Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date issue, who's being unreasonable?

52 replies

CoffeeAndCosyReads · 06/12/2022 12:12

Hi,

Long time lurker, first time poster here. Sorry for the essay but I want to get as much information out as possible.

Back story: I've been messaging a guy for a while now and we've met twice. The last time we met things was the beginning of November due to a minor op he was having. He wanted to "take things to the next level" away from dating after that date but I didn't feel comfortable as I thought it was too soon. He seemed lovely and we get on great but I've had terrible choice in men in the past so cautious about rushing in to anything.

Now: Fast forward to now. Over the weekend, he said he was feeling well enough after his op to see me if I was free. I was, so we arranged to meet up this morning. However last night I think I ate something dodgy, I was awake most of the night with stomach cramps, being sick and with a bad head. I told him briefly at around 9pm that I wasn't feeling to great but would keep him updated. I really struggled with the pain until I finally fell asleep at 5.45 this morning. I messaged him beforehand again at 4.50am to say that I had not been able to sleep because I felt so awful so definitely think I wouldn't be able to make it today. (I know it was late to message but didn't want to end up finally going to sleep and not confirming I wasn't 100%)

The issue: I have just woke up to a slurry of messages and calls that turned pretty passive aggressive. First few messages asked me twice how I was feeling (so he clearly recieved my 4.50am message), then a few messages to say he was on his way to the meeting point, then I got bombarded and accused of messing him around, wasting his time, women are all the same, etc. It feels completely out of character for how he's interacted with me this far but I'm baffled as to why he still turned up when 1. I'd told him I wasn't well and 2. I hadn't responded to any of his messages this morning because I was asleep.

Am I the unreasonable one here? What are your thoughts and what I do now?

OP posts:
Flurbegurb · 06/12/2022 12:18

Block him

You dodged a massive bullet

sunnydayhereandnow · 06/12/2022 12:19

Big red light. Break off all contact with this guy.

recoveringa · 06/12/2022 12:21

For me I think I'd see it as a red flag.

If he's acting like this, this early on in the relationship you'd have to wonder how he'd act down the line. You said you didn't feel comfortable earlier on in your post - so maybe you had a gut feeling?

Something similar happened me a few months ago - and the change in behaviour came completely out of the blue. I was tempted to overlook it as dating these days is so hard, and I didn't want to have to start again with the whole thing again, but I made the decision that that is not the way I should be treated - especially by someone I didn't know that well.

I met someone else online and we've now been in a very happy relationship for the last 6 months.

category12 · 06/12/2022 12:21

Be pleased he's showed himself up so soon and you don't need to waste any more time on the guy.

Block and delete.

Cwcwbird · 06/12/2022 12:21

Totally agree with pp. And I don't think it's the later messages that are 'out of character', I think he's showing you who he really is

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/12/2022 12:22

Run. Fast.
And don’t look back.

MRSDoos · 06/12/2022 12:24

This is a huge red flag and I’d block him NOW.

LaLuz7 · 06/12/2022 12:24

The issue: I have just woke up to a slurry of messages and calls that turned pretty passive aggressive.

utter loonatic. That's not normal behaviour by a mile.

Block and delete.

napody · 06/12/2022 12:24

It's really great this happened- lucky escape.

It almost makes you want to try this deliberately in the early stages of dating - you don't know someone at all until you've seen how they accept your 'no'.

dizzyupthegirl86 · 06/12/2022 12:24

Think how you’d react in his position.

If you received a message from someone early hours of the morning you were meant to meet, saying they definitely didn’t think they’d make it, WHY would you still go, without at least checking with them?

He’s a loon - maybe he’s just trying to make you feel bad so you fall all over yourself to apologise.

Brefugee · 06/12/2022 12:26

yep, block and forget.

