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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me, dh and baby. Who is to blame?

56 replies

lucylollipop · 05/12/2022 19:57

Dh and I have a 9 month old dd and I have two primary age kids from previous relationship.

This is dh first baby and he was understandably nervous when she was first born about how to do the practical things. I took the lead with feeding, changing and so on having already done it before twice. Dd also had a few illnesses and health issues early on which made things a bit trickier.

We're now in a situation where she won't go to dh. Or anyone else really. If I have to pop out she screams until I get back. In 9 months dh has bathed her maybe twice. Never done a night feed and won't attempt at feeding her because 'she won't take it off him' (weaning). I admit I have probably taken over and done things my own way but he has never made any meaningful effort to learn and this is the routine we've fallen into.

Needless to say I'm shattered. I do everything for all 3 dc and am due back at work in April. I have no idea how I'll do it as dd is meant to be going to nursery for 3 days but at the moment won't even tolerate her own dad or grandma never mind a stranger.

I've lost my shit today and told him he needs to step up more which he does. But equally I find it so hard to go out and leave them knowing she's going to be upset. And I know that's my fault.

I've lost a bit of respect for him in just how easily he's left everything to me and watched me struggle. He does work hard but there are plenty of opportunities for him to be involved that he's just avoided. How do we fix this? Will it get easier as she gets older? I have to say he is and always has been a brilliant, hands on stepdad with my older kids. I just feel really let down with how little he's done for the baby.

OP posts:
grapestar · 05/12/2022 20:01

You should have made him get involved a lot sooner but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

My DD is similar, she prefers me to do everything with her, but will let her dad if I'm not in the room and she is absolutely fine at nursery.

Only thing I can suggest is to get him involved with you, so bath her together, feed her together so he becomes part of her new normal and go from there, it's going to be baby steps now though

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/12/2022 20:03

Well, you know how to fix it. Your DH needs to start regularly interacting with her, playing with her, etc etc and build up a bond. He could have a specific set of jobs that he does, like bath time every night, or parts of the bedtime routine. He can do meals or snacks with her surely, unless you are literally spoonfeeding every single thing she eats - she can feed herself?

When he's in charge, let him get on with it unless he's doing something actively harmful. If you want to change how he does something, don't interrupt and take over at the time, have a calm discussion at another time preferably when your DD is asleep.

Regarding nursery, you'd be surprised how easily most babies get into their routines and are fine. Even if they cry a little on drop off, they often stop very quickly and are quite happy for the rest of the day.

Original poster
lucylollipop · 05/12/2022 20:05

I absolutely should have. I guess I just felt like it was easier to do things my way and get it done quickly. But long term it's led to her being super clingy to me.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 05/12/2022 20:05

Very often fathers aren't so good with babies. I think the crying gets them bewildered and flustered. When dd is a bit older and especially when she's talking, things will be a lot better. As you're aware, this is partly your fault. Just explain to dh that he needs to be proactive with the baby, and the more time he spends with her the quicker he'll see results.

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2022 20:09

You can’t really blame him if you said it was just easier for you to do everything. He probably felt you didn’t want him to do anything or would tell him how to do it.

When DS was born DH did most bath times as I was BF, so it was his time to bond with him. We then shared bedtime (as we both liked reading books!)

BrookeDavisQueen · 05/12/2022 20:09

Trying to apportion blame is really unhelpful. You need to find a way forward and let go of all the resentment.

He's a good step Dad so you know he's got it in him. The more time he spends in charge of the baby the sooner they'll bond.

MolliciousIntent · 05/12/2022 20:09

I have so many friends in this situation - they micromanaged every aspect of baby care in the early days, making their DP feel superfluous, and then by 8, 9, 10 months they are utterly exhausted but baby is at peak separation anxiety and won't go near dad. They then get really angry with their partners for not being able to calm the baby they've basically trained to rely solely on them.

You need to leave them to it. Let them get on with it. They'll get used to eachother.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/12/2022 20:10

lucylollipop · 05/12/2022 20:05

I absolutely should have. I guess I just felt like it was easier to do things my way and get it done quickly. But long term it's led to her being super clingy to me.

I think it's a real shame that this is causing this situation. He absoloutley should have done more. But it kind of sounds like you didn't think it was worth him learning how?

Original poster
lucylollipop · 05/12/2022 20:13

He hasn't exactly been forthcoming though. I can tell he's not eager or excited or interested. He would rather me do it. He does a lot of the housework and I guess it just ended up this way. For example I'd be doing the bedtime routine while he was cooking dinner.

I know I'm partly to blame. It's not that I didn't want him to learn. And I really don't want her to be upset with him.

