wow. I’ve just come on here after having a couple of days with my son.

of course I know we are family. I also don’t shout into my sons face that he isn’t enough. I love the bones of him and wouldn’t ever make him feel like he wasn’t enough. He is.

I just as some of you have said have this urge for another one. That urge will go as it is impossible. We both work we are not entitled to any help save child benefit and the 20% tax free stuff. we own our rubbish flat and can’t afford to move.

i just came on for some comfort whilst I was feeling at my lowest. I’m currently experiencing PTSD and depression following the traumatic birth and have lots of other medical issues I’m trying to deal with. I’ve also lost a parent this year so I was reaching out for some comfort.

clearly I know not to do it again when I’ve been told to just get over it and snide comments about my son not reading this. He is my world I’d die for him.

thank you for those of you that offered some helpful advice and shared your stories that was appreciated. I don’t have anyone else to talk to as working doesn’t make much time for parenting groups.

Oh don’t listen to the witches on here OP. I bet my bottom dollar they have secret disappointments, upsets and issues with all sorts of things they would never admit to on here.

For someone I’m who spent a decade thinking they wouldn’t have any children I’m a bit at this thread.

Why?

When it comes to kids, heart really trumps heads. There's never a good time. And nothings ever perfect. If you want another one, please just do it. You WILL work the other stuff out. It seems vital to have a house etc but it's not. When your toddler is there you'll get your 30h free. This makes it so much easier. I didn't think we could do it but we have. Our 2nd doesn't have her own room. She's in with us still at 18months. Our son is 4 and at school. I'm 18 months, no 2 will be three and we will be out of the horrendous childcare days. Then we can sort out the rest. .

There's absolutely nothing wrong with one child. I totally understand the sensible reasons also not to have a 2nd. But there's still s good chance you can have one at 40. I was 39 when I had my second. No issues. So why don't you just see what happens?

I know exactly how you feel please don't listen to those who tell you to be grateful 🙄 now you have your precious DS you are even more aware of what you are missing, when your family doesn't look how you planned it's a grief in itself and most of family life is geared up around having 2 kids and it's hard to come to terms with it, I think it takes a lot of time to accept and grieve. There are of course benefits to having one but you'll always mourn the sibling you so dearly wish for and that's absolutely valid. I would definitely join the Facebook group "one and done not by choice" there's so many of us who feel this way.

OP I have been in your shoes and the inexplicable grief I felt at potentially never having a second child was almost too much to bear. Of course I was beyond grateful for my first as you are too. We decided to go for and got our second miracle. It has made it tricky financially but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm another one who would just do it. Probably not the right approach but this is your life and you only get one go.

I don’t know anything of your circumstances other than what you’ve said, but I think you should just do it. Plenty of babies live in flats where there aren’t really enough rooms but that’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, as long as you can still put food on the table. My friends are in the same position and it wouldn’t have occurred to them not to try for a second. Presumably you’ll get some free hours Childcare when your LO is 3, and before that you’ll be home with the baby and won’t need nursery. Do it!

i just came on for some comfort whilst I was feeling at my lowest. I’m currently experiencing PTSD and depression following the traumatic birth and have lots of other medical issues I’m trying to deal with. I’ve also lost a parent this year so I was reaching out for some comfort

Quite the dripfeed OP. Maybe if you put this in your first post the answers wouldn't have been so harsh.

Sorry for not sharing the whole of my life story immediately and relying on human decency my mistake