Husband makes me look bad to his family

[Spottingtwerps]

My husband and I have had a few problems over recent years, none of which are helped by him constantly going to his family, usually his sister and moaning about me. She gets far too involved and I've been quite surprised by how vitriolic she has been at times, even over minor things. Anyway, it has been spoken about in the past and it stopped for a while but has risen its ugly head again. Note, I have never said a bad word about her or to her. Never. Dignified throughout.

They often communicate by text and I've seen what's been said on both sides. Fairly loaded and when he's feeling sorry for himself or like a martyr. We have an 10mo baby and I do all the nights, the mornings incl weekends, even on hol i didnt get a break. I cook, clean and do all the every day things because of course mat leave is just domestic servitude 🙄. Not.

This weekend I've been unwell. From Friday night I have been vomiting, shakes, chills, fever, palpitations, haven't eaten etc. I couldnt look after LO. Husband looks after her all day but is clearly pissed off about it as he wanted and I quote "a day to chill". Nice! He also wanted to go Christmas shopping.

So last night a message pops up on his phone from his sister, going really over the top about it. Saying I'm so unfair to him, he does so much for the baby (?), why should he look after the baby when he's worked all week and that he should put his foot down and TELL me he's not looking after baby tmrw and is going out and I have to like it or lump it and going on and on, quite irate. Really unnecessary.

Should a father not take care of the baby if the mother is ill, or vice versa? I wasn't out partying, I was ill. Its not deliberate.

Anyway, bottom line. Husband and I have been here before. There are 2 problems 1, he goes to her with problems or moans from our marriage (never the good things!!) And 2 that she seems to hate me (she barely knows me) and is fairly strong in her opinions and just isn't helpful.

AIBU to say this is a make or break situation for the marriage? It just isn't right, how can I trust what goes on between us stays between us? How can I ever have a relationship with his (big) family who all band together around him? Also, why does he want to make me look bad? I am a good mother, it upset me to not be able to look after LO and a good wife. I'm not perfect but I do my best. We nearly lost our marriage before partly to do with this. He doesn't know I've seen the message but I'm very upset about it, knowing the past. So AIBU?

Yes - your husband needs to vent and it's normal to go to his family. Let him be.

No - its not acceptable for a husband to bad mouth his wife behind her back to his family and consider leaving if he can't contain himself.

I think you've got to remember the sisters opinion she has on you, is based on what your husband has said.
She doesn't know you all that well so she's taking what he says at face value and siding with him.

Your issue isn't that a sister believes her brother and thinks she has to support him because you're awful, the issue is that your husband is willingly and actively painting you out to be shit all round and is encouraging negative opinions on you by feeding into it at every given chance.

It's fine to vent to friends/family if youre unhappy or annoyed and need to let it out, but he's only telling the twisted negatives and doesn't sound like he ever mentions any positives about you or how much you do for your family.

He's the issue.

He needs to stop running to his sister and telling tales about you.

To be honest, I can't help wondering whether he is doing it on purpose in order to gain the upper hand over you, because if he didn't tell you about any of these conversations or show you the text messages between them, then you wouldn't know about it at all.

What does he have to gain by continuing to do it? You don't have a SIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Your suppose to be a team in a marriage this isn't the case her. He should have your back which in this case he doesn't.

@mamabear715 or rather if he doesn't start behaving he'll be looking after his child on his own 50% of the time when OP divorces him. That's more of a threat to a man like this.

Firstly, I don't understand why you had a baby with a man like this when he had clearly showed you who he is before.

But you are where you are. You've two options. Divorce or a life of misery. If you divorce now you could be free of the massive cunt in about 12 months time. Just saying.

I’d be past the point of make it break and just break. He’s a selfish prick and the moaning is so childish and surely a huge turn off!

You deserve better

Women one here to moan, to their mum, best friend, mum and that is absolutely ok, but a man moaning to his sister is a crime.

Of let's not mention the fact that you are clearly spying on him. Does he know?

What is he actually contributing to your life? He does fuck all for you or your child. And treats you like shit. In what way would your life be worse without him? You can always manage financially without someone. Money should never be a reason to stay with someone like that.

I was amazed when I left DH how much easier everything became.

Do you also think that the DH shouldn't have to look after his DC while OP is incapacitated through illness?