OP posts:
WibbleW0bble · 05/12/2022 20:13

I think this is DDs age and personality in large part surely? DH has always been an incredibly involved dad - work was slow and all from home in DCs first months due to covid so he was around a lot. He now works part time and has a day off a week with DC. Despite this, if both of us are around I am always the preferred parent. It goes in phases, but we’ve had long spells of DC screaming until he’s sick if he knows I’m around but DH tries to do anything. I remember 9-12 months ish being really, really bad for this. DC is naturally quite highly strung and has always known exactly what he wants, so I think it’s all just part of who he is. Don’t worry too much about nursery, DC pleasantly surprised me as a baby shame he screams everyday at drop off now at nearly 3.

BloodyShoes · 05/12/2022 20:13

When you start back at work I'm not sure if you think it'll change. I do 95% of everything and still put in a 40hr week. Life sucks for females.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:13

There’s no one to “blame” and using
words like that isn’t helpful.
If you don’t actually let him do that much with the baby, always take over and don’t ever go out and leave him with the baby then he’s always going to be playing a back seat role.

You just need to leave him to get on with it more. The baby will cry if they are used to only being with you but they will soon get over it.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:14

BloodyShoes · 05/12/2022 20:13

When you start back at work I'm not sure if you think it'll change. I do 95% of everything and still put in a 40hr week. Life sucks for females.

It really doesn’t have to be like that though. Why do you accept your partner 5% parenting their own child?

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2022 20:15

If you actually leave the house do you think she will be as upset? Or could he take her to the park without you?

TinaYouFatLard · 05/12/2022 20:16

If you can’t tolerate her being upset, at least while she adjusts, you’re not going to get anywhere. He must step up but you must also step back.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/12/2022 20:16

I can tell he's not eager or excited or interested. He would rather me do it

Wouldn't you feel a bit defeatist about something if its been 9 months and you've been sidelined?

Original poster
lucylollipop · 05/12/2022 20:19

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/12/2022 20:16

I can tell he's not eager or excited or interested. He would rather me do it

Wouldn't you feel a bit defeatist about something if its been 9 months and you've been sidelined?

I haven't purposely sidelined him that's the point. I have tried to get him involved. Example - do you want to feed her? His reply - no she won't take it off me. Doesn't even try.

Of course I was always going to be primary carer, he was back at work when she was two weeks old. But I have tried to involve him when he's available and there's never been any enthusiasm to learn.

OP posts:
sleighedd · 05/12/2022 20:21

You've basically not let him parent for 9 months so you're to blame

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/12/2022 20:21

have tried to get him involved. Example - do you want to feed her? His reply - no she won't take it off me. Doesn't even try

Was he like this from the start though? From your posts it sounds like you've just started to try and do this?

RandomMess · 05/12/2022 20:25

9 months is the classic age for the start of separation anxiety so it's as much about that as anything.

Little and often, it's a phase, it will pass.

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 20:27

Go out and leave him to it. 9 months is a cling age, by the time you’re back at work she will be fine. She will have to be, my DS cried a lot at first, but there was no choice, I had to return to work. He soon got used to it and loved it. Schedule in a spa day, sure your DH will cope

ittakes2 · 05/12/2022 20:29

A parenting consultant once said to me you are being treated like a slave because you are acting like one. It’s not about him stepping up - it’s about you stepping down.

DarkShade · 05/12/2022 20:30

Our situation wasn't like yours in that DP was involved in care, but during maternity leave I naturally did more and it took readjusting when I went back to work and DP had DS for a day. One thing that worked well for us was that he started taking DS out on fun days, a few hours at first and then the full day. This then became their day together. It can be a regular activity, like swimming or soft play, that will be fun for her and so she'll love going with her dad. Then she will be happier to go to him in general as she'll associate him with good times.

parietal · 05/12/2022 20:33

It is hard to play with a 9mo if you aren't familiar with that age group. Things he should do include

  • read board books together
  • play clapping & copying games. If DH copies DD banging on the table etc, she will be fascinated.
  • play peekaboo

As someone said above, little and often is definitely good.

Livelovebehappy · 05/12/2022 20:33

MolliciousIntent · 05/12/2022 20:09

I have so many friends in this situation - they micromanaged every aspect of baby care in the early days, making their DP feel superfluous, and then by 8, 9, 10 months they are utterly exhausted but baby is at peak separation anxiety and won't go near dad. They then get really angry with their partners for not being able to calm the baby they've basically trained to rely solely on them.

You need to leave them to it. Let them get on with it. They'll get used to eachother.

100% this. New mums tend to be hugely protective and tend to take control, wanting to do everything as they feel only they know what to do. Partner then feels side lined, backs off, and then months down the line when there’s an obvious problem on the back of this, he’s called a selfish lazy arse……

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