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Original poster

Date clash. Which thing should DD (7) go to?

54 replies

VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 15:22

DD (7) is a big dance fan. I have found a fun xmas dance show thing to take her to, but it falls on a weekend she is with her father. He has her EOW, Friday night til Sunday evening. My thing is Sunday at 4, so I asked him a month ago if I could get her back slightly early, and take her. He said yes, so I have booked tickets. It's local, and I think she'll love it.

He has just messaged to say he's mixed up the dates and has double-booked her to a birthday party. It's the niece of his newish gf, same age as our DD. She's met the birthday girl once over the summer, got on well, but not like best of friends or anything. It's also a two-hour drive away. If exH ends up long-term with his gf, this bday girl would sort of be like a cousin to my DD, which is lovely and I am more than fine about. ExH is pushing for me to drop the dance show I have booked (he says he'll reimburse my costs) so our DD can hang out with bday girl.

I say, I booked first, and she will love the show, she should come to the show, and she can see bday girl another time. Also, how much will she even get to have quality time with birthday girl if it's a party and there are other girls there, especially who are actual friends with birthday girl (as opposed to my dd who though they got on well that one time, she doesn't really know and seems like exH is trying to push a friendship).

One other factor is our other child who is a few years older (and a boy) has NOT been invited to the party, whereas I have obviously got him a ticket to the show, and whilst dance isn't his big passion, he loves xmas and I really think he will enjoy the show.

I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do.

YABU - it is exH's weekend, DD should go to the party
YANBU - you asked first, he agreed to drop them home early so we could go to the show

Thanks!

I have to go out now, but will be back around 9 to respond!

OP posts:
Adultchildofelderlyparents · 06/12/2022 15:26

"I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do."

You are very unreasonable to do this to a 7 year old! You and your ex should act like adults and sort it out between yourselves.

AngelicInnocent · 06/12/2022 15:29

Why have you put this on your DD? You and ex need to sort it out between you

Survey99 · 06/12/2022 15:30

I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do.

Whatever is decided this wasn't the smartest move putting dd in the middle. She is only 7.

It is difficult when two adult cannot agree, but if you can't I would say the default is it is your ex-H weekend so he gets the final say.

AnyOldThings · 06/12/2022 15:30

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 06/12/2022 15:26

"I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do."

You are very unreasonable to do this to a 7 year old! You and your ex should act like adults and sort it out between yourselves.

100% this

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 06/12/2022 15:32

I think she should do the dance show, it was the first commitment, and the 'might be a possible cousin' one day isn't exactly a close relation, I doubt she'd be missed.

However I also agree with the others above, putting it on her, especially essentially saying "pick my thing" was a pretty shitty thing to do.

TwoBlueFish · 06/12/2022 15:32

In theory your not being unreasonable but you absolutely should not have put this on your DD. It is for you and her dad to sort.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 06/12/2022 15:33

Actually I agree dd can decide what she would like to do. She either wants to see the show or go to the party and her decision is final. However I wouldn't gave said ti her about commiting to the former. That was a guilt trip to get her to choose yours.

DailyMailHater · 06/12/2022 15:35

I can’t believe you said that to your DD that has put her in a really awkward position - especially the emphasise on the fact you have bought tickets already etc. you have basically asked a child to pick between mum and dad

this is up to your and ex to sort out and to be honest if he chooses to dig his heels in and say its my time then there isn’t much you can do.

B00B · 06/12/2022 15:36

The only part you went wrong at was telling your DD which commitment should stand. That's not entirely asking her what she wants to do, it's kind of asking her what she wants to do with conditions.

If you were letting her choose you should have made it clear to her that she could choose whichever one she wanted with no hard feelings.

Stag82 · 06/12/2022 15:42

You should have asked what she wanted to do without putting your own spin on it and essentially guilt tripping her.

moofolk · 06/12/2022 15:44

The show

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 15:45

I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do.

This is incredibly unfair.

Given you've emotionally blackmailed her and she still didn't pick the dance show, you should let her go to the party.

Unicorn717 · 06/12/2022 15:48

You should have asked her which one she would prefer to do without adding the "you should pick mine" part added on.

You don't need to make her feel bad for choosing the other one if that's what she wants.

Redglitter · 06/12/2022 15:51

I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do

It's hardly up to her when you've used such appaling emotional black mail. That's a terrible thing to have said to her. No wonder the wee soul doesn't know what to do. You've made her decide which parent to let down

senua · 06/12/2022 15:55

A four hour round trip for a birthday party!?Shock

waterrat · 06/12/2022 15:55

I think a 2 hour drive for a party where as you say she will barely know anyone is a bad idea.

BesidetheseasideXxx · 06/12/2022 15:58

I think you need to talk to her again and let her know that there's no pressure to choose either the party or the dance show, and talk to your ex about letting her choose with no pressure from either of you also. The only thing I would say is that once she has decided, she can't change her mind because you will have to get money back for the tickets and let the birthday girl know what's happening.

Pineconederby · 06/12/2022 16:01

The show. Not your or her fault he’s double booked himself.

rainbowstardrops · 06/12/2022 16:02

I think you need to be having a conversation with the ex and stating that it's really important for you.
Don't involve the kids. Be mature about it.
If he says no then I suppose you'll have to suck it up but I wouldn't be quick to bend over for him when the tables are turned.

Just stress how much you think your children will enjoy the show

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 16:03

So what will he do with DS whilst they're all at the party??

Show imo, it's a lovely Xmas thing to do together.

ZL2014 · 06/12/2022 16:07

Maybe a simple “would you rather go to the dance show or to (whoever’s) birthday party?” Would suffice and let your daughter decide what she would like to do.

Definitely don’t think there’s any need for the explaining and emotional blackmail. Just simply which would she like to attend more.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 06/12/2022 16:16

You could still tale ds and just have some quality time together take him for food after if dd wants to go to the party...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2022 16:19

She should go to the show.

However, I agree with others that put the choice on her was unfair. Even if you’d wanted to gauge her views, I’d have said, I just want to know your feelings but you don’t have to decide.

stayathomegardener · 06/12/2022 16:25

I'm assuming your ex has a vested interest as will be attending the party anyway so dropping back early from two hours away would be tricky.

Personally I think attending a 7 year olds birthday as an "outsider" might be quite tricky for some children with existing social structures.

Survey99 · 06/12/2022 16:30

ZL2014 · 06/12/2022 16:07

Maybe a simple “would you rather go to the dance show or to (whoever’s) birthday party?” Would suffice and let your daughter decide what she would like to do.

Definitely don’t think there’s any need for the explaining and emotional blackmail. Just simply which would she like to attend more.

The dd is only 7, if it is ex-Hs weekend she might not get the choice so OP asking and putting the dd in the middle was the wrong thing to do. The adults would need to agree first if they would let the 7 year old decide.

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