Sperm Donor = good ONS , short relationship = bad on MN

[Peedoffo]

I'm just wondering about MN logic They regularly seem to say get a sperm donor like it's a good choice if you haven't been able to meet someone in a timely fashion. I'm not meaning to be goady I'm just wondering the logic , an ONS/ short term relationship is deemed to be a disaster and she should terminate. The woman has at least chance to claim CMS and her child will have a documented father. Not all men are bastards. Why is a ONS/ Short term relationship pregnancy deemed to be bad compared to a sperm donor?

Because it’s a rubbish unstable situation to bring a child into. And a decision driven by a woman who thinks time is running out. Desperation. Don’t do it. Your potential offspring deserve better.

Isn't bringing a baby into the world knowingly as a single parent a selfish decision? Isn't having a child in itself a selfish decision ?

Because a sperm donation is vetted and the man has given his consent for his sprem to be use specifically for the aim of making a child which they will ahve no involvement in. In a one night stand or short relationship it's highly unlikely that the man has agreed to creating a child and so using them to get pregnant is a bad idea, you are tied to that man in some way forever. Your child will know that they were not planned and you have done no screening with regards to health conditions.

Because you don’t know what type of man you are letting into your life? And they can make your life hell, tbh the people I know who have kept babies from short relationships/ ons the man has always turned out to be a nasty piece of work, and getting maintenance isn’t easy in some cases, then your tied to them for the next 18 years whereas with a sperm donor you are not tied to someone that could potentially go out of their way to ruin your life, I don’t think many ons are happy when they find out the woman is keeping the baby so will do what they can to hurt you and avoid maintenance! You make it sound like getting it is easy, it isn’t.

This! You can't be serious, OP.

If you get pregnant after an ONS and want to keep it then fair enough, but your shouldn't adopt that as a strategy because you want CMS and a 'documented father'. How shit for the child.

How is this even a question an adult asks.

Of course it’s different, sperm donation is regulated, there are laws and protections in place as well, both parties go into the arrangement with a full understanding of the facts.

Having a baby with a short term fling can result in a messy custody situation for an children involved.

If you have a ons or short relationship you have no idea who that person is. Will they make a good coparent? Will they work with you or against you? Will they want 50:50 to avoid CMS, despite palming them off on latest new partner they have moved in? Will they accuse you of neglect or refuse to return the child? Will they use the child as a weapon against you? Will they make the child miserable or happy? Will they be safe or not?

If you are going via sorry donor, you know the plan. It’s all on you. There’s no chance of the donor turning up wanting to see the baby on and off through its childhood, disrupting the child’s emotional well being. Plus there’s screening.

I would say a short relationship or ONS might be preferable IF both parents were guaranteed to coparent well and respectfully of each other and always put the child first.

But it rarely happens like that because the parents usually end up resenting and disliking each other.

I have also been a single parent. My exh had a mental breakdown. He wasn’t safe to live with. He got help and started seeing the kids. Coparenting with him was extremely hard. He tried turning the eldest against me by telling her I left for someone else (I didn’t). The youngest would ‘lose’ things like school coats or trousers or trainers all the time and exh wouldn’t replace them, so it cost me a fortune. He would keep them off school or drop them late everyday, which meant both of us ended up being spoken to by the school. He was self employed so no CMS. When the kids decided to not bother with him as they got older, it was actually easier to have them here all the time.

Being a lone parent, is far easier than coparenting with a difficult ex who can not put the kids first.

What's best for the child?

Has there been a study done on the effects of donation on the child? Not knowing who your father is?

They know who their father is if they so wish to find out.

As the single mother of a donor-conceived child, the distinction I'd draw between the two situations is that the legal situation when conceiving via a clinic using a sperm donor is very clear - you're the child's only legal parent - whereas conceiving via a one night stand or short-term relationship sets up a situation where you could find yourself in a very, very complex situation with regard to finances, residence etc, with someone you basically don't know at all - and who may turn out to be someone you'd much rather not have tied your life so closely to. I don't go around telling people to terminate their pregnancy, though!

Yes. It is. And I think too often sperm donation is suggested to a woman with no thought to the future impact on the child

Because being a child whose Dad makes no secret of the fact he didn't want you is shit. No more reasons required.

I'm genuinely astounded by the number of Women on this forum who don't seem to grasp that the child they desperately want is a whole human in their own right, with a whole life, which will be affected by their parents decisions.

(For context I'm 39 and don't have children, because I waited for the right time and place person to give them the best chance of a good start. I'm there now, but all signs are pointing to it being too late).

Considering you seem to not understand sperm donation very well your views on it aren’t overly relevant

Having unprotected sex with a ONS is likely to give you a lot more than a baby...

For goodness sake

I was the produce of a fling, fine with it tbh.

I also waited to ttc until I met someone suitable, started at 37 - too old after 12 naturally conceived miscarriages and 4 shitty IVF rounds - childless future awaits. If I had my time again, I’d have gone for the ONS option!

Do you honestly not see the potential risk that a random ons coud pose as legal father?

Sperms donor safeguards against that risk.

Having a child is selfish whether you're in a couple or single.

Are there a lot of people randomly suggest sperm donation to women, for no reason? No discussion about them wanting a child?

It’s just recommended out of the blue?

Yes I seen it on here a woman was just about to turn 30 and was saying she was sad that she hadn’t met anyone yet and poster’s absolutely did suggest she gets a sperm donor! She hasn’t even mentioned wanting to do that or wanting a baby alone.

I'm asking because I have no knowledge of such things. So I'm probably naive I'm married we had a child young. I've seen women being told to terminate after a ONS or short relationship but being told to look for a sperm donor. I wondered the logic as I always thought having a documented father is better than none. I see I'm wrong. I guess with a sperm donor the mother retains all of the control and decision making.

Why is it specifically selfish? I'm a single parent by choice of a donor conceived child. I am comfortably off, own our home, live close to family and am part of a supportive community. My child is surrounded by people who love him and legal apparatus is in place if something would happen to me.

On the other hands I have a married friend who has kids with a partner who has previously committed DV, and I have friends with serious conditions with a genetic link (bipolar etc) who have had kids, friends who struggle to support their kids financially, and friends who are stuck in unhappy marriages with young kids. I don't judge any of them. Families are different, and whether or not a family situation supports the child growing up is dependent on so many factors.

However, getting pregnant deliberately via a ONS has a lot of financial and legal consequences as noted above.

yes exactly this - I have full and sole legal responsibility for my child and any decisions that need to be made. Can move abroad or register for different school system if I ever wanted to, etc etc. My donor is anonymous (not UK) but my kid can find a "donor family" of half siblings if at some point they want to.

Because a father who is cold/inconsistent/unenthusiastic/abusive/in and out of a kid's live will be way more traumatic for a child than simply knowing you were born through sperm donation but had s stable loving drama free childhood with a single capable parent.

Not to be goady but why didn't you decide to use a known donor ? A Gay man for example and co parent. Was the control aspect very important to you ?

Coparenting is hard for almost everyone, even if they have had a long relationship and amicable separation. To do it with a complete stranger, and essentially be in the position of sending your child off for contact with someone you know nothing about shouldn't be part of anyone's plan.