Not the same at all as moaning on here, for a start this is anonymous. This isn't just moaning, this is bitching behind my back to make me look bad and him look good. It's embellishing the truth and not telling the full story. It's only a snippet of our lives he tells, not the full picture. She won't know i do all nights, get up every morning with the baby etc. All the nice , kind things i do, well they're not worth mentioning. These are people.that are supposed to be family, to.support and care. Not rip to shreds because you dare to be ill. As for him, i have no idea why he thinks it's OK to be so disloyal and unsympathetic.

karma has come though as he has just spent quite a long time in the bathroom being ill from both ends!

When I was newly married I used to moan to my mum all the time.

She told me to pack it in, if it was abuse she'd have my back, but this was just moans about getting used to marriage and she didn't want to hear it. She was very firm that I needed to sort this out with my DH and she wasn't a part of it.

At the time I thought she was incredibly unsupportive but she couldn't have been more right. DH and I had to talk and resolve our issues instead of me just moaning to a fan club.

Your DH needs to understand that his marriage is for 2 people not 3. If he has issues he brings it up with you.

Your husband has contempt for you. Your marriage is already over, you just haven't figured it out yet.

This genuinely is a dh problem. She's a dick but in a normal relationship her attitude would have been stopped in its tracks. He also would have stopped telling stirring by telling her things

I would genuinely leave him over this. See how he enjoys actually looking after his own kid. More than likely he'll make her do it and she'll then change her tune.

YANBU there is no room for a 3rd person in a marriage. If this is how he feels he should be saying it to you, and you to him. He sounds like an entitled dick to be honest and I think I would LTB.

He should not be whinging and disparaging you to family members but his worst failing is that he is a crap husband and father.

This. He's making himself out to be a poor, put-upon father because he KNOWS you do everything and he can't mention that because he'd look bad. He knows he's shit but the only important thing is whether OTHER people think he is, not you.

I don't think it's salvageable because he's a shit partner and father, not because of the sister. At least EOW he'd actually look after his kid. Maybe.

I would tackle this head on - phone her and tell her straight what you have told us. She’s getting annoyed at the picture he’s painted of you, not the real you, Don’t bother texting - you’ll only end up in a war of words, but a phoncall starting with, ‘Hiya DickheadsSister, I was really surprised by what you wrote in your message, because that’s not what’s been happening at all…’ and then tell her what you told us and finish with, ‘I mean to say, what kind of halfwit has to go running to his sister crying every time he doesn’t get his own way. He’s 34, not 4, and I’m sorry he keeps spouting this absolute nonsense at you’.

Internalised misogyny? Give it a rest! Did you read the post? Good Lord, get a grip…. Just because you know a phrase and want to use it doesn’t mean it fits! OP says there were two problems, why did you choose to ignore one and focus on the other? Interesting.

Of course he should look after his own fucking child if you're I'll. I'd argue he should be doing a hell of a lot more for baby as it is his own child. You're not a slave or servant.

Was it just your in laws or your husband/wife and in laws?

Couldn't have said it better. I really feel for you OP 💐

Leave the cunt. He’s a spineless weasel and obviously lying to his family.

And never allow bitch SIL into your home.

@Spottingtwerps

my MIL, BIL and his wife.

was having a hard time personally and they were dicks. I turned up unexpectedly at my MIL’s house and gave her both barrels. Sometimes the surprise element is key 😂😂😂 hence set up a WhatsApp.

your husband is a loser so you’ve nothing to lose by standing up for yourself

He’s a shit husband and a non starter as a father if he cannot care for HIS child while their mother is ill
his sister is a head case. Is she married and does she have a family?

there is no trust, teamwork or respect from him for you. The marriage is dead in the water and I’d be planning my exit from this enduring toxic melodrama

I think you should walk up and down outside the toilet door, talking loudly into your phone - 'I can't believe I have to look after the baby just because he's ill! I had plans to relax - selfish fucker!'

To a certain extent, my brother does exactly this. He doesn’t bitch about his wife to friends or colleagues etc but goes on epic rants about her to my mother and I. It’s very difficult to judge how much is true and how much is exaggerated. Because I’ve seen examples of her behaviour, I tend to believe my brother, and I probably have sent him texts telling him something similar to what your SIL sends. To her face though I’m perfectly civil and nice.

Soooo…the issue is what exactly is your husband saying to her? Is he right out lying? If my brother told me his wife had decided to spend the weekend in bed because she couldn’t be arsed to look after their child - yes, I would be angry for him. If he told me she was ill in bed and he didn’t get to watch the England match in peace - zero sympathy for him.

It’s a husband problem you have.