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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband makes me look bad to his family

73 replies

Spottingtwerps · 04/12/2022 13:24

My husband and I have had a few problems over recent years, none of which are helped by him constantly going to his family, usually his sister and moaning about me. She gets far too involved and I've been quite surprised by how vitriolic she has been at times, even over minor things. Anyway, it has been spoken about in the past and it stopped for a while but has risen its ugly head again. Note, I have never said a bad word about her or to her. Never. Dignified throughout.

They often communicate by text and I've seen what's been said on both sides. Fairly loaded and when he's feeling sorry for himself or like a martyr. We have an 10mo baby and I do all the nights, the mornings incl weekends, even on hol i didnt get a break. I cook, clean and do all the every day things because of course mat leave is just domestic servitude 🙄. Not.

This weekend I've been unwell. From Friday night I have been vomiting, shakes, chills, fever, palpitations, haven't eaten etc. I couldnt look after LO. Husband looks after her all day but is clearly pissed off about it as he wanted and I quote "a day to chill". Nice! He also wanted to go Christmas shopping.

So last night a message pops up on his phone from his sister, going really over the top about it. Saying I'm so unfair to him, he does so much for the baby (?), why should he look after the baby when he's worked all week and that he should put his foot down and TELL me he's not looking after baby tmrw and is going out and I have to like it or lump it and going on and on, quite irate. Really unnecessary.

Should a father not take care of the baby if the mother is ill, or vice versa? I wasn't out partying, I was ill. Its not deliberate.

Anyway, bottom line. Husband and I have been here before. There are 2 problems 1, he goes to her with problems or moans from our marriage (never the good things!!) And 2 that she seems to hate me (she barely knows me) and is fairly strong in her opinions and just isn't helpful.

AIBU to say this is a make or break situation for the marriage? It just isn't right, how can I trust what goes on between us stays between us? How can I ever have a relationship with his (big) family who all band together around him? Also, why does he want to make me look bad? I am a good mother, it upset me to not be able to look after LO and a good wife. I'm not perfect but I do my best. We nearly lost our marriage before partly to do with this. He doesn't know I've seen the message but I'm very upset about it, knowing the past. So AIBU?

Yes - your husband needs to vent and it's normal to go to his family. Let him be.

No - its not acceptable for a husband to bad mouth his wife behind her back to his family and consider leaving if he can't contain himself.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 04/12/2022 13:27

He and his sister or a bloody disgrace. You know something, if she was married to someone like him she'd be complaining a lot more than you are. I wouldn't be interested in someone who was so callous and selfish and who blamed me for everything. I wouldn't be interested in staying with someone who is confiding in an absolute bitch either.

Snnowflake · 04/12/2022 13:30

Well why read all these horrible comments- you don’t have to.
ignore his family and deal with him one to one.
also speak to a solicitor about how things would work if you separated.
This is miserable behaviour by him but if you separate his family will have time with DC alone - do you want this?

BronwenFrideswide · 04/12/2022 13:31

You are not at all unreasonable, you husband, however, is massively so and an utter bastard to boot.

He should not be whinging and disparaging you to family members but his worst failing is that he is a crap husband and father. You are meant to be a team, he should be capable of looking after his child, looking after you and doing housework, it's pathetic he can't or won't.

In your shoes I'd ditch him, he's not bringing anything to the family dynamic so you might as well be on your own doing it without his dead weight around.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 04/12/2022 13:32

Fine to sound off now and again but it sounds like him and his sister really have it in for you. That's not a supportive DH. Yanbu

RandomPerson42 · 04/12/2022 13:34

Shame you had had a child with the selfish dickhead - he should be putting you and LO first

Thighlengthboots · 04/12/2022 13:38

You've described smearing and triangulation - two distinct and common behaviours of a narcissist. Go watch some HG Tudor videos on youtube for more info - this is classic manipulation

Herejustforthisone · 04/12/2022 14:02

I’d be tempted to send him back to his family, but not without telling them the truth of the matter.

Slimjimtobe · 04/12/2022 14:06

I’d screenshot the message and tell him that you cannot be in a relationship with him and his nosey sister who both hate you

then end it

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/12/2022 14:08

OMFG, leave him.

You’re doing it all alone anyway.

Fuck him off. And his weird sister.

Daydreamreve · 04/12/2022 14:12

Set up a WhatsApp group with the three of you and say

“if you’re big enough to be a cunt behind my back then surely you’re brave enough to do it to my face…”

Tannedandfake · 04/12/2022 14:12

His sister appears to treat you this way, as that’s how your DH paints your picture….
He’s the issue

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 04/12/2022 14:12

Fucking hell so many men out there who think a baby is some kind of woman’s hobby/pet. Did he even want a baby????

