Me, dh and baby. Who is to blame?

[lucylollipop]

Dh and I have a 9 month old dd and I have two primary age kids from previous relationship.

This is dh first baby and he was understandably nervous when she was first born about how to do the practical things. I took the lead with feeding, changing and so on having already done it before twice. Dd also had a few illnesses and health issues early on which made things a bit trickier.

We're now in a situation where she won't go to dh. Or anyone else really. If I have to pop out she screams until I get back. In 9 months dh has bathed her maybe twice. Never done a night feed and won't attempt at feeding her because 'she won't take it off him' (weaning). I admit I have probably taken over and done things my own way but he has never made any meaningful effort to learn and this is the routine we've fallen into.

Needless to say I'm shattered. I do everything for all 3 dc and am due back at work in April. I have no idea how I'll do it as dd is meant to be going to nursery for 3 days but at the moment won't even tolerate her own dad or grandma never mind a stranger.

I've lost my shit today and told him he needs to step up more which he does. But equally I find it so hard to go out and leave them knowing she's going to be upset. And I know that's my fault.

I've lost a bit of respect for him in just how easily he's left everything to me and watched me struggle. He does work hard but there are plenty of opportunities for him to be involved that he's just avoided. How do we fix this? Will it get easier as she gets older? I have to say he is and always has been a brilliant, hands on stepdad with my older kids. I just feel really let down with how little he's done for the baby.

Never fear @WibbleW0bble, that's another specific age thing I think... my highly-strung 3.5 year old had awful dropoffs at just that age. Is yours among the oldest in a 2-3 "room" of the nursery? I was so worried about mine moving to a different room but everything improved once she was in the lovely stimulating bigger kids room.

Okay so I’m going with a different approach here because I have had similar issues in a ask and don’t get sense… I understand you may have started things one way which is now starting to bite you in the but however that doesn’t mean you should stay stuck in a rut.

So I see you are asking him to do things and he doesn’t try and gives you an excuse as to why he can’t do it and in turn you just give in and do it yourself, correct me if I’m wrong.

Instead of Asking him have you tried to tell him to do X Y Z, and when he gives you an excuse you tell him that he wouldn’t know if that’s the case until he tries and perseveres because he is also making it true by not trying.. To go along with that you need to leave it to him. If it’s feeding then when your asking him to feed the baby, while he is responding put the bottle in his hand and hand the baby over and leave it to him.

You said it would be things like you bathing the baby while he cooks dinner, so tell him to do the bath instead while you cook the dinner, you can even go the extra step and run the bath for him but that’s purely down to you as you will have to be cooking dinner anyway.

Basically what I am saying is that instead of giving him the option to refuse, tell him to do it while passing that duty over to him… if it’s something he can’t do as he will usually do something else then switch responsibilities and you do what he does and vice versa. If it’s a time he doesn’t usually do anything else then use that time to do whatever you want to.

As much as you need a break and to rest and it seems counterintuitive to switch duties as your still not getting a chance to rest, this initial time is about him learning his excuses won’t work anymore and he will have to step up regardless if he wants to or not after all it’s his responsibility as the father.

once you get him to start doing his part and you know the old excuses can no longer be used anymore, that’s when you can take some extra time to yourself without worrying that he can’t manage and it will be distressing for the LO. I think he doesn’t just need to prove he can do it to himself but also to you so you have the confidence to leave him to it without worrying.

There is no point in playing the blame game at this point as you just need to get it changed over now so this doesn’t continue on into a situation where you are feeling like you can no longer take it anymore. Now is time to help yourself by stepping down and switching roles, it might be uncomfortable at first but will be worth it in time.

One of my children was like this at that age. From the moment DH walked through the door from work, he would take over everything baby related until they went to bed. He did most feedings and bedtime etc.
Child still had a few months where he couldnt go near. It was just a phase and passed after a few months, but it was hard.

My niece is like this atm. My sister went back to work full time very early. Her child has 1 day with dad, 1 day with mum, 1 day with me, 1 day with grandma and 1 day with other grandma every week. She is basically “trained” to be with different people, but she has really bad separation anxiety atm and when my sister is around shes very clingy and she is very upset when she first gets dropped off. Shes a bit older (1.5) so we can talk to her and calm her down once sister is gone, but its always tough for her to see mum go. This was never an issue before and her schedule was like this since she was 4months old.

Not really helpful, but just to let you know its not necessarily something you “trained” your baby to do.

It doesn't have to suck if you don't have your bar so low.

It's a shared responsibility. He should step up more, you need to leave him to it more.

Your dd will adjust and will settle in childcare, so don't worry.

I don't think he's to blame. You took the lead, baby was sick and rejected his efforts. He hasn't had a chance. You'll both have to be very proactive to change this.