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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date clash. Which thing should DD (7) go to?

54 replies

VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 15:22

DD (7) is a big dance fan. I have found a fun xmas dance show thing to take her to, but it falls on a weekend she is with her father. He has her EOW, Friday night til Sunday evening. My thing is Sunday at 4, so I asked him a month ago if I could get her back slightly early, and take her. He said yes, so I have booked tickets. It's local, and I think she'll love it.

He has just messaged to say he's mixed up the dates and has double-booked her to a birthday party. It's the niece of his newish gf, same age as our DD. She's met the birthday girl once over the summer, got on well, but not like best of friends or anything. It's also a two-hour drive away. If exH ends up long-term with his gf, this bday girl would sort of be like a cousin to my DD, which is lovely and I am more than fine about. ExH is pushing for me to drop the dance show I have booked (he says he'll reimburse my costs) so our DD can hang out with bday girl.

I say, I booked first, and she will love the show, she should come to the show, and she can see bday girl another time. Also, how much will she even get to have quality time with birthday girl if it's a party and there are other girls there, especially who are actual friends with birthday girl (as opposed to my dd who though they got on well that one time, she doesn't really know and seems like exH is trying to push a friendship).

One other factor is our other child who is a few years older (and a boy) has NOT been invited to the party, whereas I have obviously got him a ticket to the show, and whilst dance isn't his big passion, he loves xmas and I really think he will enjoy the show.

I have asked DD and told her it's up to her, explained that I have booked tickets though and the former commitment should stand (imho). She doesn't know what to say/do.

YABU - it is exH's weekend, DD should go to the party
YANBU - you asked first, he agreed to drop them home early so we could go to the show

Thanks!

I have to go out now, but will be back around 9 to respond!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 06/12/2022 16:46

You basically told your DD she had to pick the show you booked, but pretended she had a choice. That's a horrendous position to put your 7 year old DD in, what were you thinking?!?

I'd tell her you've spoken to her Dad and you'll do a show another year, and she'll stay at Dad's as it's important to maintain the relationship on that side. In negotiations with your EX (and I have an awful one) this isn't the hill to die on.

thelobsterquadrille · 06/12/2022 16:47

Your ex is the one who messed up - he needs to say to his girlfriend that he got the dates wrong and DD is busy that Sunday after all. It really doesn't need to be a big deal.

sueelleker · 06/12/2022 16:49

Not knowing your ex, I do wonder how "accidental" the mix-up was.

Merlott · 06/12/2022 16:50

thelobsterquadrille · 06/12/2022 16:47

Your ex is the one who messed up - he needs to say to his girlfriend that he got the dates wrong and DD is busy that Sunday after all. It really doesn't need to be a big deal.

This.

Asking DD is just awful. She will feel guilty no matter what happens now.

Let ex H explain to GF why he's letting HER down !!

Both of you need heads knocking together on what it looks like to put DD front and center. Hopefully you will learn from this

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 16:51

Just wanted to clear up the asking her/telling her which commitment came first. I'll go through and respond to any other points in another post.

We aim to involve our children in decisions that concern them where appropriate, so that they feel they have some control over their lives, and know that their opinions count.

I also think that it's important to honour a commitment that you've said yes to, I think this is actually a good rule to live by, obviously with genuine reasons to bail being acceptable. But I like to be reliable with my word, and think we should all be, as much as possible. I didn't say this to pressure her, and I believe the way I said it wasn't to manipulate her to picking my show Vs the party, but to say sometimes there's a clash of events, and if you've said yes to something first, that's the one you go to. Caveats apply, of course. If he'd said he's won tickets to Disneyland, Vs the local festive dance show, I'd be packing their bags for them. A party of a girl she's met only once, who lives two hours away, doesn't, imo, trump a one-off festive dance show. Also, it was exH who mucked up his dates having agreed I could have them back a couple of hours earlier than usual on the Sunday.

I asked her because it is up to her, which she'd prefer. If she was super excited about Anna's party, I'd say ok, as it's only really me she's bailing on and I have her 26/30 days. She was really excited about going to the show, so I felt it fair to ask if she wanted to miss it for the party.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 16:54

I didn't say this to pressure her, and I believe the way I said it wasn't to manipulate her to picking my show Vs the party, but to say sometimes there's a clash of events, and if you've said yes to something first, that's the one you go to.

If that's how you're raising her you shouldn't have given her the choice. You should have told her that as you'd already committed to the dance show she'd need to miss the party.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 16:57

Ok, adding comments.

I don't believe DD feels guilt of any sort. It wasn't framed like that.
ExH and I are civil and really try to do what's best for our kids. We don't play games, we swop weekends where possible (usually he's asked to swop and I've accommodated). I felt it reasonable to find out her feelings/wishes. I didn't want her father and I to decide one way or the other, then DD find out and have preferred the other.
It's nice for her to have been invited. But she won't know anyone there, apart from "Anna", who she's only met once, and ExH's newish gf, who she knows better, and is the aunt of Anna.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 06/12/2022 16:57

She's 7, and has been put in a position where she would feel she is letting down one of her much-loved parents, whatever she decides.

See the bigger picture OP, it's really not fair on her.

Starseeking · 06/12/2022 16:58

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 16:54

I didn't say this to pressure her, and I believe the way I said it wasn't to manipulate her to picking my show Vs the party, but to say sometimes there's a clash of events, and if you've said yes to something first, that's the one you go to.

