Not wanting Christmas with all SILs family?

[WinterBlanket2022]

I said I’d go to my brother and SIL for Xmas this year with my 3 kids. Mum is getting older now and also going. My sister said she’d go. We haven’t had ‘our’ family Xmas for 4 years so was massively looking forward to it.

Now sister can only go after lunch in evening as her husband doesn’t want to come. Not sure how long she can stay.

Now SIL has invited all of her family, both parents separated, siblings for whole day. I don’t know her family, a couple of them fine but so many that I feel like it’s not worth going along. It used to be that they alternated years with SIL family and brothers (mine) so I had accepted invite on that basis. I’ve had a terrible year, one kid has special needs and so many strangers will be too much, my other kids are not keen, and one is leaving for abroad so might be my last Xmas with that child for a while.

I wanted to spend it with my mum though, so offered to her that perhaps I could stay with her instead, have half the day with her and my kids, then go over to SILs / brothers with her family as a compromise. But my mum has refused saying she needs to be the whole day.

AIBU for just changing my mind and having my own quiet Christmas with my kids? I feel quite sad as my mum is getting older, but I it just feels like spending the whole day with so many people I’ve no connection isn’t what I imagined this day to be!

I’ve tried twice this year to visit my brother, booking in advance with SIL, but at the last minute had to cancel SIL said her family were there instead. I find most of them hard work and have no connection to them. This is my Christmas too and my role isn’t just to make others feel OK.

You're not going to build a connection with them if you keep canceling and avoiding them.

I don't like hosting, but when I do I go all out and take a more-the-merrier approach. Maybe your SIL and brother are the same.

You'll be having Christmas with your mum, brother and children.

Personally I'd go, unless your child won't cope.

What's your alternative?

So DB + SIL - had invited you but now made it a circus.
DS + BiL were due to go to your mum but BiL pulled out and for some reason that stops DS.
You offered to cover your Mum for half the day but that isn't good enough - its all day or nothing.

I'd be tempted to say a plague on all of them and stay home with your own family, leaving open the offer of a visit that you can manage to your DM.

I think it’s a bit late to cancel. Most people who are hosting a big Christmas have already ordered their meat for the numbers, started to buy bits of food for the day and booked in their food delivery.

If you’ve ordered your turkey etc it is! A family of 5 dropping out means a lot of excess food going to waste.

Our butcher’s last order date is the 5th of December.

@Ivyonafence I have a thread bare link to my own family as it is. I want to reconnect with them, not ignore that to forge connections with people who don’t have any interest in me and no connection!

Is it your DC that has special needs or a family member's?

yanbu to cancel and stay home
yabu to complain about it, it’s their house they can invite who they want.

Just cancel. Explain that the change in plans will be too much for your DC and for you.

I think if they changed things this late in the day, they can't be surprised. I would not do that DH's or my family and we always host both over the Xmas period.

I’m really shocked at these responses. Like this woman has done something wrong to also invite her own family. That’s fucking batshit. She didn’t offer up and exclusive Xmas.

It's tricky, I understand you saying it's your Christmas to spend with 'your' family but I also think your SIL would like to spend it with her family too (who are also your brothers family now!). Especially if your other sister is bailing due to her DH not liking people!

I think the whole Christmas being shared idea that you do with your DH (alternate years) doesn't then mean everyone else does the same, you can't expect your SIL to bypass her family because you only want to see yours (especially as they're hosting).

If you don't want to go, don't - blame it on whatever you want, but it seems that your Mum is happy to go to their Christmas Day so it's a like it or lump it situation I think.

@WinterBlanket2022 surely you can say to SIL with it being so many people now, DS won’t cope so regretfully you will no longer be attending?

Use this as the perfect excuse to have your own Christmas at home. SIL isn't very accommodating so there is no need for you to be.

YANBU cancel and have a quiet Christmas at home. Maybe do something on Boxing Day with your mum, brother, sister?

