Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date issue, who's being unreasonable?

52 replies

CoffeeAndCosyReads · 06/12/2022 12:12

Hi,

Long time lurker, first time poster here. Sorry for the essay but I want to get as much information out as possible.

Back story: I've been messaging a guy for a while now and we've met twice. The last time we met things was the beginning of November due to a minor op he was having. He wanted to "take things to the next level" away from dating after that date but I didn't feel comfortable as I thought it was too soon. He seemed lovely and we get on great but I've had terrible choice in men in the past so cautious about rushing in to anything.

Now: Fast forward to now. Over the weekend, he said he was feeling well enough after his op to see me if I was free. I was, so we arranged to meet up this morning. However last night I think I ate something dodgy, I was awake most of the night with stomach cramps, being sick and with a bad head. I told him briefly at around 9pm that I wasn't feeling to great but would keep him updated. I really struggled with the pain until I finally fell asleep at 5.45 this morning. I messaged him beforehand again at 4.50am to say that I had not been able to sleep because I felt so awful so definitely think I wouldn't be able to make it today. (I know it was late to message but didn't want to end up finally going to sleep and not confirming I wasn't 100%)

The issue: I have just woke up to a slurry of messages and calls that turned pretty passive aggressive. First few messages asked me twice how I was feeling (so he clearly recieved my 4.50am message), then a few messages to say he was on his way to the meeting point, then I got bombarded and accused of messing him around, wasting his time, women are all the same, etc. It feels completely out of character for how he's interacted with me this far but I'm baffled as to why he still turned up when 1. I'd told him I wasn't well and 2. I hadn't responded to any of his messages this morning because I was asleep.

Am I the unreasonable one here? What are your thoughts and what I do now?

OP posts:
NoDairyNoProblem · 06/12/2022 13:09

File him under ‘dodged a bullet’ and block his number.
Hope you are feeling better this afternoon.

FoldemUp · 06/12/2022 13:11

Crikey! Luck escape @CoffeeAndCosyReads

GerbilsForever24 · 06/12/2022 13:12

Even if you believe, as @MichaelJaxon does, that this is all a big misunderstanding and this poor man was left hanging...

...then I got bombarded and accused of messing him around, wasting his time, women are all the same, etc. This is a HUGE red flag. You dodged a bullet.

PS it wasn't a big misunderstanding and even he was even half way normal he'd have realised what was happening.

WatchoRulo · 06/12/2022 13:13

Anyone saying any group are "all the same" is a massive red flag to me.

pinkfondu · 06/12/2022 13:15

He's a dick, lots of people are. Mi e in.

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 06/12/2022 13:17

Sounds a bit incel to me.
Bullet dodged, block and life your life

NewtoHolland · 06/12/2022 13:24

He sounds very incel. Block and run.

lamaze1 · 06/12/2022 13:24

You said you were not well, hadn't slept and definitely wouldn't be able to meet. Sounds like you were clear leaving no room for confusion.

His response was to try to coax you into meeting him and when that didn't work, he had tried to guilt you into meeting up by travelling to the meeting point.

If he was genuinely interested and a good guy, he'd have respected what you said and wished you well in getting better quickly. Instead he pushed for his own agenda regardless of your feelings. This isn't a good man. He is clearly telling you he likes to be in control and will not give a damn about any boundaries you may have.

I'm not even going to bother commenting on his views of women other than to say that if that is his experience I suspect his frankly unhinged behaviour has consistently driven people away.

extrasushiplease · 06/12/2022 13:27

He did you a favor by showing you who he really is before you got too involved. Believe him and move on. And I hope you feel better soon!

Original poster
CoffeeAndCosyReads · 06/12/2022 13:52

@MichaelJaxon he definitely saw the messages because he quoted other things from that message in the essay after asking how I was feeling.

To me it's common sense not to turn up to a date when someone messaged you 4.5 hours earlier to say they were really unwell. When I woke up and responded to the messages and asked why he turned up without a response knowing I was unwell at 5am.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeAndCosyReads · 06/12/2022 14:03

To clarify my exact words in the message was "God I really don't feel well at all, I can't stop being sick and I've not yet been to sleep. I don't think I'm going to make it today, sorry"

We were supposed to be going for breakfast and then for a walk. Surely if you recieved the above message and got no response then you'd not show up. I do feel really bad and understand if I'm being unreasonable by the wording of my later message to him.

OP posts:
FairyLightAddict · 06/12/2022 14:04

Lucky escape. Block!!

Hope you feel better.

