My husband and I have had a few problems over recent years, none of which are helped by him constantly going to his family, usually his sister and moaning about me. She gets far too involved and I've been quite surprised by how vitriolic she has been at times, even over minor things. Anyway, it has been spoken about in the past and it stopped for a while but has risen its ugly head again. Note, I have never said a bad word about her or to her. Never. Dignified throughout.
They often communicate by text and I've seen what's been said on both sides. Fairly loaded and when he's feeling sorry for himself or like a martyr. We have an 10mo baby and I do all the nights, the mornings incl weekends, even on hol i didnt get a break. I cook, clean and do all the every day things because of course mat leave is just domestic servitude 🙄. Not.
This weekend I've been unwell. From Friday night I have been vomiting, shakes, chills, fever, palpitations, haven't eaten etc. I couldnt look after LO. Husband looks after her all day but is clearly pissed off about it as he wanted and I quote "a day to chill". Nice! He also wanted to go Christmas shopping.
So last night a message pops up on his phone from his sister, going really over the top about it. Saying I'm so unfair to him, he does so much for the baby (?), why should he look after the baby when he's worked all week and that he should put his foot down and TELL me he's not looking after baby tmrw and is going out and I have to like it or lump it and going on and on, quite irate. Really unnecessary.
Should a father not take care of the baby if the mother is ill, or vice versa? I wasn't out partying, I was ill. Its not deliberate.
Anyway, bottom line. Husband and I have been here before. There are 2 problems 1, he goes to her with problems or moans from our marriage (never the good things!!) And 2 that she seems to hate me (she barely knows me) and is fairly strong in her opinions and just isn't helpful.
AIBU to say this is a make or break situation for the marriage? It just isn't right, how can I trust what goes on between us stays between us? How can I ever have a relationship with his (big) family who all band together around him? Also, why does he want to make me look bad? I am a good mother, it upset me to not be able to look after LO and a good wife. I'm not perfect but I do my best. We nearly lost our marriage before partly to do with this. He doesn't know I've seen the message but I'm very upset about it, knowing the past. So AIBU?
Yes - your husband needs to vent and it's normal to go to his family. Let him be.
No - its not acceptable for a husband to bad mouth his wife behind her back to his family and consider leaving if he can't contain himself.