But don't say things like "i don't think i'll make it" when you know you clearly can't. Say "i can't make it we need to reschedule"

Some people see "don't think" and think that means "yep i can make it"

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 12:27

At this stage you don't really know if he got the messages, he could have been asking how you were from the 9pm message. So sounds like it could well be a mix up and him not getting the messages. If he thinks you've just blanked him, he's turned up, now he's annoyed that he wasted his time....I can see his point (if he never got the messgaes). It makes no sense otherwise. No one would see a message saying you're not going, and then still turn up.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 12:28

Bullet dodged

category12 · 06/12/2022 12:30

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 12:27

At this stage you don't really know if he got the messages, he could have been asking how you were from the 9pm message. So sounds like it could well be a mix up and him not getting the messages. If he thinks you've just blanked him, he's turned up, now he's annoyed that he wasted his time....I can see his point (if he never got the messgaes). It makes no sense otherwise. No one would see a message saying you're not going, and then still turn up.

You're really reaching here. he got her other messages but didn't get the early morning one? Pfffft.

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 12:32

category12 · 06/12/2022 12:30

You're really reaching here. he got her other messages but didn't get the early morning one? Pfffft.

Show quote history

Make it make sense

category12 · 06/12/2022 12:40

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 12:32

Make it make sense

Show quote history

Chap felt pissed off when he got the "probably not going to make it" message and no further responses. Threw a strop and showed his arse. Made out that he went to meet her to make her feel worse.

If he convinces her that she's in the wrong, then he "wins" and gains power in their dynamic as the person to be appeased.

Naunet · 06/12/2022 12:43

Ugh, any man that starts tantruming and crying that “all women are the same” when you don’t revolve around them, aren’t worth your time. What a twat.

I hope you feel better today OP.

HannaBinana · 06/12/2022 12:45

Have you asked him if he received the messages to say you're not going to make it? Cranky way of him to deal with things though, no doubt about that.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 06/12/2022 12:48

He obviously got at least some.of the OPs messages that she wasn't well because he asked her how she was.

If I had been messaging someone I knew wasn't well and I didn't get their text to say they weren't turning up and they didn't, I wouldn't go into a rant about their entire sex, and how they wasted my time, I would be concerned they were more ill than they had said.

You've had a lucky escape finding out this one is an arsehole so early OP

LaLuz7 · 06/12/2022 12:51

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 12:27

At this stage you don't really know if he got the messages, he could have been asking how you were from the 9pm message. So sounds like it could well be a mix up and him not getting the messages. If he thinks you've just blanked him, he's turned up, now he's annoyed that he wasted his time....I can see his point (if he never got the messgaes). It makes no sense otherwise. No one would see a message saying you're not going, and then still turn up.

Do you find his aggressive behaviour justifiable then?

CousinKrispy · 06/12/2022 12:52

Even if he didn't get all your messages, he shouldn't be leaving you tons of passive-aggressive messages ranting about being "messed about." A "Sorry, I thought we were meeting up, have I misunderstood?" message would be OK if he'd missed your message, but not his behaviour. You have dodged a bullet!

that said, if something like this happens again, just make sure you are really clear in your cancellation message--from your wording, I wonder if it was a tiny bit ambiguous (did you say "I'm ill and won't be able to make it today" or "I'm ill and definitely THINK I won't be able to make it today"?). That doesn't excuse his behaviour at all and you should definitely block him, but when texts are flying back and forth (or not, because you're asleep) things can get confusing. A crystal clear "I'm sick so I won't be able to meet up today. I'm going back to bed now but let's arrange another time later" could help.

Apologies if I misunderstood and your message to him was actually crystal clear anyway!

Hope you feel better soon.

MavisMcMinty · 06/12/2022 12:59

Hmmm, so it’s OK for him not to see you because he’s been ill/in hospital, but flips out when you’re not well enough to see him? It’s probably a good thing thing this has happened, I wouldn’t want to continue any kind of a relationship with him. “Dodged a bullet” was my first thought and evidently the first thought of some other respondents too.

Sluttypants · 06/12/2022 13:00

I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. Just be grateful he’s shown himself up for what he is, and block him

AlbertaAnnie · 06/12/2022 13:06

Red flag. Keep well away - hope you feel better soon

Bogofftosomewherehot · 06/12/2022 13:09

BLOCK!!