To not travel 300 miles to see my dad

[Algor1thm]

My dad lives 5 hours drive from us (with no traffic, in reality it often takes longer). We have a 2 year old and in a few months will have a newborn as well.

It's a long story but we're not welcome at his house due to his wife, who had a fall out with my brother a couple of years ago and since then she doesn't want to see any of us until my brother apologises, which he won't do. It's not something I have control over as it's not my argument, but FWIW my brother is hugely in the right and she's a nasty piece of work so I'm perfectly happy not seeing her, other than the inconvenience it causes re: visiting.

We tend to make the journey once a year at Christmas, and stay in a hotel or Airbnb, which costs several hundred quid with accommodation and petrol. My dad makes the trip to us 2-3 times per year. We have a spare room so he doesn't have to pay for accommodation. He's also retired and has no other grandchildren, so really has very few responsibilities or time pressures compared to DH and I who are both working and have soon to be 2 little ones. He's also fairly loaded, so the petrol costs aren't an issue for him.

My dad is annoyed as he feels that he makes most of the effort and he would only see his grandchild once a year if it were up to me. He feels it's unfair that he makes more trips than us, and that we should do at least 2 trips to him per year.

Honestly, I'm dreading the 5+ hour car journey each way with our 2 year old at Christmas, and can't imagine doing it more than once a year, especially once the new baby is here. Because of the cost of accommodation we can only afford to stay 2 nights, so it's 2 long drives practically back to back.

AIBU though? If my dad is right I'd like help to see his POV.

YANBU. Obviously.

He should have thought before allowing his wife to banish his kids.

Would he pay for your hotel and petrol?

Reasonable not to go especially with young children. If you do go, maybe once a year in spring or summer.

What does your dad say when you point out that he gets to come and stay at yours for free but you have to pay out a fortune to stay near him?

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't do it even once, with the background you have given.

He has chosen his wife, he can accept the consequences.

Don't give it another thought, he's not worth it.

Tell him you can't travel that far with a newborn

Is there anywhere nice somewhere in the middle that you could have a long weekend shortbreak holiday? Offer that as a compromise?

Say to him that if he was willing to pay for your accommodation you’d visit in the summer as well. Point out that he gets free accommodation and the reason you don’t is his wife holding a grudge.

I think you should go. We tend to get into the space of keeping score and all that does is create and maintain resentment. Don't allow your picking sides divide your dad from your children and you. If you must, have a heart to heart with your dad encouraging him to talk to SM to let this go. Although you are not children you are his children and he should stand up for you. Remind him no one is getting younger.

YANBU

Just tell him he's welcome at yours anytime but you can't come to him as nowhere to stay. And leave it at that.

If he suggests hotel or airbnb just say no that's not suitable with young children. Repeat.

If you're getting an Airbnb anyway, why not pick somewhere in the middle between you and your dad? Get an extra room and he can stay with you (and share the costs). Might be a way of saving money on fuel and accommodation.

For the financial and the wife reasons I'd say YANBU

Not wanting to drive 5hrs to see your dad I would say YABU.

I moved 4 hrs from my parents with my then 5 year old, we travel back multiple times a year, I've even done it as a day trip with my youngest when he was a baby. It's long, but it's important to me to spend time with them, my dad is now terminally ill (and can't handle having the boys around for more than an overnight stay now, or travel to us), it was 100% worth all the long drives while he was in good health

I don’t think you need to make the trip with a newborn. However, once the baby is older, you should do your share of traveling.

with very young kids I wouldn’t necessarily expect the split to be even. Maybe 2 of his visits to 1 of yours, but you should still put in the effort and assure him that when the kids are older and a bit easier to travel with, you intend to reciprocate more evenly.

the issue with his wife really doesn’t factor in for this particular question.

Even if you were the best of friends, you wouldn’t necessarily be able to stay in their home. Getting a hotel when you go to visit family is just one of life’s expenses.

the issue with his wife is actually quite a big deal. It’s hard to imagine a scenario where I could be banned from my father’s house and still continue to have a real relationship with him His agreeing to the situation would seriously damage the relationship.

