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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not travel 300 miles to see my dad

64 replies

Algor1thm · 05/12/2022 17:19

My dad lives 5 hours drive from us (with no traffic, in reality it often takes longer). We have a 2 year old and in a few months will have a newborn as well.

It's a long story but we're not welcome at his house due to his wife, who had a fall out with my brother a couple of years ago and since then she doesn't want to see any of us until my brother apologises, which he won't do. It's not something I have control over as it's not my argument, but FWIW my brother is hugely in the right and she's a nasty piece of work so I'm perfectly happy not seeing her, other than the inconvenience it causes re: visiting.

We tend to make the journey once a year at Christmas, and stay in a hotel or Airbnb, which costs several hundred quid with accommodation and petrol. My dad makes the trip to us 2-3 times per year. We have a spare room so he doesn't have to pay for accommodation. He's also retired and has no other grandchildren, so really has very few responsibilities or time pressures compared to DH and I who are both working and have soon to be 2 little ones. He's also fairly loaded, so the petrol costs aren't an issue for him.

My dad is annoyed as he feels that he makes most of the effort and he would only see his grandchild once a year if it were up to me. He feels it's unfair that he makes more trips than us, and that we should do at least 2 trips to him per year.

Honestly, I'm dreading the 5+ hour car journey each way with our 2 year old at Christmas, and can't imagine doing it more than once a year, especially once the new baby is here. Because of the cost of accommodation we can only afford to stay 2 nights, so it's 2 long drives practically back to back.

AIBU though? If my dad is right I'd like help to see his POV.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 12:25

How often does he see your siblings OP? Could just you tag along with one of their visits once a year?

Calmdown14 · 06/12/2022 12:58

Can you meet up part way? I do this with my family a lot. We incorporate it into trips away/ places we would like to go..

Make the most of off peak holiday while you can for a few short breaks that your dad could tag along to and split the cost?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/12/2022 19:28

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 06/12/2022 10:03

I'm a father and a stepfather having been a child and stepchild myself.

What I would say is that it's a parent's responsibility to provide unconditional love, not the child's. Always. No matter how old the children. I also learned over the course of my relationship with Mrs Unicorn that she'd savagely defend Little Unicorns 1 & 2 even if they were clearly in the wrong. As it happens, I've learned the same behaviour; I also defend LU1, 2 and 3 no matter what, I'm always on their side and that's something that'll never change. That's because I'm their dad. For me, my children, I don't differentiate between step or natural, come first before me and before everyone. All of them have my unconditional love, something I never had myself, and they will never ever lose it.

It should be your father making the trip even if there wasn't this argument going on, purely because you have a 2 yo plus another on the way and it'd be much more difficult for you to travel that distance. Travelling with young children is far more difficult than simply travelling with an extra couple of bodies in the car. Keeping children strapped to car seat for 5 hours is not easy, and should be avoided at all costs if possible. There's no way I'd be putting my child and grandchildren through that if I could help in any way.

When it comes to the family disagreement, it's abundantly clear that your dad needs to be the one who makes the effort. I grew up with a very controlling and manipulative stepfather. Unfortunately, my mother was the same as your dad and sided with my stepfather into my adulthood. Although I was easy to manipulate when younger, that was eventually no longer the case. It got to a point where I was being threatened with being cut off and I was prepared to go through with that. As it happened, the threats came to nothing, but I had "surrogate parents" at my wedding ready to take their place if they didn't turn up on the day.

All I can say is, obviously only you can make the final decision, but make your decision jointly with your husband and make it based on YOUR (you and your husband's) best interests, not your dad's. That's how life and parenthood should be. Don't be bullied by a manipulative and controlling stepmother, stick close to your brother and do get involved if need be.

Good luck and take care.

You sound amazing. Tears here. 💕

AnneElliott · 06/12/2022 19:35

I would t be making the effort when he allows his wife to ban his kids from the house!

He should put his foot down, but failing that he comes to you since he has the time and means to travel and he stays with you for free! If he's not happy with the frequency then the answer is in his own hands.

Original poster

Algor1thm · 06/12/2022 21:08

underneaththeash · 06/12/2022 10:34

Does your SM ever go away? Maybe you can time a visit to co-incide with that?

No, they only ever go away together. She doesn't seem to have any friends tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Algor1thm · 06/12/2022 21:15

CousinKrispy · 06/12/2022 11:21

You're not at all unreasonable to not make the trip with a small baby, or because you can't afford the expense.

