Not wanting Christmas with all SILs family?

[WinterBlanket2022]

I said I’d go to my brother and SIL for Xmas this year with my 3 kids. Mum is getting older now and also going. My sister said she’d go. We haven’t had ‘our’ family Xmas for 4 years so was massively looking forward to it.

Now sister can only go after lunch in evening as her husband doesn’t want to come. Not sure how long she can stay.

Now SIL has invited all of her family, both parents separated, siblings for whole day. I don’t know her family, a couple of them fine but so many that I feel like it’s not worth going along. It used to be that they alternated years with SIL family and brothers (mine) so I had accepted invite on that basis. I’ve had a terrible year, one kid has special needs and so many strangers will be too much, my other kids are not keen, and one is leaving for abroad so might be my last Xmas with that child for a while.

I wanted to spend it with my mum though, so offered to her that perhaps I could stay with her instead, have half the day with her and my kids, then go over to SILs / brothers with her family as a compromise. But my mum has refused saying she needs to be the whole day.

AIBU for just changing my mind and having my own quiet Christmas with my kids? I feel quite sad as my mum is getting older, but I it just feels like spending the whole day with so many people I’ve no connection isn’t what I imagined this day to be!

No, the children going to play together, then your DS needing some quiet, or your husband helping with the cooking in the kitchen etc is not what I'd describe as the same thing as taking themselves to do things they enjoy, as I felt you originally did.

Clearly I have a different view of responsibility when cancelling on people. When THEY change the gate posts, I don't think it's unreasonable or remotely rude to also change your mind based on updated info.

Anyway nothing personal, I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Agree, it was OK when your side of family all going to their house but she shouldn't invite her side of family to her own home?!

I'm in the more the merrier camp. If you cancel now I'd be pissed off because it would leave your mum without you for at least two more years and presumably last year too, maybe longer with COVID. Also as host I've already bought most of the Christmas food shop except things like veg and cream, even that is ordered.
Unless your DC is really going to struggle I'd go.

No worries and you too. :-)

I think if you don’t want to go then use your DS as a reason not to otherwise I suspect your brother and SIL will be hurt as it will be very obvious you are cancelling to avoid SIL’s family.

I don’t think your SIL has done anything wrong though. If you want to have a small Christmas with only your immediate family you should host at yours next year when you can control the guest list.

I think it’s a little sad that you don’t want to get to know your SIL’s family better though. After all, they are your brothers family too and unfortunately they may just stop inviting you if you’ve also cancelled previous visits as well due to them being there.

I’m not going. My kids have said they’d prefer not to either, it’s a lot of travel and effort for us and it feels right to just stay at home, for us.

I told brother that I just wanted a quieter Christmas, but completely understood SIL wanting her family, their house their rules! I did apologise and say it’s because it’s not what we usually do, but wished him all the best. Spoke to mum who didn’t mind at all that we are not going and have arranged another weekend with her.

Brother is furious with me! Really furious. I’m a bit taken aback. He was actually pretty horrible to me and called me selfish, and listed all sorts of other things that him and SIL don’t like about me! Am actually pretty upset I’ve made a huge effort with both of them over the years.

Personally I think it’s just so late to cancel on Christmas Day with someone for no real reason. They will already have done prep to host a bunch of people, if my sibling bailed 2 weeks before Christmas I would think they were selfish too.

Wow. You'd think he'd be relieved you're not going if that's how he feels. Must be hard to hear that from your brother, but at least you know you made the right decision. Have a happy Christmas when it comes.

He's probably pissed they've made such a huge effort for you to drop out so close to the date.

I’d be pissed off if guests cancelled at this point as I’ve already ordered and paid for the food, so it would all go to waste. We had to place our order with the butchers by 1st December so plans had to be finalised before then.

It’s nothing to do with the food that he was furious. Also I’m guessing with this big last minute with SIL family that they are flexible otherwise they would have said no to them.

Honeslty I think it’s because over the last few years I’ve had to be more assertive about my families needs mainly because of special needs child and I have also a huge amount to juggle and can’t always fit around others, esp of their plans change I can’t always go with it.

He’s hurt. You and your sister have both binned him off in quick succession.

I disagree that it's rude to drop out three weeks in advance. It sounds like there are going to be lots of people there, two adults and three children dropping out isn't going to waste a lot of food.

On the other hand, if what the event is has been changed by other people being invited, then that is a good reason to drop out. I'm amazed at all the people who can't see that that could completely change how the day will be, and would make a vast difference to wanting to go.

I count at least seven other adults that are going to be there, I don't think the loss of adults number 8 and 9 and their three children will result in much waste.

In any case, three days of misery for five people is too much to ask to prevent the waste of what they would have eaten for one meal.

Possibly he's hurt or maybe he's annoyed he'll now have to look after his Mum!

well done for speaking to him. Although your brother is upset at least you and your children will be having the Xmas in a way you will actually enjoy.

I do understand why your brother would be disappointed but hopefully you can move forward from it. Do you think he was angry because he was looking forward to everyone being together or is there a history of you doing what others want over what you want (so he has expectation that things will be planned round him).

I suspect your SIL has done it on purpose - she knew you wouldn’t go based on previous cancellations.

I think it's pretty rude to invite a bunch of others last minute without checking with your own family first if it's ok. Especially since sil sees her family all the time. You did the right thing, op. Maybe bil is actually annoyed at sil and taking it out on you.

It’s 3 days of 5 people’s worth of food waste. I’d have planned and ordered food for all of those meals.

is there a history of you doing what others want over what you want (so he has expectation that things will be planned round him).

This. Although to be fair he’s not the organiser usually, it’s just he’s so busy, they are a busy couple, with mainly their jobs, friends and her family, that I am the outlier who fits in or else never gets to see them. I guess I’ve accepted that in many ways but this Christmas, I was so looking forward to just rebonding a bit with brother and our family. For me it was important as we get so little chance any other time.

I always just go along and fit around everyone else, always. Last year I didn’t see them over Christmas so arranged to see them after New Year - which involved booking trains and travel, but was cancelled 2 days before! I think they think because I’m seeing my mum anyway cancelling wasn’t a big deal. I don’t know.