To not travel 300 miles to see my dad

[Algor1thm]

My dad lives 5 hours drive from us (with no traffic, in reality it often takes longer). We have a 2 year old and in a few months will have a newborn as well.

It's a long story but we're not welcome at his house due to his wife, who had a fall out with my brother a couple of years ago and since then she doesn't want to see any of us until my brother apologises, which he won't do. It's not something I have control over as it's not my argument, but FWIW my brother is hugely in the right and she's a nasty piece of work so I'm perfectly happy not seeing her, other than the inconvenience it causes re: visiting.

We tend to make the journey once a year at Christmas, and stay in a hotel or Airbnb, which costs several hundred quid with accommodation and petrol. My dad makes the trip to us 2-3 times per year. We have a spare room so he doesn't have to pay for accommodation. He's also retired and has no other grandchildren, so really has very few responsibilities or time pressures compared to DH and I who are both working and have soon to be 2 little ones. He's also fairly loaded, so the petrol costs aren't an issue for him.

My dad is annoyed as he feels that he makes most of the effort and he would only see his grandchild once a year if it were up to me. He feels it's unfair that he makes more trips than us, and that we should do at least 2 trips to him per year.

Honestly, I'm dreading the 5+ hour car journey each way with our 2 year old at Christmas, and can't imagine doing it more than once a year, especially once the new baby is here. Because of the cost of accommodation we can only afford to stay 2 nights, so it's 2 long drives practically back to back.

AIBU though? If my dad is right I'd like help to see his POV.

I would never put my child in the situation of having to witness what the fallout from that would be. There's every chance she still wouldn't let us in the door, and if she did she would almost definitely go absolutely mad about it. She can be extremely verbally abusive when riled up, and doesn't care if there are kids present or not. Which is the basis of the argument with my brother.

I would go and see my dad. Stay in a hotel. A couple of times a year is nothing. Your OP is just full of excuses but the reality is if you wanted to see him you would. It doesn't even have to be over Christmas, you could arrange visits in march snd September or something.

I would tell him straight "it's not my fault I can't visit your home, you need to sort your wife out and maybe put your family first for once." YANBU. I wouldn't make the effort either.

Completely agree.

I would no more be putting my children through a 5 hour drive for a man who would allow his abusive ban me from his home.

He wouldn't be staying in my home either.

Your father is one of life's losers.

Such men add nothing to your childrens lives.

You could ask him down more frequently to your house if you want.

A five hour drive is far too much for a tiny baby.

I was also posting to say I totally agree with @Sprouttreesareamazing & @billy1966
What is the bloody point of making life difficult for yourself & DC? He either sorts his wife out or I would just stop going.

The half way option is a good one and he should know it. I bet you could rent somewhere cheaper and larger than what you are getting near him.
If he’s not offering you any hospitality then there is no reason to go all the way to his, especially with small children.

I won’t go to DHs home town now as no one offers us any hospitality at all, never have done. When his parents were alive that was fine as we stayed and ate there etc. I’m also not driving 5 hours somewhere where people make no effort.

Your dad expects you to travel 5 hours being heavily pregnant and with a 2 year old. He’s let his new wife cut you out for no reason.
Sorry but I am not sure I would even be bothered with letting him stay with you let alone you drive to him! What a selfish twat sorry.

I'm a father and a stepfather having been a child and stepchild myself.

What I would say is that it's a parent's responsibility to provide unconditional love, not the child's. Always. No matter how old the children. I also learned over the course of my relationship with Mrs Unicorn that she'd savagely defend Little Unicorns 1 & 2 even if they were clearly in the wrong. As it happens, I've learned the same behaviour; I also defend LU1, 2 and 3 no matter what, I'm always on their side and that's something that'll never change. That's because I'm their dad. For me, my children, I don't differentiate between step or natural, come first before me and before everyone. All of them have my unconditional love, something I never had myself, and they will never ever lose it.

It should be your father making the trip even if there wasn't this argument going on, purely because you have a 2 yo plus another on the way and it'd be much more difficult for you to travel that distance. Travelling with young children is far more difficult than simply travelling with an extra couple of bodies in the car. Keeping children strapped to car seat for 5 hours is not easy, and should be avoided at all costs if possible. There's no way I'd be putting my child and grandchildren through that if I could help in any way.

When it comes to the family disagreement, it's abundantly clear that your dad needs to be the one who makes the effort. I grew up with a very controlling and manipulative stepfather. Unfortunately, my mother was the same as your dad and sided with my stepfather into my adulthood. Although I was easy to manipulate when younger, that was eventually no longer the case. It got to a point where I was being threatened with being cut off and I was prepared to go through with that. As it happened, the threats came to nothing, but I had "surrogate parents" at my wedding ready to take their place if they didn't turn up on the day.

All I can say is, obviously only you can make the final decision, but make your decision jointly with your husband and make it based on YOUR (you and your husband's) best interests, not your dad's. That's how life and parenthood should be. Don't be bullied by a manipulative and controlling stepmother, stick close to your brother and do get involved if need be.