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 04/12/2022 14:14

Daydreamreve · 04/12/2022 14:12

Set up a WhatsApp group with the three of you and say

“if you’re big enough to be a cunt behind my back then surely you’re brave enough to do it to my face…”

This did make me laugh! I would love to see their faces

OP posts:
Wanderingoff · 04/12/2022 14:14

So you don’t think you should leave hIm because of what he says and how he behaves but because of how his sister behaves?

that is some deeply internalised misogyny right there.

shws awful. But she’s not married to you.

why is she your problem and not him?

mamabear715 · 04/12/2022 14:15

I'd be telling him to cut it out or he'll lose you & your child. Is that what he wants?

femfemlicious · 04/12/2022 14:16

It's not good for him to do this at all. He and his sister are wrong. I don't think you should leave him over this. Did you guys try marriage counselling yet...i think every marriage needs marriage counselling because no one is perfect.

Daydreamreve · 04/12/2022 14:18

Spottingtwerps · 04/12/2022 14:14

This did make me laugh! I would love to see their faces

Show quote history

I had a few issues with my in laws a few years ago and, being the Glasgow gal that I am, I confronted them head on and the problems ceased 😂

id definitely set up the WhatsApp and set the cat among the pigeons. How dare they bad mouth you without you having a say.

Fireflygal · 04/12/2022 14:18

@Thighlengthboots Add in lack of empathy and narcissist bingo

Winterscomingagain · 04/12/2022 14:41

Daydreamreve · 04/12/2022 14:18

I had a few issues with my in laws a few years ago and, being the Glasgow gal that I am, I confronted them head on and the problems ceased 😂

id definitely set up the WhatsApp and set the cat among the pigeons. How dare they bad mouth you without you having a say.

Show quote history

I totally agree ,meet it head on. Remember above everything else that it's your DH who's feeding this information to the sister.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 04/12/2022 14:41

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/12/2022 13:27

He and his sister or a bloody disgrace. You know something, if she was married to someone like him she'd be complaining a lot more than you are. I wouldn't be interested in someone who was so callous and selfish and who blamed me for everything. I wouldn't be interested in staying with someone who is confiding in an absolute bitch either.

Absolutely!!
I know there are 2 sides but how can anyone be annoyed at looking after their own child while the mother is ill and complain and the fact his sister hasn’t said he’s a complete selfish bastard speaks volumes. They are a pair of self obsessed arseholes . I’m baffled why you married him and even more baffled you had a child with him as I don’t believe this behaviour happened overnight why op ?.
of course it’s not on that he runs and tells her a load of shit and more not on how she had mouths you .

heartbroken22 · 04/12/2022 14:48

He's an arsehole. Play the game and ask him if his sister can come help. Then make her do all the work.

SingingSands · 04/12/2022 15:07

He likes having his ego massaged. Tell him he can move in with sister and enjoy it all day long.

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 04/12/2022 15:09

Wanderingoff · 04/12/2022 14:14

So you don’t think you should leave hIm because of what he says and how he behaves but because of how his sister behaves?

that is some deeply internalised misogyny right there.

shws awful. But she’s not married to you.

why is she your problem and not him?

In my post I say there are two problems, the first is him going to her and the second is the way she responds. I didn't say I shouldn't leave him because of it, isn't that the point of my post? I think the tone of my post shows I quite obviously don't think the way he's behaving is ok. No deeply internalised misogyny. Reading a bit much into it there Wanderingoff.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/12/2022 15:21

Yea its shit he is moaning about you to his sister. But whats more shit is his behaviour with you. It's not ok for him to resent looking after his own child when the childs mother is ill. Whether he moans about you to his sister or not, he is still an awful excuse for a dad and a partner. I'm not trying to be flippant but I think the texting is the least of your worries. It is reflective of him not respecting or valuing you (and possibly not even liking you very much)...he might agree not to text her if you give him an ultimatum but that wont turn him into a good person / dad / partner and wont stop him thinking those things or saying them

Thelnebriati · 04/12/2022 15:24

It sounds like he plays the martyr and uses his sister for validation. Its the sort of passive aggressive tactic used by people who don't want to negotiate and just want to get their own way.
You've tried dealing with this before, and he's still doing it, so being assertive hasn't helped you. To me it would feel like he's checked out of the marriage.

Would he go for relationship counselling if he realised the marriage was in trouble?