Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting Christmas with all SILs family?

70 replies

WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:16

I said I’d go to my brother and SIL for Xmas this year with my 3 kids. Mum is getting older now and also going. My sister said she’d go. We haven’t had ‘our’ family Xmas for 4 years so was massively looking forward to it.

Now sister can only go after lunch in evening as her husband doesn’t want to come. Not sure how long she can stay.

Now SIL has invited all of her family, both parents separated, siblings for whole day. I don’t know her family, a couple of them fine but so many that I feel like it’s not worth going along. It used to be that they alternated years with SIL family and brothers (mine) so I had accepted invite on that basis. I’ve had a terrible year, one kid has special needs and so many strangers will be too much, my other kids are not keen, and one is leaving for abroad so might be my last Xmas with that child for a while.

I wanted to spend it with my mum though, so offered to her that perhaps I could stay with her instead, have half the day with her and my kids, then go over to SILs / brothers with her family as a compromise. But my mum has refused saying she needs to be the whole day.

AIBU for just changing my mind and having my own quiet Christmas with my kids? I feel quite sad as my mum is getting older, but I it just feels like spending the whole day with so many people I’ve no connection isn’t what I imagined this day to be!

OP posts:
Schnooze · 05/12/2022 23:19

I don’t blame you. You want to spend Xmas with your family, not a bunch of strangers.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 05/12/2022 23:20

Not unreasonable at all. You and the kids aren’t looking forward to it, so stay home and plan lovely things you all do want to do at home.

MolliciousIntent · 05/12/2022 23:20

You can duck out if you want, but if I were your SIL I'd find that pretty rude at this late stage in the game!

Original poster
WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:23

I’ve only just been told that it’s all SILs family though. Which is a surprise to me. So I guess I also feel that being spring this information so late in the game isn’t that fair on me!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 05/12/2022 23:25

You can duck out if you want, but if I were your SIL I'd find that pretty rude at this late stage in the game!
Three weeks in advance is late in the game?!?!?!?

MamaFirst · 05/12/2022 23:26

I don't think it's rude, given that your SIL is the one who changed the arrangements after inviting you. They must know your Son wouldn't be comfortable in that situation either. A quiet family Christmas sounds perfect. Maybe your Mum could spend Boxing Day with you instead.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 05/12/2022 23:31

If I was your brother and SIL I'd be pretty offended if you dropped out now.
You do you, but you are very unreasonable to try to change your mum's plans to suit your own needs.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 05/12/2022 23:32

WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:23

I’ve only just been told that it’s all SILs family though. Which is a surprise to me. So I guess I also feel that being spring this information so late in the game isn’t that fair on me!

I agree. Maybe just a simple text saying that after some thought you’ve decide to have Christmas at home this year, especially as it’s your last year with all the children at home. Just get telling her over and done with so you can focus on planning something nice at home.

or are you close enough you could just pop in for a couple of hours but stay home the rest of the day?

MiddleParking · 05/12/2022 23:35

When you say you said you’d go to them, do you mean they invited you themselves and you said yes?

Readaboutyourself · 05/12/2022 23:36

I would go just for a few hours in the afternoon when your sister heads over. It’ll be nice to see your mum and break up the day with some family games & whatnot.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 05/12/2022 23:37

I think it sounds fun. They’re hardly strangers - they’re your brothers family. More the merrier!

Original poster
WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:40

I have to travel quite a long way so have to stay 3 days to make it work. Brother and SIL are spending Xmas eve and Boxing Day at SILs family so weren’t keen on me staying either. If I was near no problem I’d just ne like my sister and go later on instead, but I’m not.
I was invited in the basis that it was mainly ‘our’ family. This is how it’s been for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:41

Two of SIL are nice, the rest are really hard work!

OP posts:
FurElsie · 05/12/2022 23:41

I think it's fine to say, now you know it's different circumstances and your child may find it difficult.. but weigh it up, of course if it's not right for your child then that's that, but otherwise it may turn out fun, especially for your older one about to go away, I often find things I'd thought would be lovely just us, actually fall a bit flat on the day, and a shakeup and something different is more fun.

olympicsrock · 05/12/2022 23:43

could you stay with your sister and spend the afternoon with BIL and SIL?

olympicsrock · 05/12/2022 23:44

Sounds a bit miserable for you

Original poster
WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:44

@olympicsrock no her husband doesn’t like any of us!

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 05/12/2022 23:44

It doesn't sound like that many people and I really don't think you can object to your SIL inviting her family to Christmas too. I would find it rude if you dropped out. I also wouldn't really understand why.

Readaboutyourself · 05/12/2022 23:46

WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:40

I have to travel quite a long way so have to stay 3 days to make it work. Brother and SIL are spending Xmas eve and Boxing Day at SILs family so weren’t keen on me staying either. If I was near no problem I’d just ne like my sister and go later on instead, but I’m not.
I was invited in the basis that it was mainly ‘our’ family. This is how it’s been for years.

Ah fair enough. Spend the day as your choose but I would make a decision sharpish so she doesn’t start catering for your family.

saraclara · 05/12/2022 23:52

one kid has special needs and so many strangers will be too much,

Then that's your way out. I'd simply say something along the lines of:

'your Christmas with all the family sounds lovely, but as you know, DC's additional needs make it very difficult for him to be in a very large group of people. I'm sorry to have to back out at this point, but I didn't realise when I accepted your offer, that both sides of your families would be there on the day. Although I'd like to meet them all, the combined numbers would be too much for DC, and managing his stress responses would be difficult for me, and potentially for others, so I think that it's best that I and the kids have our own Christmas at home' etc....

Winter2020 · 05/12/2022 23:52

Your brother in law not wanting to come because he doesn't want to spend the day with your family sounds similar to you not wanting to go due to SIL's family. Interesting mirror of your problem.

I can understand why your mum doesn't want to start planning and catering for Christmas when she thought she didn't have to.

You could stay home this year and invite your family to you next year - that way you are in control of who comes.

Original poster
WinterBlanket2022 · 05/12/2022 23:56

Not the same @Winter2020 I spend every other year with my husbands family because he is my husband! This is my year not to spend it with other family.
I also was going to cater for lunch as my mums. Would never expect her to do it! I always cook for mine if I stay. She’s older and not fair on her.

OP posts:
Bristoluser · 06/12/2022 00:02

Unless your child will be stressed and unhappy then I think you should go.

I'd be offended and hurt if I was your SIL if you changed your mind because if I'd invited my family as well it'd have been because I'd have assumed you'd want to celebrate with them and that you would want to get to know them.

marvellousmaple · 06/12/2022 01:55

I'm a bit confused as to who is who but just do what you are comfortable with ( as in look back in a couple of years from now and not be embarrassed or upset about your decision).

ChildcareIsBroken · 06/12/2022 04:11

Bristoluser · 06/12/2022 00:02

Unless your child will be stressed and unhappy then I think you should go.

I'd be offended and hurt if I was your SIL if you changed your mind because if I'd invited my family as well it'd have been because I'd have assumed you'd want to celebrate with them and that you would want to get to know them.

This.

I don't think there's anything wrong in mixing families in general, the more the merrier.

But if it truly would be too much for your child, then tell your brother and SIL. That they should understand.