Good luck and take care.

She sounds horrendous so wouldn’t actually want her around my DC.

But if your DF prioritises her and accepts her behaviour then he is the one who has to make the effort of travelling and spending money. You are not stopping him come to you so you are keeping the relationship going.

The question is will you regret not seeing him in years to come. If the answer is no then YANBU. If you'll regret barely having a relationship with him then YABU. I'd personally make the trip, but I lost my Dad last year so would give anything....x

@MichaelJaxon but she is seeing him, but not just willing to fork out sums of money to stay near him because his wife won’t let his DC in their house

I completely agree with everything @UnicornsHaveDadsToo said. Your dad is being an idiot OP.

I wouldn't be surprised if the stepmum would prefer your dad not to have any involvement with your siblings at all. Even if your brother apologised it wouldn't be the end of it. Your Dad needs to stand up to her if he wants a meaningful relationship with you and your DCs.

Oh and to everyone who has lost thier Dads, I am sorry for your loss, but did your dads behave like OP's dad and banish you and your DCs from the house?

@toomuchlaundry yes, but she's also mentioned she doesn't like the wife so is happy to not go there. As I said, only the OP will know if her involvement with her Dad is enough for her, if it is then great don't make the trip and don't worry about it.

No way would I be doing a 5 hr plus journey with a baby for someone else's benefit. It is not safe for a young baby to spend hours in a car seat, aside from the massive inconvenience and cost.

If your dad continues to push, I would start to challenge the idea that your brother should apologise. You do have an opinion, you're just not sharing it with your dad, which I understand.

Any circular arguments can be met with 'I disagree' or 'you know I have a different opinion on that'.

If the upshot is that your dad does not see you at all, that is the consequences of his behaviour to his children.

Does your SM ever go away? Maybe you can time a visit to co-incide with that?

So let me get this straight - you drive for 5 hrs plus to stay in a small hotel or airbnb. Presumably you transport up standard luggage, plus all the Christmas extras - including food if it's an airbnb. You and your family are not allowed in the house during that time. I assume your Dad visits during the day - for how long ? Do you provide food and drink ? Gifts ?

Sod that for a bunch of soldiers.

And not wanting to meet up half way as it costs money - well that says a lot doesn't it.

I'd be cancelling the accommodation, finding a nice place to stay approx half way and choosing a date in the New Year and saying we'll be here - come and join us

This. Tell him when he and his wife stop being so pathetic they can get involved. It's his doing, not yours.

My DM lives a similar distance and refuses to travel to me, either driving or by public transport, and also refuses to meet halfway. She is late 70s now, but its always been like this, it isnt an age thing. So guess what, she doesn't get to see me as much as she'd like! And I don't even have young kids to factor in. YANBU OP. If you'd actually like to see your dad more and happy to go to the effort / expense then do, but if its mainly for his benefit and you're not bothered then he needs to make the effort.

You're not at all unreasonable to not make the trip with a small baby, or because you can't afford the expense.

Beyond that ... how do you feel about your dad? Do you feel close and enjoy time in his company? Is his relationship with your children important to you and to the children? It may be worth it for you to resume the trip once a year when the baby is older in order to keep the relationship going, even if it means expense and compromise.

It sounds as though your dad is potentially being controlled, abused, and isolated from his family by an abusive partner and that is of huge concern. I hope you can keep in contact with him, but at the same time you can't fix the problem for him and you shouldn't be subjected to manipulation and abuse by his partner yourself. It sounds like he's not ready to admit what's going on and make changes himself yet.

I know it must be very difficult for you being caught in the middle. I would suggest you seek advice from a domestic abuse organisation about how to deal with this. How do you feel about your children being in contact with his wife if you resume visits and her behaviour continues in this way?

Like hell would I be travelling 5 hours with tiny kids.... To stay in expensive accom as this woman has banned you.....

Your father is enabling her to treat you badly..

He can travel.

Did you miss the parts where OP pointed out the abusive character of DF's wife? I rarely go on for this type of argument because situations usually aren't equivalent, but I bet if this was about a DM being controlled by an abusive husband posters would sing to a different tune. Accusing an abuse victim of being spineless is just vile, whether they be male or female.

OP, this one is really difficult especially given the needs of your young kids. If I were you I'd repost this in Relationships where posters have much more experience advising in similar circumstances. Have you considered that isolating your dad from his family is exactly what his monstrous wife is trying to accomplish? Especially with the wholesale banning of siblings who had nothing to do with the original "offence" in the first place.

No, I didnt miss it. I would say the same if it was her mother.
His wife "allows" him to travel and stay with her a few times per year. If she was controlling his every move, that wouldn't happen.
Both of them are trying to control the OP and her siblings with their actions

It should be your father making the trip even if there wasn't this argument going on, purely because you have a 2 yo plus another on the way and it'd be much more difficult for you to travel that distance.

This. The acrimony with his wife is irrelevant. We always travel to see the son who has two small children because it’s easier for us to travel and it’s easier for them to be in their own familiar surroundings.