AnonWeeMouse · 06/12/2022 14:08

Of there were a parade for this guy, all the flags would be bright bright red and waving with much vigour. On the back ground, faint traces of Iron maiden singing "Run To The Hills" can be heard..
Make like Neo and be glad you dodged that bullet.

LaLuz7 · 06/12/2022 14:09

@CoffeeAndCosyReads i think that he knew perfectly well that you wouldn't go, but either

  • he didn't actually go, but lied about it to make you feel guilty or
  • he went knowing you wouldn't be there so he could play the victim

I think he was hoping you'd fall over backwards to apologise and make it up to him 🤢, somehow getting the uppper hand and making you feel indebted.

Some men an scheming manipulative bastards like that...

LaLuz7 · 06/12/2022 14:10

Are*

Sparklfairy · 06/12/2022 14:14

I'd be tempted to reply "maybe instead of having a tantrum, you could channel that rage into actually reading my messages. You know the one where I said I wasn't able to make it?"

But of course the best thing to do is just block him Wink hes not worth a response but my god the utter stupidity of him Grin

musingsinmidlife · 06/12/2022 14:24

Is it possible that the 4:50 am message didn't make it 100% clear that you would not be meeting him at all. If you said I don't think I can make it, that could leave him not sure if you were or weren't going to be there as it has ambiguity in it. So he may have been unsure what to do, does he go or not go, you aren't answering his initial messages where he is trying to get clarification so he decides he better do the right thing and go in case you show up. He goes, you still aren't there. is now annoyed you didn't fully cancel or at least have the decency to send a text to answer his clarification texts etc. Not sure what time the meet up was supposed to be but if it was later in the day, then it would seem like he was being ignored and he is annoyed.

Anyways, end it but I have seen women post similar type feelings when stood up by a man.

category12 · 06/12/2022 15:07

CoffeeAndCosyReads · 06/12/2022 14:03

To clarify my exact words in the message was "God I really don't feel well at all, I can't stop being sick and I've not yet been to sleep. I don't think I'm going to make it today, sorry"

We were supposed to be going for breakfast and then for a walk. Surely if you recieved the above message and got no response then you'd not show up. I do feel really bad and understand if I'm being unreasonable by the wording of my later message to him.

Any reasonable person would take that as you were far too ill to be coming.

It's not you, it's him.

Stop worrying about him kicking off as if it's your fault, it is not.

Orangepolentacake · 06/12/2022 15:12

Another one for RUN, for all the reasons already mentioned

Orangepolentacake · 06/12/2022 15:14

musingsinmidlife · 06/12/2022 14:24

Is it possible that the 4:50 am message didn't make it 100% clear that you would not be meeting him at all. If you said I don't think I can make it, that could leave him not sure if you were or weren't going to be there as it has ambiguity in it. So he may have been unsure what to do, does he go or not go, you aren't answering his initial messages where he is trying to get clarification so he decides he better do the right thing and go in case you show up. He goes, you still aren't there. is now annoyed you didn't fully cancel or at least have the decency to send a text to answer his clarification texts etc. Not sure what time the meet up was supposed to be but if it was later in the day, then it would seem like he was being ignored and he is annoyed.

Anyways, end it but I have seen women post similar type feelings when stood up by a man.

It was definitely clear. Also, who would want someone that was that unwell to go out?
I wouldn’t even have wanted to meet with the OP!

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2022 15:17

women are all the same, etc.

He's a misogynist. The universe kindly send you a tummy bug so you could find out. Thank goodness for that.

AnonWeeMouse · 06/12/2022 15:49

A decent person:

"Urgh I don't feel well tonight."

"Aww bless you, we'll put tomorrow on hold u til you feel better. X"

"Ok, I hope it's soon"

A wanker:

"Urgh I don't feel well tonight."

"Well I'll be at the café at 9am.."

"I'm too ill to make it."

*16 New Messages From Wanker
Wanker is Blocked

🤪

caramellattelove · 06/12/2022 15:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2022 15:17

women are all the same, etc.

He's a misogynist. The universe kindly send you a tummy bug so you could find out. Thank goodness for that.

This!

Merryoldgoat · 06/12/2022 15:54

The normal response to that message is ‘oh no - so sorry you’re ill. Obviously I’m disappointed but get better and we’ll reschedule soon. Let me know if you need anything’

He’s a prick and you’re well rid.

category12 · 06/12/2022 15:56

Who would actually want to have a first date with someone who was up all night spewing their guts up anyway?

You wouldn't

  1. In case it was a bug/norovirus instead of food poisoning
  2. Because they'd be too knackered & out of sorts to be any fun
  3. general compassion and niceness.
Swipe left for the next trending thread