Me, dh and baby. Who is to blame?

[lucylollipop]

Dh and I have a 9 month old dd and I have two primary age kids from previous relationship.

This is dh first baby and he was understandably nervous when she was first born about how to do the practical things. I took the lead with feeding, changing and so on having already done it before twice. Dd also had a few illnesses and health issues early on which made things a bit trickier.

We're now in a situation where she won't go to dh. Or anyone else really. If I have to pop out she screams until I get back. In 9 months dh has bathed her maybe twice. Never done a night feed and won't attempt at feeding her because 'she won't take it off him' (weaning). I admit I have probably taken over and done things my own way but he has never made any meaningful effort to learn and this is the routine we've fallen into.

Needless to say I'm shattered. I do everything for all 3 dc and am due back at work in April. I have no idea how I'll do it as dd is meant to be going to nursery for 3 days but at the moment won't even tolerate her own dad or grandma never mind a stranger.

I've lost my shit today and told him he needs to step up more which he does. But equally I find it so hard to go out and leave them knowing she's going to be upset. And I know that's my fault.

I've lost a bit of respect for him in just how easily he's left everything to me and watched me struggle. He does work hard but there are plenty of opportunities for him to be involved that he's just avoided. How do we fix this? Will it get easier as she gets older? I have to say he is and always has been a brilliant, hands on stepdad with my older kids. I just feel really let down with how little he's done for the baby.

April is a long way off, it’s a world away in terms of babies and their development. Plenty of time for him to step up and you to back off and let him.

@sleighedd that is incredibly unhelpful, unkind and untrue. The DH has allowed this situation to happen. He's an adult, he isn't incompetent or incapable. He's not even trying. Plenty of fathers get home from work and can't wait to interact with their baby. He could quite easily have made the point that he needs to learn and to have just got on with it.

I think it can be difficult in any situation to try and do something when someone is so obviously confident, in charge and maybe a little dominant.

I don’t think it’s helpful to try to apportion blame, it just adds to the frustration.

i do think it’s hard to get in there and learn to do something when someone else is just getting on with it and when you’re not really confident in what to do. But yes he certainly needs to do more.

you are just going to have to leave him to get on with it and don’t intervene when he’s doing stuff, even if he’s not doing it how you do it. Unless it’s literally a safety issue, let him do it his way. If possible leave the house or at least the room so he doesn’t feel watched - it’s a hundred times worse trying to do something stressful if you feel
someone is watching or listening.

as for nursery, it’s really common for babies to be clingy as they often start nursery at the peak of separation anxiety. But a good nursery will be able to reassure them and they’ll develop an attachment to their keyworker before too long.

You martyred yourself. You are the only one to blame. Now pull your big girl panties on, leave the baby with him and go out. She will get used to it, but more importantly you will too

Why are so many posters willing to blame a woman for a man’s shortcomings?

My DH didn't have a choice. I just gave him the baby. I didn't ask him if he wanted to take her. As a result, I left him to it and sometimes she even preferred him to me. He got great at changing, feeding and bathing. Give him more time with the child and stop taking over.

So he works FT and does a lot of the housework and cooking too?
And you say yourself that you took over the childcare as it was easier and you knew what you were doing.

It sounds like this is what you’ve wanted but now you want a change and so you’re getting annoyed with DH.

The fact that she’s clingy isn’t his fault.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand and look forward instead of in the past.

I would have a chat with him about your anxiety about leaving her when you go back to work and that after Christmas you need to leave her with him for increasing amounts of time until you are able to leave her all day without fuss.

Start with 10 minutes and then slowly increase it.
She probably will cry at first but she’ll soon realise you’re coming back.

It's tough. He will start building a proper bond with her when he interacts with her when she isn't crying for you. How about you do things like playing, bath and bed together for a while, and eventually transition to him alone?

So you took over completely and did everything, excluding him (because it was easier) and now your DD is going throught the clingy phase, and you are blaming him for not stepping in and taking over. Even leaving them together you are still fussing and reluctant to leave them to it. You've made a rod for your own back, and I suggest small steps to let him do things with his baby.

I think try and shelve any “blame” for the current situation and work out how to move forwards. I think a lot of people find themselves in a similar position and I can’t imagine relishing my baby crying for it’s primary carer while I learnt the ropes. But things definitely need to change. April is a long time away for a baby so things will be completely different then anyway but you can ease changes in from now. I would pick one easy thing per day for him to start with eg he always gets her up or always does the last nappy change. Then add one more thing on a very routine basis each week or couple of weeks.

I think other posters are harsh. Men often think women just instinctively know how to do all things babies and parenting and just step back to let us deal, meanwhile we fill the gap because you can't let your baby go hungry/get nappy rash etc. And it just snowballs.

9m is peak separation anxiety so it will be a tough time to start anything, but you've got to start somewhere.

My only advice would be for them to go out the house and do something fun together like feeding ducks or park etc to start. My DD didn't notice in the kerfuffle of getting to go out that I wasn't there, whereas if I left she knew all about it. Also subtle things like him feeding her whilst you are still there, or him taking over bath for a minute while you fuss with a towel nearby then gradually retreat a bit.

Bit mean to get annoyed at him for ‘not stepping up’ when you admit you have muscled in and done things your own sweet way. You need to let them bond.

The OP clearly said she took over and did it her way. Part of being a parent is to learn how to do it your way. It is not to be told you have to do it this way unless it is a safety issue. OP should have let him do things and tried to find his own way of doing things. He has to be allowed to do things his way and to learn what works for him and his child and part of that is OP stepping back. He is hardly lazy if he is doing cooking/household stuff whilst OP is doing bath and bed time

I was thinking the same thing. My dp is brilliant with our dd, wfh a lot so is around most of the time. I stay at home and am very close with my dd but he does loads for her too and plays with her a lot. She still goes through phases where she tries to insist on me doing everything for her, not dad, not teacher in play group, nobody but me. She used to throw tantrums and cry No mummy do it when someone else tried to help her. She has pretty much gotten over it now except when she’s sick. For your own sake and for their relationship, he needs to do more but there’s no point blaming yourself, she might be like this anyway.

It doesn't matter now about how much blame and self flagellation the OP must show for deliberately martyring herself and dominating her husband

The important point is what can she do now to change things.

^

This in spades!

There's no point in assigning blame when the OP knows and has said that she did the wrong thing. What is the point, other than for the satisfaction of those posting, to repeatedly point out to her the mistake she knows she made.

Sorry but you are to blame. But I don’t think dwelling on that helps. Have a proper discussion with your DP about how you move forward, make a plan for it. It will help you to understand each other’s position and work together, focus on benefiting the child

Please do not lay the blame at your OH's door. I have seen situations where Mum seems so competent (and if you have already done it all twice then you will be) that the man feels deskilled and pushed out. It would be very easy for him to feel helpless.

The answer is to be open with each other; tell him that you realise it must be hard for him not having done it before and seeing you just sailing on.

Please do not lose your shit with him! - work together to move on, basically by doing lots of things together so that your DD gets used to him being involved - it might be a slow job, but do stick with it - you will all reap the rewards.

Zero point thinking about who's to blame, the goes for both you being hard on yourself and you questioning why he won't do this and that.

Start involving him. It will be difficult as you said he is doing housework while you are doing bed time routine so if you start doing these things together it will mean rejigging the housework routine too! I love PPs suggestion of doing routines together first and then leaving it to him. He needs to build up his confidence with her. Ye will get there 💕