I think you need to bite the bullet on this one. Your sister’s already cried off. If you do as well, it sends a message to your brother and SIL which could be quite damaging to your future relationship. It’s unkind to your mum as well.

Do what YOU want to do, don't overthink it!
I have to be at home anyway because of ND kids not coping, but it would be my choice in any case.

I know right? Particularly as the OP was totally fine with her SIL hosting OP’s sister and BIL who obviously aren’t close family to the SIL at all. But SIL isn’t allowed to include her own family, in her own house on Christmas!

People's responses saying 'the more the merrier' and 'bite the bullet' is why half the country have a fucking miserable Christmas. More fool you if you'd rather keep the peace with people who cant even show you personal consideration or understanding. More is absolutely not merrier for lots of people. It is rude to change the plans - which SIL did, not OP. SIL can of course do what she likes in terms of inviting other people, but she cannot expect that everyone will just be fine with strangers/people you don't like or have a relationship with being there too on all of their Christmas. Add in the 3 day trip and it sounds like absolute hell to me.

Who is to say you have to forge connections with your SIL’s family? It’s a bit of small talk here and there and then focus on your family members and children. It’s obvious you don’t want to go because SIL dared to invite her own family to her own home so your brother and her can spend Christmas with both sides so just don’t. If you want to use your SEN child as a reason (understandable) go for it but if you’re trying to reconnect when it’s only on your terms when the connection you said yourself is threadbare it’s going to take longer and they eventually might stop inviting you if this is the hill you choose to die on.

I have a 7yo son with autism, diagnosed at 5, suspected at 3. My in-laws are quite loud when everyone is there and both him and DH struggle and both go to quieter places and do something they enjoy. I have a cordial relationship with my in-laws. I get on with them but since we don’t live in the area and the majority do it turns into them simply talking amongst themselves while I read on my tablet (not one for gossip and feel weird listening to it about strangers) or answer Christmas texts. Other spouses like myself do the same thing and leave them to it and we talk amongst each other or play games with nieces and nephews. By time 6:30pm comes around everyone is heading home to put kids to bed or to enjoy the rest of their evening.

YANBU btw to not want to go but being upset with SIL is not the answer. Cancel now so they know and try to schedule something else with your family for afterwards.

Did SIL spend last year with her family, out of curiosity?

I would use your kid's discomfort around strangers as your excuse. I think that would come across as less rude and gets you out of it.

See this just demonstrates to me how people have different ideas about what is rude. After being invited to a group Christmas and then some members disappearing to do quiet alone activities and others sat on their phones or reading is extremely vvv rude to me!! Yet you simultaneously insinuate OP is having a tantrum about SIL inviting her family. I find it much less rude to just excuse yourself in the first place based on SIL (also rudely imo) changing the agreed plans 🤷‍♀️

I am not insinuating that and if it reads that way to OP, apologies. I’m saying that she isn’t unreasonable to want a quiet Christmas with her family or to just have her family but if she continues to cancel on them as she has said before because she doesn’t like SIL having her family in her own home which her brother seemingly has jo issue with, they’re eventually going to stop asking. Also said she could invite them other out afterwards or did you seem to miss that tidbit.

My son and my DH have sensory issues which everyone is aware of. My son likes to go play in the room with toys and his cousins sometimes join him and they also know when he would like to play and when he needs to be left alone. DH is in the kitchen doing the cooking because it keeps him from being restless and it is quieter in there to him. The Christmas is very casual and everyone is aware of what is going on. His family live close to each other so they see each other all the time and he talks to them 2-3 times a week on the phone or through Skype. If you find that rude so be it, but this is how we do things.

It's a bit unfair to expect her to host your whole family but not to host her own.

I would just cancel if you're not happy going, but maybe frame it in such a way that it doesn't cause offence (eg. It sounds like she will be catering for a huge number of people and you think your DS won't cope with it, and you don't want him causing a fuss so think it'll be best if you bow out for this year)