If that's how you're raising her you shouldn't have given her the choice. You should have told her that as you'd already committed to the dance show she'd need to miss the party.

I agree with this.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 16:59

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 16:54

I didn't say this to pressure her, and I believe the way I said it wasn't to manipulate her to picking my show Vs the party, but to say sometimes there's a clash of events, and if you've said yes to something first, that's the one you go to.

If that's how you're raising her you shouldn't have given her the choice. You should have told her that as you'd already committed to the dance show she'd need to miss the party.

I think as a general rule, it is a noble one, but I can be flexible and that's important too, especially among immediate family. I really want her to go to what she wants most.
If the roles were reversed, I would pick the show over a girl she barely knows who lives a four-hour round trip away.

OP posts:
SerenaTee · 06/12/2022 17:00

You were really unreasonable to put the choice on a 7 year old, regardless of how you think you pitched it to her. Fine to ask her what she prefers to go to but if she doesn’t express a preference, it’s for the adults to decide. And if you already think a prior arrangement trumps a new one, why bother asking her.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:01

Ok. I will think more on how I discuss things with my kids in future, should something like this happen again.

For now, it is done, how do we move on, and what would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:03

I do think a prior commitment trumps a new one, I do think a paid-for local dance show that I know she'll love trumps a party a long drive away of a girl she barely knows.
I wanted to know if that was unreasonable of me, as exH is pushing hard for his party option.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 17:05

What time is the party?

PuttingDownRoots · 06/12/2022 17:07

I don't think a child would really be interested in their aunts boyfriends child attending their birthday party. It seems a bit of an odd invite. A family occasion, like a wedding or Christening, maybe.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:10

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 17:05

What time is the party?

He's not said, only that there's no way she can get back in time for the show.

OP posts:
DiaDeLluvia · 06/12/2022 17:11

Disagree with others. Your DD might have had a strong preference and it could have been sorted easily - you weren’t to know unless you asked.

now that she doesn’t have a preference, you can resume responsibility for the situation (which you are clearly doing).

dance show - more fun, designed entirely with DD in mind, as opposed to dad’s day out which seems to be more about consolidating his relationship than providing a great day out for DD

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:12

PuttingDownRoots · 06/12/2022 17:07

I don't think a child would really be interested in their aunts boyfriends child attending their birthday party. It seems a bit of an odd invite. A family occasion, like a wedding or Christening, maybe.

My thoughts exactly. She'll have her own friends attending. To an 8yo, my DD is a kid she met only once. I'm sure this is ExH and his gf wanting to encourage a bond, rather than Anna going out of her way to invite DD off her own back, but I've suggested this can happen any weekend he has them.

OP posts:
itsthefinalcountdown1 · 06/12/2022 17:17

You should not have put this on your child, this is awful. You and her dad are supposed to be the adults here.

Prebooked tickets trump a later arranged party and you both should know this.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:18

DiaDeLluvia · 06/12/2022 17:11

Disagree with others. Your DD might have had a strong preference and it could have been sorted easily - you weren’t to know unless you asked.

now that she doesn’t have a preference, you can resume responsibility for the situation (which you are clearly doing).

dance show - more fun, designed entirely with DD in mind, as opposed to dad’s day out which seems to be more about consolidating his relationship than providing a great day out for DD

Phew. I'm glad to have someone feel the same, as I really didn't think ill of my asking her opinion.

That's exactly it - if she had a preference, I'd have gone with that. Obviously I'd prefer her to see the show, I'm her mother and RP and know her best - she also loves parties, and I didn't really know how much she knew Anna. If she'd have said they got on great and she'd hate to miss the party, ok, so be it. To find out she's only met her once, barely knows her, I'm really not keen now to sacrifice the show for the party.

And yes re consolidating his relationship with gf and her family. Which I'm ok with, in general, as my kids only have cousins who live a long way away, so to have a family who may become important to them a little closer, I really am ok about, especially with a little girl the same age.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 06/12/2022 17:20

VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:01

Ok. I will think more on how I discuss things with my kids in future, should something like this happen again.

For now, it is done, how do we move on, and what would you do?

She can't go to the party as she's already going to the dance show.

Your ex just needs to apologise to his girlfriend for getting the date wrong. It doesn't need to be this big drama.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:25

thelobsterquadrille · 06/12/2022 17:20

She can't go to the party as she's already going to the dance show.

Your ex just needs to apologise to his girlfriend for getting the date wrong. It doesn't need to be this big drama.

Show quote history

Obviously I agree! 😁

I don't need the drama, just need him to see the error of his ways!

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 06/12/2022 17:32

I agree that as you'd cleared the date with your ex and already booked the dance show, that trumps the party. It's not your fault your ex made a mistake. The dance show sounds way more fun and involves both children, and doesn't involve a long car journey for your DD for a child she barely knows.

Original poster
VegangeIistings · 06/12/2022 17:39

cadburyegg · 06/12/2022 17:32

I agree that as you'd cleared the date with your ex and already booked the dance show, that trumps the party. It's not your fault your ex made a mistake. The dance show sounds way more fun and involves both children, and doesn't involve a long car journey for your DD for a child she barely knows.

My sentiments exactly!

OP posts:
FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 06/12/2022 17:44

I think you tell her Dad that she will be going to the show. Then tell DD that you and Dad have agreed.
End of.