Tell him you'll visit when his wife stops her ridiculous ban that had nothing to do with you. He has to come to you because he has allowed that to continue, it is his choice.

It ends up in a conversation about how my brother should apologise and I should convince him to if I don't want to spend money, and I say I really don't want to get involved and never have. And it goes round and round in circles.

@Theunamedcat @pistachioshells I've suggested having a weekend away halfway many times, he says he doesn't want to spend that amount of money multiple times a year to spend time with his grandchild. Which I understand, but that's why him staying at ours is a good option imo.

I've tried to get him to talk sense into his wife many times and have given up. I'm not sure why we can't all just agree to disagree and put it to one side. Which to be fair my brother is willing to do, and suggested it from pretty early on. She's insistent that without a full and unequivocal apology from him she's not having any of us in her house.

To be completely honest I think she was looking for an excuse to cut ties with us and keep my dad away from us. She's very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. It's such an overreaction (especially to extend it to all 3 of us when she only had an argument with 1 person) than that's all I can assume.

Just go see your Dad. Mine died two weeks ago. I’d give anything to travel 300 miles to see him.

I agree re: a hotel often being an expected expense. However when there is an almost empty 5 bedroom house down the road and you're spending hundreds of pounds to stay in an Airbnb in the next village, it does feel like a big waste of money! They live very rurally so there are very few options and no cheap ones. It's all rustic Airbnb cottages and small, boutique hotels.

if you drop the travel equity question and put the emphasis on the house ban and the family rift, I would change my answer entirely. As long as your father chooses to let this ridiculousness stand, you shouldn’t have to go to great lengths to make the relationship work. He is making a decision that divides the family.

there are plenty of times when people just face the travel equity question. The family dynamics are so much more important, You could come up with many other scenarios where this rift placed an extra burden on your family in order to keep up the relationship. It’s not really about the travel.

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sorry you have someone in your family that is acting to divide your dad's first family from him and that your dad can't see that and defend you. It must hurt.
all I can say is don't participate in keeping the animosity going. It may be difficult to keep your head up, it may cost you more money in travel expenses etc., but you will be ensuring your kids hey memories of time spent with their grandfather. Maybe at some point you can extend an invitation to SM to mend fences. Maybe. In the meantime just keep trying. I say this as a daughter who misses her dad and wishes he could have met his namesake. As long as we are above ground there is always the chance to repair relationships. It sounds like you are taking the high road (and literally the long one!) Sending you best wishes for a happy Christmas.
Gotta run, Havoc has somehow moved stroller from hall to kitchen and pushing it into the cupboard door! 🙀

Your dc really do not need such a man in their lives..
My df also put his dw ahead of me and my dc.

She is welcome to him.
Spineless men are ten a penny.
And pointless.
My dc are not suffering without him around.

I wouldn't spend my time or money going to see such a spineless excuse of a man

With very young kids I’d only be willing to make a trip like that for a week away. I’ve done that many times with a longer drive, and now have three kids, but I would always have a good break in between. Either a holiday or staying at MILS. If we had to pay for an air bnb we couldn’t afford it these days. You need to
explicitly state that you cannot afford it and it’s his choice not to allow you in his home/allow his wife to ban you from their home. Which is a pretty mean thing to do when you already live miles away and aren’t even part of the argument.

we can’t afford to visit our family that are 300+Ike’s more than once a year now with more kids, expensive fuel and having nothing leftover after paying for childcare. It’s the way things are these days and your dad should accept that. One person travelling is so much easier than a whole family and he’s not even willing to host you!

Tell him you’ve booked accommodation, go and turn up on the doorstep with a story about a mix up with the bookings and force your way in. You only need stay once to prove the point that you can rub along well enough with his wife and could come more often if you were allowed to stay in their house each time.

Just say you can't afford it.