Beyond that ... how do you feel about your dad? Do you feel close and enjoy time in his company? Is his relationship with your children important to you and to the children? It may be worth it for you to resume the trip once a year when the baby is older in order to keep the relationship going, even if it means expense and compromise.

It sounds as though your dad is potentially being controlled, abused, and isolated from his family by an abusive partner and that is of huge concern. I hope you can keep in contact with him, but at the same time you can't fix the problem for him and you shouldn't be subjected to manipulation and abuse by his partner yourself. It sounds like he's not ready to admit what's going on and make changes himself yet.

I know it must be very difficult for you being caught in the middle. I would suggest you seek advice from a domestic abuse organisation about how to deal with this. How do you feel about your children being in contact with his wife if you resume visits and her behaviour continues in this way?

All of this is true. I'm grateful for the support of people on here, but honestly he's the victim of an abusive relationship. She's been violent towards him in the past and been arrested, and I've witnessed her being extremely controlling and verbally abusive to him. Yes I wish he would leave her and yes I wish he would stand up to her, but he doesn't seem inclined to do that despite everything so there's nothing I can do. I have no intention of stopping my annual trips to visit him, hard as they might be logistically. And he knows he's welcome at mine any time.

Prior to her cutting contact with us I didn't yet have kids. This all happened when I was pregnant. And then because we've been out of contact ever since it's not a decision I've had to make yet.

OP posts:

rwalker · 06/12/2022 21:48

Sugarplumfairy65 · 06/12/2022 12:08

No, I didnt miss it. I would say the same if it was her mother.
His wife "allows" him to travel and stay with her a few times per year. If she was controlling his every move, that wouldn't happen.
Both of them are trying to control the OP and her siblings with their actions

Show quote history

Read OP update about the violent abusive behaviour of her dads wife

the guy is a victim big domestic violence and abuse

your comments are offensive

Sugarplumfairy65 · 06/12/2022 22:00

rwalker · 06/12/2022 21:48

Read OP update about the violent abusive behaviour of her dads wife

the guy is a victim big domestic violence and abuse

your comments are offensive

Show quote history

If the op didn't drip feed that information my answer would have been to do everything she could to get her father away from the sm.
But she did, so it wasnt.
Now Fuck off and find someone else to quote. Nearly everyone else said the same as me.

rwalker · 07/12/2022 06:58

Sugarplumfairy65 · 06/12/2022 22:00

Show quote history

There wasn’t a massive drip feed the info was there in loads of post before yours and even when you were called out and had all the info
you still called him a spineless man

ButterCrackers · 07/12/2022 08:32

Ask your dad to pay for your accommodation. Check with him that he’s updated his will to include his grandchildren and not excluded you and your brother. The control of your stepmother could go further than you think.

CousinKrispy · 07/12/2022 09:05

I'm sorry, OP. That's such a difficult situation for your whole family.

I hope you are getting the support you need. I know it's really hard standing by and wishing that a loved one would leave an unhealthy relationship when year after year they don't.

I think you're doing the best you can by continuing to keep in contact and visit your dad within the existing limits, instead of allowing his wife to completely isolate him. Someday that may be something that helps him break free. But take care of yourself as it's hard on you too and you don't have to sacrifice yourself for him.

best wishes

rookiemere · 07/12/2022 09:06

I agree with @ButterCrackers ask him if he will pay for accommodation. If he agrees get him to book and pay for it, otherwise too much scope for SM to maliciously scupper you getting any money for it.

Original poster

Algor1thm · 07/12/2022 10:54

Sugarplumfairy65 · 06/12/2022 22:00

Show quote history

It wasn't a drip feed situation. I wasn't really asking for advice about my dad and his wife and therefore I gave minimal details in my OP, which was long enough as it was without me going into the whole back story of their relationship. Then people asked me questions and I answered them, thus giving more information. But it was hardly planned out to drip feed. These types of situations are generally very complicated and I've only laid about 1% of it out here, but I was asking about travelling to visit my dad, not whether I should cut contact with him or whether him or his wife are more in the wrong.

OP posts:

SMrs · 07/12/2022 11:26

YANBU

I would explain because you have nowhere to stay and the journey is too long for little ones it's expensive and stressful.

He has chosen to allow his wife ti ban you from their home, he has a lot to answer for.

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